


Somebody Out There

by aishjinjaa



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: College AU, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Moving On, One-Sided Love, Past JohnJae, Side Dojae, Side Taeten, Side WinIl, Side yuwin, Slow Build, implied nomin, jeno cameo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2019-07-17 08:16:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 78,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16091672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aishjinjaa/pseuds/aishjinjaa
Summary: Johnny has to move on from Taeil, but he helps Taeil move on instead.





	1. PROLOGUE

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first johnil and as usual, it might not be that good but i really planned things this time and i really want this to be organized but knowing my brain, there might be typos here and there and some loopholes but i'll try my best. please forgive me if this is ugly, i just want to contribute to the tag :(

He hates rainy days. Johnny quietly stared at his hands as the rain hit the glass window ferociously, the temperature in the cafe dropping further as the rain grew stronger. He looks around and tries to distract himself from his thoughts as the footsteps hit the pavement, bodies taking refuge under the roof as the wind grew stronger. He startles when a thunder hits so hard, he could feel it resonating underneath his shoes and the cafe slowly becomes more and more crowded as people chose to wait for the rain to stop rather than wait by the wet sidewalk. His left-hand starts to tremble but he steadies it with his other hand--he wasn’t going anywhere. The chimes resonate for another time and when he looks up, he finally exhales, here he is.

Taeil rushes to the seat in front of him, a plethora of expressions painted in his pale face as he slides down to the seat across him. A tightness overcomes Johnny’s throat and his hand starts trembling again, but this time, for a completely different reason. He does everything to stop himself from reaching out to smooth out the frown lines that have taken over the others’ face.

“I wasn’t expecting you to still be here.” he breathes, smoothing out his wet hair as he sets his rain-soaked coat aside and Johnny can’t help but be enamored by him even though he tries to tell himself Taeil doesn’t really have that effect on him, but he can only keep it up as long as the other wasn’t around. “Johnny,” he says cautiously, his eyes seeking. “Why are you still here?” Johnny looks out and forces his reaction down when another thunder resonated all around him.

“I want to help you,” he says simply, smiling kindly.

“You don’t have to.”

“Yeah,” he nods, reaching inside his bag to give Taeil his handkerchief to wipe himself off. “But I want to.”

Taeil frowns, expressing his disapproval of Johnny’s decisions--as he always does. But he’s always been Johnny’s first priority but that’s not something he is willing to confess right now.

“Johnny it’s raining.” he tilts his head, maybe from guilt, maybe not. But he doesn’t really want to make this about him right now, he rushed here for Taeil for a reason. He shrugs, and slowly slides his mug across the table to him. “The rain doesn’t scare me,” he mumbles, and motions for Taeil to drink from the cup. Another thunder makes him jump and gasp a little. But the thunder does. “But I’m here for you, what’s wrong?” he throws back, making Taeil look out the glass windows as he nurses the tea Johnny has given him.

“Now that I think of it, I can’t believe I made you go outside in the rain just for this.” he chuckles guiltily, looking to Johnny for assurance.

“What is it?”

“They’re together now.”

 _Oh no._ He smiles, pained for the boy in front of him--more than the time he started realizing he’s never probably going to love him back. “Sicheng and Yuta?” It’s not like it needed to be confirmed, but Johnny was sincerely wishing ‘ _they’_ meant someone else--he was sincerely hoping Taeil isn't hurting right now. Taeil nods, dejected, and his heart drops. He hates that look in the others’ eyes: hopelessness. Hopelessness about the fact that no matter how you try, no matter how you wish, no matter how you express how much you love someone, and you can’t just make them love you. Hopelessness about how you’re desperately just wishing that they love you instead, and it just doesn’t happen. He hates that look because he sees it in his face, and he knows the feeling behind it.

“I thought I was over him,” he whispers. “I really thought I was.” he took another nervous sip and peers guiltily at Johnny. “I’m so tired, Youngho. The memories… they murder.”

He frowns, not exactly knowing what to say without sounding like he’s too in love. “Do you want a hug?” he offers.

Taeil suddenly freezes and slowly looks up. “Johnny,” Johnny tenses up, fearing he might have made him uncomfortable with the offer. “Will you do something to help me?”

“Anything,” he answers without thinking. “What is it?”

“I want the memories to go away.”

“Uh huh.”

“Help me replace them.”

This won’t be good for him--this won’t be good for his heart. But he nods anyway.


	2. Chapter 1

Johnny sidesteps around Taeil who’s been brushing his teeth by the sink, reaching over him to retrieve the frying pan. The smaller boy looks up at him innocently, and he almost drops the pan as his fingers weaken. The other looks away and spits the toothpaste from his mouth, turning back to him. “What are you doing?”

“Cooking breakfast.”

“But you have class,” he comments.

“Yeah, I missed it. My first class is at 8 and it’s almost 10,” he answers sheepishly, heating the pan. “You shouldn’t have brushed your teeth yet, I wanted to make breakfast.”

“I already had some cereal, thanks.”

“I’ll pack you lunch then?” he offers, making Taeil look at him pointedly.

“You shouldn’t treat me so well, you’ll get tired of it eventually,” he comments offhandedly. Johnny wanted to answer with _I don’t,_ but he didn’t want to make the atmosphere drop.

“Well, I was making myself some anyway, so,” he shrugs instead, shooting a teasing smile at the other. “Just let me cook!” Taeil chuckles, giving up.

Taeil has been living with him for almost three weeks now. A little after Sicheng and Yuta officially became a couple, Sicheng finally decides to move in with his boyfriend, apologizing profusely to Taeil for leaving him at their shared apartment alone, and that it won’t be abrupt anyway since he and Yuta still had to look for an apartment big enough for them. In a moment of panic, Taeil suddenly blurts and offers to move out himself, since he was _“planning to move out anyway”._ Sicheng was ecstatic, and Taeil was nearly homeless.

For days, he and Johnny scoured the entire university neighborhood for an apartment good enough, and near enough. Until, in a bout of frustration from his own part, he offers to take Taeil in. He _knows_ this isn’t good for him. He can barely hold himself together while they’re hanging out, what made him think it would be okay if they _lived_ together? Why did he keep on making decisions he knew would hurt him? But it seemed like the best option at that time, and Taeil promised it was only temporary. Just until the semester ends and some dorm rooms are vacated.

Johnny wanted to clear out his spare room for Taeil which he had been using as a music room slash mini library until then. But Taeil insisted he just push aside the instruments and cramp him in the middle of it all. After an entire day of rearranging, they finally manage to push a bed and mattress against the wall, a small table, and a small dresser for Taeil, squished against the keyboard, and with Johnny’s guitars and a lot of his books transferred to his room. It _seemed_ like a pity, and Johnny was just exhausted, but during the final touches, Taeil started dusting one portion of the shelf he cleared off of books and put the little cactus Johnny had gotten him a month before, made him smile a little. He added some more trinkets, like a small phone holder and an alarm clock, before he finally reached for a frame and put a [picture](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/0f/65/65/0f6565be2129d484d2799b30d4216897.jpg) of him and Johnny beside the cactus, and Johnny could not stop himself from melting.

He’s getting used to their routine, and he isn’t sure if he should be thankful or stressed that they’ve got mostly similar schedules. Johnny _usually_ goes to school earlier every day since Taeil’s earliest class is a 10:30 History of Eastern Music class while Johnny has to rush to school at 8 am every day to attend an Art History class. But they do have the same lunch period and they spend it usually with Taeyong, and Ten. Taeil then has classes until 4 and Johnny’s end an hour later but since the other has musical practice everyday Johnny goes straight to the auditorium rather than go home. He sometimes picks up dinner on the way if Taeil feels like he’d have to stay longer. But Johnny waits for him anyway.

Taeil re-emerges from his room with his backpack slung over his shoulder, an oversized jacket added to his ensemble. “Hyung,” Johnny coos. “You’re so cute.”

He, along with their small friend-group, always coo on him as he’s the shortest _and_ softest (there’s nothing soft about Ten, to be honest). “Shut up,” he giggles. “I’m gonna be late.”

“Wait!” Johnny complains, successfully sealing the sandwiches in two Ziploc bags before handing one over to Taeil. “Thanks.” Johnny runs off to his own room and retrieves his shoes. “Hyung!” he calls out. “Walk, or drive?” Taeil appears by his doorway, leans against the frame and glances at his watch. “We can walk,” Johnny smiles, finally dumping the sandwiches in his bag, albeit haphazardly.

\---

Since the apartment is only a few blocks away from the University, they didn’t have to walk very far before it came into view and they started merging paths with other students walking to school themselves. The sun was high up and he started noticing that the smaller man beside him was slowly getting more and more uncomfortable with the heat. Johnny reaches into his bag and tries to feel for his umbrella. He could sense Taeil’s surprise when he suddenly is under a shade, and he instinctively looks up.

“Better?” Johnny consults.

“Much,” he smiles gratefully and holds onto Johnny’s elbow, standing close.

They walk in silence for a few paces, comfortable that they both still had around 30 minutes before their classes start. “What do you want to do this weekend?” Taeil prompts, looking up at him. Even though Johnny had to significantly lean down, Taeil still had to lean up adorably and he can’t help but smile.

“You don’t have practice?”

“Mr. Park said the school isn’t allowing him to drag us to school on weekends anymore since we practice during the night already.

“University board: 1, Mr. Park: 0,” he jokes, making Taeil’s nose crinkle adorably as he giggles.

“What do you want it to be?” he follows up on the original question, previously agreeing that they could go on small vacations and small outings based on themes alone. Johnny, being the dumbass that he is, volunteers to plan everything himself. “You can just give me a theme, or a vague idea and I can plan it for you.” Is he cursed to say things he would eventually regret?

“I wanna be specific this time,” Taeil grins as they’re nearing the entrance to the Art and Humanities Building.

“Oh, thank God,” Johnny jokes. “I was running out of ideas.”

Taeil giggles again. “I wanna go stargazing.”

Johnny pauses to think. _In Seoul?_ Good thing he was specific, then, because that would be difficult to pull off. He _did_ have a car but he can’t just go driving to a place they aren’t familiar with--and what if there are no stars? He needs to start planning this shit now.

“I’ll….” he holds his smile, joking around with Taeil. “Try my best.”

“My hero,” the other gasps dramatically.

They both enter the building and Johnny closes his umbrella. “East wing?” Taeil nods. “West wing?” he asks back, and Johnny answers with his own nod.

“See you at lunch, then.”

Taeil smiles, waves, and turns to walk away and Johnny watches him do so, waiting for his figure to turn smaller and smaller, not tearing his eyes off him. He frowns, wondering, Taeil is slowly working his way towards moving on, but when will he get the chance to do so himself? Will he ever want to do so?

\---

There’s a small student lounge by the fourth floor that has tables and chairs pushed up against the glass windows and Johnny always asks their friend group to meet there for lunch since it’s never crowded during lunchtime. Since he finished class earlier than the rest, he walks up there a few minutes before twelve and texts everyone he’d be waiting so they can eat lunch together. He was still walking up the stairs when the rain starts pouring hard again.

“ _Why,”_ he breathes to himself. “No loud thunders, please,” he singsongs, trying to make sure the rain doesn’t spoil his mood.

When he reaches the landing, the whole lounge was, indeed, deserted, and the rain is decorating the entire wall with droplets. It was pretty, very pretty… it was just a pity that he didn’t get to enjoy it much. He pulls one of the few padded chairs and puts his bag on it, reserving it for Taeil who always has to fight Doyoung for the comfier ones. He sits on the plain, wooden one beside it, facing the window. He looks around and grows uncomfortable with the silence, and hearing the muffled thunder.

He straightens up, remembering that the lounge actually had access to Bluetooth speakers and the first person there can choose whatever song he wanted to, as long as it wasn’t wild and too loud. He connects and plays the last song played on his phone. He discovers the song when Taeil played it for him once, when he was scared of the booming thunder, coming into his room without a word and sitting down on the floor with him. And it weirdly calmed him down, maybe mostly because Taeil was there with him, but he liked it all the same.

The whole lounge eventually is filled with soft piano and guitar, and gets more intense, but stays nostalgic and calm anyway. Taeil described the song as “a thunderstorm” and he thought that it would get rid of Johnny’s fear as the storm is transposed into music--and he completely agrees.

Johnny looks up from his daydreaming when a gentle hand lands softly against his back. “Hi.” Taeil smiles. “You’re playing it.”

“Helps me relax now,” he explains, removing his bag from the padded seat and offering it to Taeil. “Sit here.”

“Glad it worked.”

“I’m going to need this song for months on end from now on,” he smiles bitterly, knowing the autumn thunderstorms. “And it’s going to be your fault.”

“At least it’s a good song.”

“It is,” he nods, and turns to Taeil. “I don’t know what it says, though, it’s in Japanese.”

Taeil exhales. “It’s about tying knots.”

“Tying knots?”

He nods, continuing. “It literally tells you how to tie knots,” he chuckles. “But it also tells you to try and try and try. Even though you mess up the knots at first, you can always smooth them out and tie them again. It’s about not giving up.” Taeil turns to him, just as the song reaches the part where the song turns quiet for a while. And then the drums come back, along with the voices, more intense than ever, synching with the beating of Johnny’s heart.

There’s no way out now, is there?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can click the link within the story so you can view the photo Taeil put near the cactus!!!
> 
> Also, here's the song that they were listening to: https://open.spotify.com/track/6Flllj0iIJPwXUpxL9KdxC
> 
> I hope I'm off to a good start. I will try to check this again when I get home to make sure there aren't any errors.  
> You can leave comments or suggestions, I would totally appreciate them!  
> You can also DM me on Twitter @choisoftcheol or @crystaljaem so we can talk about the story, or JohnIl or NCT in general!  
> Thank you for taking the time to read this!


	3. Chapter 2

* * *

 

Johnny quietly scrolls through his laptop screen, both legs perched gingerly up his seat, his eyeglasses resting at the bridge of his nose. It keeps on sliding down, and he has to stop taking notes every now and then to push it back up the bridge. He has been trying to research all day, looking for the perfect place to stargaze with Taeil for the weekend. He’s been telling Taeil that it’s _“doing great!”_ but he actually is still unsure about his plans so far. He’s thinking to just find a spot in Seoul but the city is just much too bright to actually enjoy stargazing, plus, the place he’s found has some added perks he’s sure Taeil will love, but it’s kind of far away.

A soft knock interrupts his train of thought and he shuts his laptop right away before answering, “Come in!” he turns to see Taeil peek in a little.

“Are you studying?”

Johnny thought about lying and saying yeah, but he can’t back that up if he had more questions. He also considered telling the truth, but by then, he’d already hesitated for too long that the other figured it out anyway. “Can I see? I want to suggest, too.” he eagerly steps into the room and sits on Johnny’s bed.

Johnny relents and opens his laptop, showing him pictures of a dark farm.

“What is that, exactly?” Taeil tilts his head at him, hilariously confused.

“It’s a firefly farm in Yeongyang.”

“Yeongyang? That’s like, 4 hours away,” he leans forward and rests his elbows on his thighs, and resting his forehead on Johnny’s arm. Johnny smiles at the contact, patting the top of the older’s head with his other hand.

“Seoul has too much light pollution.” The older nods, contemplating.

“There’s this place...” he starts, “I don’t know if it’s still the same, but the last time I went there, there were _so_ many stars, but we couldn’t stay and ever since then, I’ve wanted to come back but never got the chance to.

“Awwwe,” Johnny frowns. “Then we should check it out then. We can make this plan A and we can go on Friday night so we still have time to go to Yeongyang in case there aren’t any stars. Yeongyang will be our plan B.” he suggests.

Taeil lifts his head and rests his chin on Johnny’s arm, looking up at him gratuitously. “You’re the best.”

Johnny scoffs, boasting. “Of course, it’s me.” he tries to say over confidently but he really it actually felt like a herd was trying to break out of his chest, but he tries to ignore the feeling and takes note of their plans in his planner anyway.

“Where is it?” he asks.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you,” the other ducks his head suspiciously. “It’s this cemetery in Dongjak.” Johnny raises his brows in uncertainty, a lot of people don’t know but he’s sure Taeil knows he isn’t that fond of cemeteries. Well, who is? Sicheng, that’s who. He tries not to get so bitter and not think about that fact. It might just be a coincidence.

“That’s fine,” he assures. “Remind me to take the pickup truck out on Friday, okay?” he scratches Taeil’s chin, and he all but giggles when the other fake purred.

“Also,” he starts pouting. “Can you read to me tonight?”

He’s never turned him down when it came to reading, especially since he’s also been wanting to know what happens next but has just been waiting for Taeil to want to continue himself. Taeil is dyslexic and has been for most of his life but through therapy and practice, he’s managed to learn without any problems as long as they were visual or printed far apart. He’s never made his peace with books, though. One night, Johnny starts to read Aristotle and Dante Discovers the Secrets of the Universe out loud and the other perks up, asking him to continue even when he stopped. “It sounds like it’s going to be nice. Where did you get this book from?”

“From Taeyong, he says it’s nice.” But he didn’t admit that Taeyong lent it to Taeil and not him, but he didn’t want to tell the others when Taeil hasn’t even admitted his condition to them. “Can you keep on reading it? I want to listen.” And from then on, on some nights, when they aren’t jamming together, or watching a movie, or cramming for exams, both of them sat by the balcony, sometimes the living room, and Johnny would read, and Taeil would listen.

“Of course,” he nods. Shutting his laptop down and standing up to retrieve the book from his bedside drawer. When he turned to ask the older where he wanted to read, the other was already opening the door to the balcony. “It’s kind of cool tonight,” he comments. Johnny follows him out and sits on one of the chairs his mom bought for him the year before. He didn’t use balcony furniture that much but ever since Taeil came along, they’ve been hanging out there almost every day that it wasn’t raining.

“Where did we leave off again?” Taeil asks as soon as he has successfully sat back comfortably, hugging a throw pillow he brought in from Johnny’s room.

“The Different Rules of Summer,” he opens it to the bookmarked page. “Chapter 10.”

Taeil relaxes just as Johnny gets ready to start reading. _“One night when there was no moon in the night sky,”_ he turns to Taeil grinning at the appearance of his last name, and Taeil grins back, equally as amused. He continues, _“Dante’s mom and dad took us out into the desert so we could use his new telescope…”_

 

\--

 

He tried his best to hide the fact that he actually prepared so much for their mini outing for that night. Taeil said he only wanted to go stargazing after dinner, but Johnny wanted to make it so much better. When he agreed to make Taeil’s life so much more pleasant and much more enjoyable, and that he wanted to fill him with happy memories, he meant it one hundred percent.

“Dude,” Ten places a firm hand on his knee to stop it from bobbing. “You need to chill,” he jokes. Taeil just went to the bathroom and he isn’t sure if he put the blanket at the back of the car last night.

“Taeil hyung will love it,” he assured.

“And you,” Taeyong adds, giggling mischievously. He freezes, as stares at them both. “How did you know…?”

“Johnny boy,” Ten stares. “You thought we didn’t know?”

“I never told anyone,” he reasons, weirdly defensive.

“Well…” Taeyong shrugs. “You didn’t have to.”

“Everyone within a 7-mile radius can see it.”

“And feel it.”

Johnny’s heart was pounding so hard he can feel it in his ears. “Does he…?”

“He has no idea,” Doyoung assures as he pipes into the conversation for the first time. “He told he didn’t think someone liked him romantically.” Johnny frowns, sad at the idea that the person he’s in love with would think that way. Everyone stared at Doyoung.

“I once suggested he date someone who likes him instead, sue me,” he complained, the prying eyes finally off him. “I wanted to suggest Johnny but he was knee deep in love with Sicheng I don’t think it would have gone well.”

No, it wouldn’t have, Doyoung did the right thing. It wouldn’t even be a good idea, even now. Even though he didn’t open about it much, he was still in the process of making sense of this reality. A reality where his hopeful thoughts about a future for him and Sicheng should be discarded and forgotten for him to move forward without pain while keeping their friendship intact. Johnny would hate it if he had to confuse Taeil even more. He is helping as a friend, and he has no plans of confessing any time soon, if ever.

Ten had to abruptly change the topic when Taeil suddenly came into view, “Did you know…” he mumbles as Taeil takes his seat beside Johnny, “That I hate fruit?”

Taeil laughs, looking to Johnny in confusion. Johnny shrugs and pretends not to know what the other is talking about.

 

\--

 

Johnny quietly tiptoes into the concert hall where the cast of the musical is practicing in, careful not to disturb the practice. He can hear Doyoung’s voice, booming around the hall in one of his scenes, obviously careful of the markers set up for him on stage. He sits at the back, planning to only move seats when they take a break. He looks around for Taeil, but he seems to be backstage, probably helping with the songs as he arranged most of them.

Not before long, most of the lights come back and the people on the stage relax. Their director, who has been sitting in front this whole time, stand up and claps his hand so he can get everyone’s attention. Taeil suddenly peeks from behind the curtains and locks eyes with Johnny, who smiles and waves meekly. He waves back, shyly, as Johnny observes that one of the girls nudges and teases him, but he can also see Taeil denying and probably clarifying that they’re just friends.

“Listen up,” the director announces. “This is our last practice for the week. Please familiarize _all_ of your lines during the weekend, and preserve your voices, we don’t want them strained and hoarse by opening night. Remember: no cold beverages, let’s steer clear of meats and sweets, and no excessive shouting,” Johnny looks around the room as the director continues instructing and freezes when he spots Sicheng at the back. He’s whispering with that other Chinese Music major, Kun as they both tower almost everyone from the cast, except for Doyoung. He knows that Sicheng usually was included in some performances which involved dancing but he didn’t know that he was actually part of the production, Taeil didn’t say anything.

When the director dismisses them, Taeil goes straight for his bag and makes his way towards Johnny, who stands to leave. He’s gone a few feet, however, before Sicheng calls out to him. “Hyung!” he runs after him, and Johnny immediately sensed the panic in Taeil’s widened eyes. “Taeil hyung!” he catches up, and Taeil had no choice but to turn and smile. “We’re having dinner together, Kun, Yuta, and I, do you and Johnny want to join us?” he offers nicely.

“Uhh…” he can see Taeil seriously considering it, plans with Johnny be damned.

“I’m sorry,” Johnny steps forward, putting a protective arm around the older boy. “But we actually have plans.”

“Oh,” he nods dejectedly. “Can I ask…?”

“We’re going to that cemetery with the stars,” Johnny explains vaguely, gesturing around him weirdly.

“Oh, yeah!” Sicheng nods, Kun catching up to him. “Remember when we were there last?” he chuckles, and Taeil throws a guilty glance at Johnny, “Pity I had to run off to Yuta right away, I would have wanted to stay longer, that place was pretty,” he smiles bitterly, “You enjoy the place, though--and we should really have lunch together sometime, we haven't done it since you moved out,” he smiles with finality, before saying goodbye with Kun following him.

So, Johnny’s suspicions were confirmed, he did want to come back to a place he and Sicheng had gone before. He tried so hard not to feel sad about it, but it seems like he can’t help it, so he just tries his best not to show it, instead.

“Should we go, hyung?” he offers, tilting his chin up so Taeil can’t see his face… presumably, he doesn’t know if the other can.

 

\---

 

Even though he was feeling dejected, he couldn’t feel sad the entire ride especially since Taeil was singing the whole time in the truck, gracing his entire space with his beautiful voice. Taeil offered to buy him dinner and stop over at one fast food restaurant but Johnny tells him he already bought some for both of them, he doesn’t say he has the whole night planned, though. He didn’t want this to seem like a date, or at least, he didn’t want to give Taeil that impression.

Taeil gives him the directions, sometimes even singing them, making Johnny crack up.

They were starting to go uphill, and Taeil says they’re almost at the cemetery when he suddenly speaks up.

“Sorry about that thing with Sicheng,” he chuckles.

“What about it?” Johnny asks gently, he didn’t want the other to think there was actually something he should be sorry about.

“I’m making things difficult for you,” he explains. “With helping me, I mean,” he smiles to himself. “You’re doing your best to help me but I’m weak and I’m not even doing my best.”

“You are,” Johnny almost whispers. “Just by taking steps, one by one, you’re trying your best. It’s not easy, I know.”

Taeil turns silent, before pointing to a welcome sign. They had parked away from the tombs, in a small clearing which was obviously meant for a little bit of sightseeing as it looks over the city. Johnny immediately turns off the ignition and gets out of the truck, Taeil following suit. “Well, Sicheng was right,” he says. “This place _is_ pretty,” he looks up, and there they are, beautiful, shining stars. They might have been clearer and there could have been more in Yeongyang as the place was designed to be so, but this was not bad. Not by a long shot. He looks over to Taeil, looking up and smiling at the view. His stomach, however, interrupts and grumbles.

Johnny chuckles, climbing to the back of the truck to retrieve the things he’s prepared. “Oh!” he exclaims. “There are blankets and pillows here. Taeyong and Ten must have left these behind when they borrowed the truck the other day.

Taeil comes bundling over, cute steps and all, and tiptoes to see the blankets for himself. “Score!” he cheers.

“Come up, here. I’ll set up the blanket then we can eat.”

Taeil immediately climbs and watches Johnny smooth out 3 blankets and a comforter. “Did they sleep here, why are there so many?” the other wonders aloud.

Johnny didn’t answer, not confident enough to lie make up a story. He hands him the bag of food instead, before removing his shoes and putting them on the roof of the truck, prompting Taeil to do the same.

They eat quickly, excited to talk about the view around them, while Johnny tries his best to ignore the fact that they’re in a cemetery. “I thought the pollution will hide the stars,” he admits, opening the plastic bag to throw their discarded food wrapper in.

“I was actually surprised, too. There are more stars now compared to the last time I’ve been here.”

They both make themselves comfortable, lying at the back of the truck, watching the stars twinkle. A cool breeze passes and it’s so refreshing Johnny actually thinks they could be together for a few seconds. But it just passes, though, and the thought doesn’t stay.

“A while ago,” Taeil breaks the silence. “When you told me I’m trying my best to move on, you said _I know it’s hard._ Have you fallen in love, and didn’t tell me?” he looks over to Johnny, who has turned melancholic. “Who is it?”

He just laughs the question off, afraid that answering might make him say the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's my day off so i decided to write another one!! whooo. since i have a full time job, there may be days when i can't update but i'll try to be as consistent as possible.
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this chapter!!
> 
> as always, you can dm me on twitter @choisoftcheol or @crystaljaem or you can leave a comment so we can talk about the fic, johnil, or nct in general! ❤️


	4. Chapter 3

Exams are fast approaching so he and Taeil put a temporary halt on their excursions and decided to pour their energy on studying for the prelims so they can do a big one after it. Aristotle and Dante had to be tucked away for a while, replaced by books on art history, literature, music, and visual arts. Johnny always studied ahead as he likes to keep organized notes and it always takes so much time to color-code and rewriting and around a few days before the Arts and Humanities Departmentals, he’s finished studying and all he’s left with is reviewing. He still hangs out with everyone else by the library, though, although the only ones he could _seriously_ help were Taeil and Doyoung since he wasn’t very familiar with the curriculum of the Dance Department. Music majors and Art Majors, however, had very similar minors. But it’s not like Doyoung needs help, anyway, the guy was always much more prepared than he is. Most of his attention turns to Taeil, who seems to be frustrated with all his readings.

“Hyung,” he whispers, poking his hand as he sits right across him. “Any problem?”

“Reading,” he smiles sadly, pointing to his Art History and Literary Art books and lecture notes: words all printed tightly together. He tears a paper from his notebook and scribbles something on it, before passing it to Johnny. “I’ve been trying to finish this page for hours now.”

Johnny looks up at him and frowns, as the other goes back to his work. He huffs in frustration, trying to make sense of what he’s reading.

Suddenly, Johnny gets an idea. He reaches inside his bag for one of the unused notebooks that he carries around just in case and starts writing his notes for Art History, but now with bolder letters and wider letters, more pronounced edges and curves, and keep a certain amount of distance in between them. He writes a sentence and passes it to Taeil.

“Can you read this easier?” he whispers. Taeil looks down to read the paper and gets a certain glint in his eyes, slowly smiling. He nods, yes, and gives the paper back to Johnny.

\---

It’s 2 am and Johnny’s hand starts to cramp, but he’s on the last parts of his notes for Literary Art and he really wants to finish the whole thing within the day since Taeil only had a few days left before the departmentals for Art History and L.A. The spot where the pen usually rubs against his finger has reddened from friction, but there’s no pain a blue band-aid can’t alleviate. He stretches for one more time before he starts writing again.

After a few minutes, he starts to hear something, a low groaning which makes him look around him. He tries to ignore it and continues to write, but the groaning comes back, but this time it’s louder, and eerily sound like his name. He breathes heavily, convincing himself that it’s just his tired brain telling tricks, so he forces himself to go back to writing.

However, the groaning continues, almost like a chant, and Johnny gets goosebumps, and he startles when a loud thud follows it.

Johnny… _thud._ It happens louder and louder, and Johnny is just getting more and more scared, but the louder it gets, the more familiar the voice sounds like. “Johnny… come here.”

“Hyung?” Johnny calls out, identifying the voice as Taeil’s. “Hyung why are you trying to scare me?” he follows up. _Thud, thud, thud._ Even though he’s scared shitless and his heart is hammering against his chest, the fact that Taeil’s voice is calling out to him (maybe in distress, or asking for help, he should find out), he feels the need to check the sound out. So he carefully opens the door of his room, only for a sleeping Taeil to fall into his arms, failing to bump against the door. When he lands on Johnny’s arms, he starts snoring and mumbles his name a few more times before snoring again. He’s sleepwalking and sleeptalking.

“That’s cute,” he coos, trying to balance him in his arms. Since Taeil was much shorter than he is and set much narrower, it wasn’t difficult for him to wrap his arms around him, and lift him up, carrying him. Instinctively for the sleeping boy, he snuggles to Johnny’s warmth, and wraps both legs around the boy, sniffing him in the process. “Johnny…” he mumbles into the others’ neck. Johnny flushes, slowly walking out while making sure the boy wrapped around him doesn’t wake up. The door to Taeil’s door was open, and he kicked off one of his books in the process of sleepwalking, and the other kicks it aside. He gently puts the other down, who immediately snuggles against Blue, Johnny’s favorite plushie who sometimes finds refuge in the other boy’s room, and immediately starts snoring again. The taller boy leans over him, smoothing his hair and clears his face of it, smiling at Taeil’s sigh as he combs his fingers through his hair. “I know you like it when I do that,” he whispers under his breath, “But I still need to finish your notes, okay?” he sighs, then goes back to his room to finish the notes, now fairly sure there aren’t any ghosts in his apartment, just a beautiful boy who sleepwalks and sleep talks.

\---

The others are still in class while he and Taeil decide to hit the books again, him reviewing, and Taeil slaving over his books, trying to make sense of the words in front of him. He finished the notebook at 4 in the morning, but now, he has no idea why he did it in the first place if he can’t manage to give it anyway. But he’s still unsure, isn’t the notebook too much of an effort? What if he figures it out? He glances at Taeil who has closed his book and has leaned back against his chair, rubbing his face in frustration. Johnny reaches for the notebook inside his bag, debating with himself the entire time. Eventually, he decided to just fuck it and places the notebook on top of Taeil’s book. The other still had his face in his hands so he didn’t see him put it there, quickly, he puts on his headphones and blasts the loudest music from his library and starts pretending to read.

From the corner of his eye, he saw Taeil sigh and turn back to his book, only to find the notebook there. He opens it, as slowly as he could. Johnny can still make out the legend and instructions he drew on page one where he explains how he arranged the notes and how he color-coded the most important details with categorization charts to make things easier for the dyslexic boy. Taeil flips through the pages, and Johnny noticed that he _is_ trying to read the notes. The smaller boy looks up at him, but Johnny continues acting to be engrossed about whatever he’s reading. He only looks up when Taeil closes his book and opens the notebook instead. Johnny turns back to his book, missing the way Taeil’s eyes water while he reads his carefully and painstakingly written notes.

\---

When Johnny’s class end, he goes straight for the snack bar a few blocks away from their university, he is alone while the others are spending their extra time in the library, while Taeil and Doyoung go for a long, rough run for the musical before they take a break from practice because of the exams. The snack bar is a healthy one and sells salads, protein drinks, and pureed fruits and vegetables, squished between a yoga center and a gym. If that isn’t perfect location hunting, he doesn’t know what is.

Soft wind chimes alert the person by the counter to look up and smile generously, welcoming him to the shop.

“Hyung,” the boy smiles widely, his eyes crinkling attractively by the sides. “You’re back.”

“Hi, Jen,” he greets the high school boy back. “Where’s Jaemin?”

“He’s out back, resting a little. He’s kinda tired from the exams,” the boy hands him a piece of paper where he can check specifically to choose his order.

“How about you? You had exams, too, right?” he hands the paper back to the boy, prompting him to ring a bell to place the order. “I made him go rest first, I’m not that tired,” he reasons, weirdly shifty about Johnny’s prying eyes on him.

“Whatever you say,” he teases, making Jeno flush furiously.

“You’re one to talk,” the boy mutters under his breath but Johnny heard it.

“What?”

“As if you’re one to talk about my crush,” he lowers his voice significantly and looks around at the mention of the c-word. “I’m 240% sure this is for Taeil hyung anyway,” Johnny stood there in stunned, amused silence, as the boy steps away to whip up his order.

\---

When Johnny arrives in the concert hall, it is once again dark and quiet, and Doyoung is still on the stage with the female protagonist, but this time, Taeil is in the scene with them. He stands way back in the hall, careful not to disturb the obviously serious company. Taeil acts seriously and slowly gets into a song about introducing the female he is in love to his brother Doyoung, giving way for him and her, as they both were supposedly smitten by each other at their first meeting. Taeil’s character smiles at both of them, seemingly enjoying the interaction, but the desperation in his voice expressed the pain he’s in. Taeil is a fantastic actor and a groundbreaking singer. His voice fills the hall and the whole ensemble dances in time behind him. Johnny gets so engrossed in the action that he gasps quietly when Taeil hits a really high note.

“Good!” their director claps as soon as the lights come back. “Very good. Taeil I need you to maintain that, but take care of your voice, it sounds marvelous but just a few of those belts and you’d be strained before our whole set finishes, okay?” Taeil nods, still breathless from his singing.

They take a small break, and Taeil waves him over to him and Doyoung, smiling. “Hey, good job,” he addresses them both. “I never knew you could hit a note that high, wow. I’ve only heard Doyoung belt before, but never you,” Taeil flushes at the attention given to his singing, thanking him shyly.

“What is that?” Doyoung points to the bag in his hand.

“Oh, right!” he reaches inside the paper bag and produces the drinks he bought. “These are the pureed fruit I bought from that health shop where Jeno and Jaemin work at,” he hands Doyoung the warm cucumber and honey juice, and he hands Taeil the warm watermelon and honey one, earning thank you’s from both boys, who sip on them right away. The director, Mr. Park strides over to them pointedly. “Doyoung, Taeil, what is that?”

Johnny steps forward, explaining right away. “Don’t worry, sir. It’s warm juice, and Doyoung’s only have fresh cucumber and pure honey, while Taeil’s have room temperature watermelons and pure honey.” The director looks at him, obviously impressed. He reaches into his bag and produces one more. “Here, sir. This is warm honey lemon, it’s for you.” The director graciously and sips on his.

“Where did you get this?” he asks.

“There’s a health food store and snack bar around 4 blocks away. I…” he glances at the boys consciously. “Researched about natural food and drinks good for the voice, and these were suggested. Plus, Taeil hyung likes sweets so I didn’t really want him eating weird stuff when he craves them,” Taeil looks up at him, pouting.

The professor nods approvingly, he turns to Taeil, “I like your boyfriend. He can stay here and wait for you every day if he likes,” the director jokes, walking away before any one of them can correct him.

\---

Taeil was too tired to eat out so they settled for whatever was on the fridge. While Taeil went to his room to change, Johnny scoured their kitchen for whatever he could cook for them both, and eventually settles for warm chicken stew, since the temperature has significantly dropped anyway. He starts to clean the chicken and chops the spices and vegetables which are supposed to go inside it. While he’s washing the onion chives, Taeil comes out of his room in his home clothes and contact lenses removed, replaced by his glasses. “Are you super hungry? I was thinking of making samgyetang, but now I think it might take too long to cook. But I kinda wanna make it since the temperature suddenly dropped and you might get a cold,” he explains while the other just stood at the other end of the counter.

“I’m not that hungry, you can make the samgyetang,” he answers quietly. Johnny smiles, quietly observing that Taeil seems to be acting weirdly. He stays quiet, though, thinking he can just talk to him about it after dinner. He continues chopping vegetables and spices and shoves them (quite aggressively) in the chicken before he puts all of the ingredients in the boiling water. He looks at the closed pot lid and checks his work and sets the temperature of the heat when he suddenly felt arms slowly surrounding him. He freezes on his spot, realizing that Taeil had hugged him.

“Why did you pretend the notebook wasn’t yours?” the voice behind him whispers against his back.

“It--it wasn’t…” he tries to lie, but the Taeil chuckles quietly.

“I know it’s yours, we bought the notebook together, I picked it for you,” he reminds him. “Plus, I can recognize your penmanship, and maybe also the fact that no one else was with us then.”

Johnny stays quiet. “You could have just given it to me.”

“I didn’t want to make you feel like I pity you. I just really wanted to help.”

“I know,” Johnny panics when he feels wetness against his back. “You’re always helping me,” the other sobs. Johnny immediately pries the others’ arms away and turns to face him, clutching his face in his hands, but Taeil goes back to wrapping his arms around his torso, crying into his neck.

“Hey…” he wraps his arms around his shoulders in return, smoothing the others’ back to comfort him. “What’s wrong?”

He shakes his head, hiccuping in the process. “I’m just overwhelmed.”

“Overwhelmed by what?”

“By you.”

“What did I do?”

Taeil sobs harder, “So much,” he breathes. “So, so much.” Johnny stays quiet, not really understanding, but not really wanting to force Taeil to explain himself. “You gave up the room you go to to relax for me, you invited me into your comfort zone, you’ve been doing your best to help me, and this morning it just hit me how much you’ve done for me,” he cries. “It must have tired you out… all the writing.”

“It’s okay,” he whispers against his hair.

“I’ve never thanked you for them.”

“You don’t have to.”

Taeil pulls away, face wet with tears and snot. Johnny reaches for a kitchen tissue and wipes them off for him, chuckling at the state of his face. “Don’t cry, hyung,” he wipes his tears with his hands but Taeil grabs his right wrist and looks at his hand. It was slightly spasming, and the area of his finger where he usually pressed his pen against was still kind of red.

“Thank you.”

 _Anything for you._ “You’re welcome.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know if anyone has noticed, that bit where taeil is singing is a scene from hamilton, and in my mind, taeil is singing "satisfied" lol
> 
> i actually have a real life inspiration for this chapter. one of my closest friends is dyslexic so she turned to arts and music because they were so much easier for her and her college boyfriend summarizes all of the content from all her books and transferred them all to multiple notebooks, all color coded and widely written so they were easier for her to read. the first time he gave them to her, there were around 8 notebooks and she cried so hard, and i couldn't stop laughing at her. but it was the nicest thing ever uwu.
> 
> my brain is on a roll lately so i'm just writing everything out before i run out of ideas and before i become too busy to write regularly. i hope you enjoyed this chapter!
> 
> as you usual you can leave comments and criticisms on the comments section or you can dm me on twitter @choisoftcheol i don't bite i promise. i think.
> 
> thank you for reading!


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got so busy at work i didn't get to update as often as i wanted to and i wasn't in the mood to write for a few days but i think i'm back on track. please enjoy this chapter!

Johnny has been resting his head against the wall, closing his eyes for a while to rest them. He’s been pressed against his sketch for a while now but it hasn’t been turning out like he wanted it to be. He had a handkerchief covering his eyes, allowing it to relax for a while. The lounge was silent so he could clearly hear the footsteps quietly coming up the stairs, but he decided to ignore it since it could just be anyone anyways. The footsteps become nearer and nearer, however, and he can feel the person lean over to check if he’s really asleep. He pretends to be, intent on resting for a while. A chair near him is dragged quietly and someone quietly turning the pages of a printed something.

“I know you’re asleep, and I know you’re tired,” Johnny almost startles at the soft sound of Taeil’s voice. “I just rushed up here to tell you that I got an A for my Art History class,” Johnny tried not to smile along, listening to the smile on Taeil’s timid voice. “I’ve never gotten an A before… and it’s all thanks to you,” Johnny wanted to correct him, that no, he contributed a little, he helped a little, but Taeil did all the studying, he spent all night reading those notes, and there’s nothing he could have done to affect hard work. “I hope you rest well, though, you’ve been so tired lately,” Taeil sighs. “You’re so tall eyebags make you look like Frankenstein’s monster,” he chuckles to himself, confident that Johnny can’t hear him. “I hope you stop thinking that what you’re doing isn’t enough, you’re trying your best I think that’s enough.” Johnny stays still, he wants to react, to say something, to thank him at least, but he doesn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable through letting him know he’s listening.

\---

Johnny has been in line for more than 10 minutes, quietly scrolling through his social media before the travel fund associate called his name. “Johnny!” he’s been here so many times that he has struck up a lot of conversations with her.

“I’m glad to see you back,” she smiles as he sits. “You’ve saved quite a lot now,” she comments, pulling up his account on her end.

“I got used to it,” he shrugs. “Plus, someone’s giving me rent and I’m saving all of it.”

She peers curiously at him. “Is it…” she raises her eyebrows. Johnny doesn’t know how many people he’s told about Taeil but he’s sure it has gone to a level where it’s not that necessary. But what can he do? She was asking what and who the fund was for.

“Yeah, it’s him.”

“You actually have enough now,” she concludes, taking Johnny’s new deposit in her hands and feeding the bills to the counting machine. “My advice is, you can make a few more deposits so you can have an emergency fund.”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” he nods. “I wasn’t thinking of using it up right away, anyway. I was thinking Christmas break.”

“Aren’t you going home to Chicago?”

“My parents are planning a second honeymoon, I didn’t want to be there while… you know,” he jokes, making her chuckle while she processed his deposit.

They sit in silence while she starts filling up a transaction form before sliding it over to him to sign. “He’s a lucky guy,” she comments. “You’ve been saving up for more than a year now.”

Johnny smiles as he signs twice, thinking of Taeil. “He’s worth it.”

\---

Johnny was on the phone with his mom, giving each other updates when the sound of a car stopping outside the apartment building which made him peer at the window, just as he spots a small figure coming up to the door before a red car drives off. He scurries back to the couch while his mom continued talking about her holiday in Europe with her friends. “Johnny, are you listening?”

“Yeah, mom, I am.” The door opens at that moment, making him turn to the door, a tired, disheveled Taeil comes in, dragging his bag and probably his entire soul with him, his eyes half closed and his hair still messy, probably from the wind. He drops his bag on the ground and crashes onto the other couch.

“Hyung?” Johnny asks quietly after his phone call with his mom and Taeil groans in response, turning over to face Johnny. He smiles exhaustedly at him. “Have you eaten? Should I make you something?”

“I can’t eat anything heavy, it’s opening night tomorrow,” he frowns.

“It’s fine. I’ve already made some chicken and ginger congee, I can just heat it up,” before the other can even respond, he already put his phone aside and is already walking towards the kitchen.

“That’s all you had for dinner? Congee?” Taeil asks as Johnny busies himself with the pots.

“No. I had dinner with Taeyong and Yuta,” he answers, lowering his voice at the mention of Yuta as it might spike up a whole conversation about Sicheng. “I just made this when I arrived home.”

“Just the three of you?” For some degree, sometimes he thinks he caused Taeil’s heartbreak. He’s always been friends with the other two, being born on the same year, and all, but he thinks him introducing them to him and Sicheng started the whole friendship thing with Sicheng and Yuta that he didn’t expect to flourish at all.

“Yeah, just us,” he stands by the cooker, waiting for the congee to heat up. “What time is the opening tomorrow?” he asks, trying to change the topic.

“7 pm,” he sighs. “My brain is still singing the songs, I’m so tired.”

Johnny chuckles when even the phrase _i’m so tired_ already sounds sing-songy, as if melodies are stuck in his throat. “You’re supposed to rest tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I can’t strain my voice.”

“Want my help?”

“No, that’s okay. I don’t want to take your Saturday.”

“I’m not that busy, though,” he clarifies, omitting the fact that _of course,_ he’s vacant tomorrow, he’s canceled everything for this weekend as soon as he knew the schedule for the musical. “I’ve reserved some of those warm juice from Jeno’s shop, I can just pick them up tomorrow morning, and I’ve also called the water delivery shop, we’re almost out of water and you need to hydrate.”

Taeil smiles as he tiredly closes his eyes, “You know I’m not getting paid, right?” he asks quietly. “I hope you weren’t expecting a commission or anything ‘cause you’d be highly disappointed if you were.” he jokes.

Johnny smiles at the banter but chooses not to say anything in fear that he’s going to say something to expose himself.

 

\---

 

Johnny is clad in his comfiest pajamas, leaning against his headboard and hugging one of his plushies while writing in his journal when he stops to listen to tiny bumping sounds against the wall. He listens for signs of Taeil, and visibly relaxes when he hears footsteps and the creak of the next door opening. He turns back to his notebook before the bumping sound continues, but this time, on his door.

“Hyung?” he calls out. “You can come in,” the knob turns slowly, revealing a sleeping Taeil, struggling with getting the door out of the way. “Hyung?” Johnny asks again, trying to make sure if the other is really asleep or not. Taeil’s sleeping form tries to walk forward but he bumps against the door, but he repeatedly tries to go forward until he finally gets the door out of the way. After his initial confusion, Johnny finally steps out of his bed and approaches Taeil. He’s read somewhere that you shouldn’t wake someone sleepwalking and guide them back to their own beds, and that what Johnny attempts to do. He blocks Taeil’s way, making him turn back around to his room. “This way, hyung,” he whispers gently. “This way,” he does guide, but because of some miscalculations on his part, Taeil bumps into their furniture 4 more times before he successfully guided him back to his bed.

When Taeil is successfully in his bed, face down, squishing Blue underneath him, Johnny turns to return to his room, but the older stirs in his sleep again, groaning uncomfortably. He has settled back into his bed for only a few minutes before the bumping sound starts again and it wasn’t long before Taeil walks straight into his unclosed room, heading straight for the bed. Johnny leaps out of his bed, trying to guide Taeil out of the room again, but he has already climbed into his bed, reaching for the nearest plushie, Jay. Johnny stands at the edge of his bed as he watches the older settle into his pillows and goes back to sleep. He finally sighs in resignation and glances at the wall clock. It’s already 12 midnight and he has class the first thing in the morning. If he doesn’t go to sleep now he’d sure be late to class. He plans to just wake up early the next morning to avoid the awkwardness of this all.

He smiles to himself, who is he trying to trick, this is already like God just dropped candy in front of a kindergartener. Either way, he crawls over to the other side of his bed slowly and grabs another plushie before turning his back on sleeping boy. Knowing the others’ presence near him, however, made it difficult for him to fall asleep--although Taeil’s deep breathing was relaxing, he was tossing and turning, and with every movement, was becoming gradually closer to him.

As a solution, he reaches under his head and pulls out his second pillow so he can put it in between them. He slowly turns around, but he had underestimated Taeil’s movement and had not realized that he was right behind him. Johnny tries to use the pillow to roll Taeil away but this just made him groan and started to stick closer, his face almost touching Johnny’s chest, as he hugs Jay the Seal tighter. His eyebrows were knit together as if the constant moving annoyed him. Johnny sighs and then chuckles in resignation, trying his all not to coo at his sleeping hyung. “Why are you _so cute,_ ” he grumbles quietly, before deciding to smooth Taeil’s hair with his hands. His long hair had stuck to his forehead and it didn’t look comfortable, while he had his hand in his hair, Taeil sighs comfortably and snuggles closer, pressing his nose to Johnny’s chest. Johnny can feel blood rush to his face even though no one is seeing him right now, and even though he’s been physically close to Taeil before, they have never been this _close_ before, it almost feels intimate. The older boys’ lips pull up into a contented smile the more Johnny ran his hand through his hair and Johnny decided to keep doing it, rubbing Taeil’s head with the tips of his fingers. By doing it, Taeil eventually stops moving around and Johnny becomes drowsy himself, resting his elbow on his hyung’s shoulder when his hand got exhausted from massaging his head, trapping the other’s head between his arms.

“Good night, hyung,” he mumbles tiredly as he slowly drifted to sleep.

In his dreams, Taeil quietly answers with ‘Good night, Johnny’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope this wasn't so bad. i know it's kinda cliche but i've long given up on making this unique, i just want to give jonhil some fluffy fluff. i hope you enjoyed it!


	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have been listening to malibu nights too much. please enjoy my depression infused update!

Johnny debates with himself as he stood outside the theater; his left hand was trembling--maybe because he had not eaten anything since morning--while his right hand shook for a completely different reason. The bouquet shook so much he was afraid the petals would just fall off. It’s not that the flowers were a dead giveaway, giving flowers as a form of congratulations is a very common thing in Korea, especially for events like these, but it made Johnny agitated anyway. He stares at the flowers in his hand, and up at the small group of people walking to the theater, some of them bringing flowers. He immediately fixes his resolve and stood up straight, deciding that he would just march in there, wait for a chance to talk to the older, congratulate him and give him the flowers. He exhales loudly, straightening his coat and made for the entrance. Because he spent so much time outside, it was already crowded when he came in, but since he was significantly taller than the average person, it was not difficult for him to try to look for Taeil around the room. It wasn’t long before he spots the bright red hair, a color choice that made sure the older was poking out of the crowd. He sidesteps and makes his way through the crowd, trying his best to keep his limbs from hitting anyone. “Hyung!” he called out but the other didn't hear. He was about to call out one more time but he froze on the spot when he realized the reason why he couldn’t hear him.

Sicheng was standing in front of Taeil, handing him a single, yellow flower, making the older flush from his forehead to his ears as he takes it in his hands. Johnny freezes, he just stood there, enough to be out of sight, as he watched Taeil’s smile grow from a small, shy, one, to a huge grin, not only manifesting through his bared teeth but also the heart in his eyes. Johnny had been extremely foolish. Why did he think Taeil would be able to move on? Taeil was in love, just like him. And just like the way he can’t seem to move on from Taeil, the older can’t seem to move on from Sicheng himself. He should know: it doesn't matter if the one you love loves someone else, you just love them, and you just keep on, anyway.

He slowly backs away, careful about bumping into someone. Before turning back around, exiting the theater, and going back to the corner he stood by a while ago and threw the flowers in the trash. Nothing would compare to the one Sicheng had already given him.

He just stood there, staring at the bouquet he’d just thrown away, cursing himself for tearing up. He had not confronted defeat many times in the past, preferring ignorance, and preferring simple expression of affection, rather than thinking of his loss ever since the beginning. He always preferred giving Taeil whatever he deserved rather than think about the fact that he’s just running in place and that there has never been any competition because Sicheng had won long ago. It broke his heart, it did, so much so. But what he offers is not a deal, where he gives his heart and Taeil just gives his in return. What he offers is a gift: Taeil can take it, Taeil can ignore it. Taeil can throw it away. Taeil can break it. And there’s nothing he can do, whichever of those he decides to do.

“Johnny?” his breath hitches when he hears Yuta’s voice. “Is that you?” he quickly wipes his tears away and straightens before turning around.

“Hey, man.”

“What are you doing here?” he steps closer, squinting to get a better look at his face. He thanks the darkness which made sure his glistening eyes were unclear.

“I was just talking to my mom on the phone,” but his voice unexpectedly shakes and he sniffs. “It’s cold,” he reasons.

“Yeah, it is. So let’s go in.”

“You go first, I’ll follow right in,” Yuta frowns but nods and leaves anyway. Johnny turns back around and breathes deeply, he couldn't show sadness in front of Taeil, he was here to support, not burden him with his unnecessary feelings. He breathes deeply one last time, before turning around.

He tried his best not to jump and scream when he found Taeil standing a few feet away. Taeil had a curious look on his face, somewhere between confused and concerned. “Hey, I thought you weren’t coming, I was getting worried.”

“I just had to take a call,” Johnny lies again, noticing Taeil’s shivers. “Hey, go in! It’s so cold out here you can’t get a cold it’ll ruin your voice,” the older was still kind of in a trance and Johnny had to push him back inside where it was warm. “Shouldn’t you be changed by now?”

“I am,” Taeil chuckles shyly, opening his coat and showing his simple stage clothes. “I just wanted to see you before going backstage.”

“Well, I’m here now,” Johnny assures kindly. “You should be resting… or rehearsing.”

“I’ve done resting and rehearsing for today, I’m fine,” he pats Johnny’s arm, before dragging him off to the side entrance of the backstage. “I just wanted to see a friendly face before going up.”

“You nervous?” he and Taeil just hung out by the dark hallway, leaning against the wall comfortably.

“Kinda,” he leans against the wall beside Johnny, propping his foot up against it. “I’ve never had a crowd as big as this one.”

“You always sound beautiful,” he states candidly. “I’ve seen you practice, you don’t really need to worry. Plus, you can just look for a spot that you can look at, or think about something comfortable.”

Taeil smiles, nodding. “Good thing I saved you a seat at the front then, that way I can spot you easily.”

Johnny’s heart skips a beat, an entire zoo is going wild in his stomach with the elders’ statement. He tried to contain his elation since he didn’t want to presume anything, but his entire being basically just functioned through autopilot and refused to follow his instructions. “You can look at Sicheng, though,” he suggests.

Taeil smiles as if mulling it over. “No,” he quietly says. “Oddly, _you’re_ the one who makes me feel comfortable and at home. Sicheng is butterflies and heavy drumming. You’re…” Johnny's throat felt like restricting, anticipating Taeil’s next words. “Cool night rain after an extremely humid day. You’re glad it’s there, and you’ve been waiting for it the entire day.”

Johnny smiles bitterly because sometimes, cool night rain isn’t something you _need_ but butterflies and heavy drumming is--that’s exactly how romantic feels like. He didn’t want to be a downer, he didn’t want to be a pessimist, but he’d just had allowed his emotions to remind him of the truth recently, and he wasn’t exactly optimistic yet. Maybe he can sleep this off and it’d come back. But it’s not like he doesn’t like it… he does. Who doesn’t want to be thought of as someone comfortable?

“Then I’d be there for you,” he answers honestly, just as his name is being called out.

“Taeil?” Doyoung appeared by the end of the hallway, “Hyung. We should be gathered now,” Doyoung says, gesturing for the older to come with him. Taeil straightens up, turning to Johnny. “I’ll see you after, okay? Let’s walk home together.”

Johnny nods, as he watches him walk away.

\---

To say that he was enamored was a gross understatement. Rehearsals did nothing to match with the actual performance--it may be because things actually came together, the props, the settings, the timing, even the ad libs were perfectly timed. Johnny had his mouth agape most of the time, gasping, and even tearing up with the audience. He would admit it would be mainly because Taeil’s character hit too close to home, not only for him but for Taeil himself. His character was in love with someone who was already in love with his brother, played by Doyoung, and since he had noticed the reciprocity on Doyoung’s end, he’d let them be, dealing with his broken heart alone. Taeil’s main song number was so filled with sorrow most of the audience was stunned to silence.

“Sounds like you and him,” Yuta comments during the applause. “Except he doesn’t have to deal with it alone, he has you. You, though. You’re dealing with it alone,” he eyes Johnny, who was too surprised to say anything before the applause died down. So, when Yuta walks to Sicheng right after the play finished, Johnny was left there, unsure of whether he needed his friend to clarify anything.

He tried to stay standing in one spot as most of the families and friends of the members of the production rushed to each other, exchanging pleasantries and congratulations. Taeil was surrounded by a lot of people he didn’t know and was technically swarmed by them, the older politely smiling and maintaining a conversation. After what seemed like forever, Taeil finally managed to come to his side, pretty in his stage outfit and makeup. “You can wait by the backstage door, I just need to change, then we can go, okay?” he nods, given no time to respond properly before Taeil is again pulled away to talk to someone else he doesn’t know.

Trying to get away from the hectic environment, Johnny tries to thread through the crowd, exhaling loudly as soon as he steps outside. The cool autumn wind hits him in the face and he breathes deeply again. The entire day has been an emotional roller coaster for him, during the morning, he allowed himself to feel domestic with all the assisting and running around he’s been doing. He’s allowed himself to think like he’s acting like a cute boyfriend, with making sure Taeil drinks water, and eats healthily while making sure his voice won’t be affected, and with all the cooking and just all around support he’s given. But that is the danger of allowing yourself to think that way, is when you actually pull back and come back to reality, you realize that all this time, all you’re hurting is yourself. He doesn’t want to stop helping Taeil either, as first and foremost, he’s his friend, and apparently, the only who can help him out.

He doesn’t really know what to do.

“Hey,” Johnny startles when a hand lands on his shoulder gently. “You weren’t waiting by the backstage exit,” Taeil had already changed into his casual clothes, but he still had his haired styled and he hadn’t removed his makeup. He was seriously so pretty, Johnny couldn’t stop himself from cooing. “Why are you _so cute,_ hyung?”

“Why are you like this again?” Taeil groans, but he was smiling anyway. “I thought you were done with this cute thing.”

“I’m not done,” he jokes, before trying to pinch his cheeks, but he managed to get away. If there was something Johnny is actually weak against, with no chance of winning, it was cuteness. If his fixation on Taeil’s height and cheeks couldn’t convince you, maybe his shitload of plushies on his bed will convince you.

“Stop it!” Taeil pulls him by the arm, squeezing him insistently before pulling him towards him, holding onto his arm with both hands while walking away from the building with him. “What should we have for dinner? We don’t have another production until next week, I can eat carelessly tonight.”

Johnny enjoys their banter, allowing himself to bask in the fact that Taeil has comfortably leaned against him, smiling and laughing throughout their conversation.

“Hyung!” that dies out, when a voice calls out to them. “Taeil hyung!” Taeil whips his head back, and when he realizes it’s Sicheng, he immediately let go of Johnny’s arm, although it feels like his arm has been burned. He stares at it and looks to Taeil, who had turned his whole attention to Sicheng. Just as he trained himself, he takes one deep breath, pushes all his negative thoughts aside, and smiles at both of them.

He doesn’t notice Yuta’s eyes trained on him, heart aching for his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't ever really write too much of fluff, i die from the inside  
> things can't always be perfect, though, this is a one-sided love :(  
> jonhil is striving so hard these days but sadly, it's all due to johnny's efforts hahahaha  
> taeil loves winwin too much
> 
> i actually was just inspired to write the second half of the chapter today because of this:
> 
> https://twitter.com/jejutangerines/status/1055374340072460288
> 
> seriously, his face when doyoung said "taeil doesn't have much interest in johnny hyung" and when he said "i'm the only one pushing it" SENDS ME my imagination just went wild i'm crying it sounds so SAD don't take me too seriously, though, i like to imagine
> 
> i also made a playlist which i constantly listen to when i'm writing you can check it out if you're interested
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4GewOVd2HcgKChrDqQv88M
> 
> keep the comments coming, i love reading them! we can talk about johnil more  
> thank you for reading!


	7. Chapter 6

"What do you plan to do for Christmas break?" Taeil asks as the movie intro blasts all around them through the speakers.  
  
"Uhhhh," he panics, having not anticipated him to ask when the last quarter has just even started. "My parents are going on a European cruise," he states the basic as he thinks of a way to phrase his invitation without seeming overeager.   
  
"Oh! You're joining them?" he didn't want to be assumptive but he could hear the disappointment in the others' voice.   
  
"Nah," he pauses the movie as the start credits start to fade into the screen. "I actually kind of want to spend the holidays in Japan this year," Taeil's eyes twitch in interest and twinkles just imagining Japan in the winter.   
  
"Japan?" he repeats in the tiniest voice. "I've always wanted to go to Japan."   
  
"Oh, yeah, that's right!" he snaps and pretends to recall. " _That's_ why I had a super positive idea about a holiday in Japan, I think you've mentioned it before."   
  
"Yeah, I think I have," he sighs wistfully, then promptly turns back to the computer and plays the movie.   
  
This is it, Johnny thinks. He reaches out to pause the video again. "How about," Taeil looks to him, confused. "You come with me?" the moment the words leave his lips.   
  
Taeil's expression remains the same for a while before turning to confusion, "To Japan?"   
  
"Yeah."   
  
"I can't afford that, Johnny, you know that" he frowns disappointedly, lips pouting in the slightest way which frustrates Johnny so much.   
  
"It's fine," he assures nonchalantly. "I was supposed to give Yuta a trip to Japan as a Christmas gift anyway."   
  
"But he's already going to Japan himself, right?"   
  
"Yeah! That means..."   
  
"That means...?" the older asks, genuinely unsure if he should know the answer, his eyes wide with confusion. There is nothing cuter in the world. Not even his Totoro plushie. _Why is he so dense?_

“That means I get to share the ticket with you!” he beams at the older, who despite the elation, remained apprehensive.

“I don’t have a lot of savings yet,” he says meekly, resigned. “I still have to save a lot for accommodation, food… a lot.”

“You don’t have to worry about it. I have more than enough,” he leans back against the headboard and plays the movie, trying to avoid interrogation.

“What? No,” the older pauses the movie again, facing Johnny. “I don’t want to take from you.”

“Don’t think of it like that,” he insists. “I’ve had the savings _specifically_ for the Japan trip, and I don’t wanna go alone, anyway. Don’t worry about it. My savings can only be used for travel, it would be wasted if I didn’t share it,” he didn’t know if that was true, and if banks could do that, but it was the only way he could make Taeil come with him without making him feel guilty about it. “You can also think of it as a birthday gift.”

“It’s October.”

“It’s super advanced then, goodness,” he jokes, trying his best to make sure Taeil doesn’t start feeling like it’s an obligation for him to pay back or anything like that. “Okay, let’s put it this way. Think of it as a birthday gift and a Christmas gift for next year.”

“That’s an expensive birthday gift.”

“Don’t think about it,” Johnny complained. “Just… think about it this way: It’s Japan. You’ve always wanted to go, right?”

Taeil mulls it over, still hesitant. “You better not get me a Birthday and Christmas present until I pay this off.” he squints at him, playfully threatening him. Johnny laughs it off, thinking about the pre-ordered exercise equipment he’s hidden in his room, and the personalized guitar he has on hold.

  
  


Johnny sat cross-legged, reclining and crushing his whale plushie as the cold autumn breeze blew past the balcony. He looked up at the sky, cloudy and empty, as the sound of crickets broke the near complete silence. He tightened his arms around his pillow, his heart tightening, his soul breaking.

Taeil has arrived home an hour ago, hurriedly muttered a “don't follow me” before slamming his door behind him. The sobbing had started almost immediately, much to his devastation. He had no idea what happened, he couldn't ask nor intrude. He just stood there, listening to the person he loves the most heave and sob, and couldn't even do anything. It eventually got so bad that he had to run away to the farthest area of the house from Taeil’s room: his balcony.

It had died down for a while or at least had become quiet enough for it to be inaudible for him, but now, he can hear it again, the unmistakable sobbing that rips Johnny’s heart out little by little. His own toes curl, his breath shortens, and he clutches his chest, desperate to take away Taeil’s pain. A tear falls from his eye, falling on his pillow, landing with painful ease. He reaches for his phone and types a small message.

“Please let me help.”

He sets his phone aside, as he closes his eyes again, sighing heavily. It wasn't long before his phone lit up.

“You can come in.”

He immediately sprung up from his seat and quietly padded to the older’s room. He hesitates in front of it, thinking twice about sharing Taeil’s personal space. He can still hear him sniffing and hiccuping, mumbling incoherently to himself. Johnny leans his forehead against the door, inhaling deeply before knocking.

“Johnny?” Taeil’s voice was suddenly so tiny, saying his name as a tiny child would.

“Hyung,” he answers. “Can I come in?” There was a pause before the older tells him to come in.

When he came in, he was greeted with darkness, gradually illuminated by the light from the living room. It was enough for him to see the small figure crouched by the end of his bed, hugging his knees tight, his face flush against his kneecaps. It was enough for Johnny to whimper, feeling himself getting close to tears.

Taeil looks up, his face matted with tears, with many more following suit, falling one after the other, his eyes swollen and his face no longer a mask, but an accurate expression of the heart. “Was I too noisy?” he asks softly, hiccuping.

“No,” Johnny answers almost in a whisper. Taeil starts to frown deeply as his lower lips shake as if he’s going to cry again. He holds out his right arms and extends it towards Johnny.

Johnny promptly closes the door and reaches out to cup Taeil’s hand, moving closer to sit on the floor beside the older. He folds his legs and plops down, reaching out to wrap both his arms around the older’s neck. Another sob forces itself out of Taeil as he moves closer to the younger and buries his face against his chest.

“Why did I do it?” he asks in between his sobs. “I knew I had no chance, I knew it wasn’t gonna happen but I did it anyway,” Johnny hugs him tighter, stretching his long legs to Taeil’s sides, relaxing his thighs. With a more comfortable position, Taeil starts to wrap his own arms around Johnny’s arms and cries harder onto his shirt.

“I wish I had you there,” he says right after his tears subside. “You could have stopped me,” he pulls away and wipes his tears with his sleeves.

Johnny stays quiet and allows Taeil to calm down. “What happened?”

Taeil leans the back of his head against the bed and slowly turns it to face Johnny. “I confessed to him,” he said bitterly. “I confessed to Sicheng.”

Johnny’s immediate reaction was shock, then anger. “What did he do to you? What did he say to hurt you?”

Taeil smiles fondly and reaches out to him, motioning for him to sit closer. Taeil’s arm goes around his waist as he leans against the younger’s arm. “Nothing.”

“What do you mean, nothing?”

“He didn’t say anything mean, why are you even thinking that? You’ve been friends longer than we have, you know he wouldn’t.”

“But then, why?”

“He kind of scolded me. He asked me what I was trying to do, he asked me if I was going crazy. He asked me what I wanted to get from confessing to a boy who’s in a relationship,” he starts frowning again, but this time he doesn’t sob, a tear just falls from his eye and falls to Johnny’s arm. “And honestly, _what was I doing?_ What was I thinking? How can I tell a friend I was in love with him? Did I not have enough self-control? It just ruins everything.”

“It doesn’t have to,” Johnny finally supplies. “He’s still your friend, he still loves you, I’m sure. He may be a little confused and disappointed, but I’m sure he doesn’t hate you,” Johnny sighs, focusing on his advice to make sure he doesn’t say anything appropriate. “What if I did something similar as stupid, will you hate me?”

Taeil looks up from where he was leaning and looks at him straight in the eye. “No, of course not. You’re you, I love you, why would I?”

It was the first time Taeil had told him he loved him. Although it may be platonic and he meant it as a friend, he has still been waiting for him to say it for such a long time. “Exactly,” he smiles. “Sicheng doesn’t hate you. Just look for the perfect moment to apologize, and I assure you, he’s going to forget he was ever angry.”

“What did I ever do to deserve you?” Taeil moves forward and opens his arms, making Johnny sit closer and return it. He tears up, desperate if there was _anything_ that he could do to take another person’s pain, he would have done it. If he could reach into Taeil’s heart, take that pain away and bear it himself, he would have gladly done so. But there was nothing. So he just settles to hugging him, as tight as he could, hoping he could be relieved by just a tight hug.

  


\--

It was 3 am and Johnny is drifting off to sleep when his door creaks open. He instinctively cowers under the blanket and goes straight to praying as he pleads the ghost to leave him alone. “What the” Taeil’s voice pipes. Johnny comes out from the covers, and there actually was, Taeil in his pajamas, clutching a pillow around his arm. “Am I that scary?” he pouts, sending random shots to Johnny’s chest.

“No, no, no,” he sits up, noticing that Taeil’s eyes were still swollen. “You know me, a tiny sound can terrify me anytime,” he chuckles tiredly. “Did you need anything?”

“Oh yeah, about that,” the older tries to look away, awkward. “Can I sleep here tonight?” Johnny did find the request odd but it's not like they haven't fallen asleep beside each other from watching movies all the time in the past.

“Sure,” he readily agrees, moving over to the other side of the bed to give Taeil his own space. “Can’t sleep?” he asks as the older drags himself over to the opposite side and climbs up.

“Yeah,” he mumbles. “Maybe if you talked to me or read to me or sang to me, maybe I can fall asleep.”

Johnny smiles fondly, thinking about all those times they hung out on the balcony, where he sometimes reads Taeil some books, or he just talks his ears off, or where he just sings and Taeil slowly gets drowsy until he falls asleep on the recliner. “Is that okay?” Taeil adds.

“Of course, it is, hyung. Let me just get the book so we can continue where we left off.” Taeil settles into the bed comfortably, greeting all of Johnny’s plushies in the process.

“Good night, Jay. Good night, Buni. Good night, Blue,” he mumbles before burying his face against his pillow.

Johnny straightens up against his headboard and puts his glasses on, opening the book to where it was bookmarked, and starts reading. “Chapter Twelve,” Taeil closes his eyes comfortably, the top of his head pressed up against Johnny’s hip. The younger lowers his voice significantly, transforming it to the voice he uses when he was still a DJ for the campus radio, as he glides through the words melodiously.

_“Aren’t you sad, that I’m leaving?”_

_“Why would I be sad?”_

_He smiled and then, I don’t know, there was this look in his face and it was so hard to tell what he was thinking or feeling, which was strange because Dante’s face was a book that the whole world could read._

Johnny pauses as he feels Taeil moving beside him. One of his arms stretches forward, palms opening up and open, by instinct, Johnny cups his much bigger hand around it. The others’ hand is freezing cold and extremely soft, exposing its owners’ vulnerability.

“Do you feel cold?” Johnny inquired quietly. “Should I adjust the temperature for you?”

“Please,” came the quiet reply.

Even though he didn’t want to, he slowly let go of Taeil’s hand and set the book aside, padding out of the room to adjust the temperature. When he sinks and lies back into the bed, Taeil reaches for his hand again, holding it tightly. “Did I disturb you from doing anything important?”

“No,” he denies. He does have homework due the next day but it wasn’t due until the end of the day so he can just do it during his free time. Although he doesn’t want to admit that since it’s uncharacteristic for him to be unprepared. “Did you eat the food I left you?”

“I did drink some of the soup.”

“You should take care of your voice.”

He hums, sending vibrations through their connected hands as the older squeezes it tightly. “I should,” he finally answers after a while.

They have basked in silence again, but Johnny couldn’t find it in himself to sleep. It is now dawning on him that if he wants to keep Taeil in his life if he wants to keep protecting him, and if he wants to be there and make him happy, then he can never tell him how he feels. Usually, in movies, they always say they couldn’t take it anymore and risk everything through confessing--Taeil, did, too. But Johnny thinks he can’t do it. He’d be too scared of the implications. He’d be too scared of the consequences.

Right now, Taeil is just right beside him. Sure, he wants to be closer, he wants to be _more,_ he wants to openly show how much Taeil is so, so _loved,_ but he doesn’t want to risk pushing him away. He doesn’t want to be at arm’s length, he doesn’t want him to completely go--so this is enough.

As long as he still has him as a friend, as long as he can still protect him, and as long as he can still love him--that’s enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long ;A; i got so caught up in work but now the break is near maybe i can update regularly
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this chapter, sorry if it's kinda angsty but i really kinda want taeil go through an actual moving on as i don't want to rush it, johnny deserves more
> 
> please tell me what you think in the comments


	8. Chapter 7

The second production for Taeil’s musical, which was held twice a month, was in a few days, and he immediately got to his feet and focused on practice again. It was tricky and challenging for him at first since he saw Sicheng there every day, but turns out, it’s like Sicheng found a solution himself: he pretended like it didn’t even happen. According to Taeil, he just approached him and started talking to him as if he hasn’t seen Taeil in days and continued acting like he always does.

“I told you,” he told him then. “You won’t lose him as a friend.”

But he still wants to be there for Taeil and make sure that he distracts him. However, he does have exams and projects coming up so when he enters the theater hall, it was all but a quiet entrance as his extra bags which holds his notebooks, papers, as well as a plastic bag of honey juice continuously bumped against anything it came to contact with. Everyone from the troupe pauses to look at him, with Taeil stifling his giggle. Fortunately, everyone just smiles and goes back to what they were doing, even the director. He apologizes, anyway, and spots Yuta in one of the seats by the corner. His friend motions him over, as Johnny tries his best to navigate the seats without making another sound.

“Hey,” Yuta greets as soon as he sits down. “What are all these?” he looks at Johnny’s bags and studies him.

“Exams soon, you know.”

“It’s in three weeks,” Yuta looks at him weird, amused. “Why are you here, then?”

Johnny looks at him incredulously, “Moral support, of course.”

Yuta chuckles and pauses intently. “I heard your boy confessed to my boyfriend.”

Johnny frowns, “He’s not my boy,” he denies, hating how he sounds when he says it.

“Completely missing the point,” Yuta points out, smiling. “Don’t worry. I’m more worried about Taeil and how he reacted to what he did. I’m sure he didn’t treat himself kindly.”

Johnny frowns, remembering that night Taeil cried himself dry. “He didn’t.” 

“But you’re there, right?” Yuta now studies him, and as much as he’d like to deny it, he can see that pity in his friends’ eyes. Both Yuta and Taeyong, and even Ten, has attempted to set him up with so many people in the past, all to no avail. And it’s not like he didn’t _try_ to get over Taeil, he seriously made an effort. He’s even gone into a short relationship with one he really clicked with, but in the end, they both agreed it wasn’t working and they parted on very good terms. “You’re always there for him.” Yuta comments, “I just hope he falls in love with you because I don’t think you’d stop anytime soon. And I want you to be happy.”

Johnny smiles and offers his hand. Yuta quietly gives him a high five and a small pat on the head. “You’re the best, man.”

Yuta chuckles as he sits back and pulls his phone out and calls someone. Johnny looks on, confused at Yuta’s actions. “Taeyong,” he says into the receiver quietly, “Johnny just told me I’m the best, suck it, bitch-ass.” Then he hung up.

Johnny thinks he has the worst friends, but also the best friends ever.

The main cast had a break while the dancers were dismissed, and Yuta left with Sicheng. Taeil slowly made his way to him as Johnny stretched his arm over to hand him his honey juice. “Thanks,” he mutters and sits one seat away from Johnny as the other seat is filled with Johnny’s bags. “My throat condition isn’t that good so I really need this.”

“This is for your Director,” he hands him another one, the same flavor as the one he always brings for him. “I need more social capital.” Johnny chuckles, having noticed that his constant bringing of drinks, and sometimes even food for the entire cast has given him a positive impression, manifested by their tolerance when it comes to him.

“Don’t worry, they like you,” Taeil assures after taking a sip. “They think you’re my boyfriend,” he adds nonchalantly, making Johnny’s heart jump in a slight panic.

“I’ve told them we weren’t, though?” he clarifies.

“So have I,” he smiles. “They won’t believe it.”

“Well, we’re really close friends.” Johnny did hate saying it, but he has grown accustomed to it, especially since they aren’t going to be anything other than, anyway. Taeil opened his mouth to say something but he was suddenly interrupted when their director started clapping, calling them all back to the stage.”

“That’s my cue,” he grabs the drinks and takes them with him as he runs away to practice again. Johnny also takes that as his cue to open his books and write his notes. If he wanted to get started on Taeil’s notes early, then he’d better complete his own two weeks before the exam week. He sets his book in his lap and highlights the points that he wants to re-write. This is how he studies. Repetitive reading ensures that the information is retained so he reads through and highlights, after that, he re-reads to re-write again. It has been working so far as he is one of the highest ranking people in his department. He needs to do that, though, as he isn’t as smart as everyone else within his class and his main edge is hard work and diligence. He made sure not to join any extracurricular clubs to focus on his grades. He has classmates who are _so_ smart that they can even surpass him with minimal effort—if he stopped studying he’s sure his rank is going to plummet.

He usually listens to music when he studies but since he was surrounded by the production practice, he decided against his study playlist and focused on Taeil’s voice, instead. Their voices hit the walls and echoed throughout the room, allowing Johnny to concentrate on his work, smiling occasionally when Taeil hits a high note flawlessly. He concentrated so deeply that he didn’t even notice that the practice had finished.

“Hey,” Johnny jumped in his seat and almost dropped his pen when Taeil appeared in front of him. “Sorry.” The other apologized through his giggles. “I thought you knew we were done.”

“No, it’s fine,” Johnny waves it off, chuckling immediately after being startled. “Let’s go?” he shoves his book and notebook inside his bag, almost haphazardly, shooting upward when he stands. It’s almost comical how Taeil’s head snap upward when his eyes follow him.

“Let me just go change first,” he reaches up to pat Johnny’s head. “Let’s meet outside, okay?”

 

Johnny stands outside for a while, his extra bags by his foot, as he occasionally said bye to Taeil’s castmates. Their Director stops for a while to thank him for the drink before rushing off to his car. Doyoung stops soon after, asking him about his extra bags. 

“I need to start studying now,” he smiles sheepishly.

“You really are super diligent,” Doyoung comments, “Jaehyun has mentioned it to me.”

 _Ah, that’s right._ He and Jaehyun are friends. Jaehyun is the boy Taeyong set him up with and was his boyfriend for a few months before they decided to break up. He was kind of sure Jaehyun broke up with him because of Doyoung but according to Taeyong, Jaehyun has had no other relationships after him. “How is he?”

 “He’s fine,” Doyoung smiles, almost too fondly. “College is killing him… well, it’s killing all of us,” he casually adds. “But otherwise fine.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Johnny comments genuinely. “I hope you both be happy,” he smiles. “Together.” And there’s no denying the others’ smile, confirming what he was thinking.

“I _really_ hope so,” Doyoung nods. At that moment, Taeil starts to approach them, so Doyoung decides to go ahead.

“Tell Jaehyun I wanted to say hi.”

“Sure,” Doyoung smiles. “Bye, Johnny! Bye, Taeil!” he waves before sauntering off to his car.

 As soon as he drove away, Taeil picks up one of his extra bags and starts walking. Johnny thanks him quietly, picking up the remaining bag and it took only a few steps for him to catch up. “Where do you want to have dinner?” he asks.

Taeil considers it for a while, humming to himself while he thinks. Johnny smiled as soon as he recognized the song, it was a Troye Sivan song that he suggested to him, and apparently, the older liked it as he had started singing it constantly as well as other songs from the album. When the humming had arrived at the chorus, Johnny decides to join in.

 _“I want you to color me blue,”_ he sings along to the humming, surprising Taeil, but he smiles and continues humming anyway. _“Anything it takes to make you stay; only seeing myself when I’m looking up at you.”_ Taeil stops humming and stops in his tracks, forcing Johnny to a screeching halt as he stops, too. “I want barbeque,” he suddenly decides.

They continue walking, but now with a definite direction and they fall into silence again. “You should really teach me that chorus some time,” Taeil suddenly says. “I’ve always wanted to sing it but I couldn’t pronounce it properly to save my life,” he complains animatedly. “Maybe we can sing that together when I learn it.”

Johnny imagines it and is filled with unexplained emotions, smiling to himself. “That may be nice,” he comments. As the night wore on, they talked like they haven’t talked before. In the previous months, Johnny has had to tiptoe around topics, making sure that they didn’t have to come across topics that made Taeil sad or awkward. He also wasn’t acting quite himself, which, considering his heartbreak, academic frustration, and tight schedule, was completely understandable. Tonight, however, Taeil was almost back to his usual self: goofy, talkative, and innocently hilarious. He has even boasted about his exercise regime again.

“I did like, 50 sit-ups today,” he shrugs like it was no big deal.

“Really?” Johnny teases. “How come I haven’t seen you do it?”

“I,” he pauses, “Do it in my room.”

“I should go and count for you next time,” he grins, amused at catching Taeil off-guard.

Their conversations flowed more casually as they helped themselves with pork barbeque good enough for six people. Most of their conversation revolved around the production, ongoing gossip between two of their cast members, update about Ten and Taeyong’s relationship problems (re: holding farts in front of each other because after a year of living together they still aren’t in that “level” yet, and the upcoming exams.

“Jaehyun,” Taeil suddenly interjects, his mouth full with perilla leaves. “He’s that boy you dated, right?”

Johnny looks up, confused at the sudden interest. The entire time he and Jaehyun were dating, Taeil never spoke to him about it, but he thinks it just because Taeil respects his privacy, and he has never been the type of person who pried about other people’s lives if they didn’t offer the information or open up first.

“Yeah,” he nods.

“Why do you sound so surprised?” Taeil chuckles and pushes Johnny’s chopsticks away, which had hovered over a good piece of meat, and takes the meat himself. 

“You’ve never asked about him before, that’s all.”

“I didn’t want to pry,” he explains, confirming Johnny’s thoughts. “But now that you’ve broken up, it was kind of long ago, it’s fine to talk about, right?”

“Yeah,” he nods tentatively, searching himself for any signs that he may be uncomfortable with it, since he’s never explored if he was, before. “I think so. Besides, it wasn’t that serious, he’s kinda in love with Doyoung and took advantage of the fact that we clicked so nicely,” he explains, but Taeil was gaping, unbelieving. “Don’t judge. I wasn’t that serious about it, either, I also just took advantage of the mental agreement.”

“No,” Taeil waves off, still gaping, “I don’t care about that,” he chuckles. “Did you say he’s in love with Doyoung?”

“I’m kinda sure he is,” Johnny nods, amused at Taeil’s reaction, which went from shocked to elated. “He talked about him nonstop, even when he was supposed to be _my_ boyfriend,” Johnny pretends to pout, which decreases Taeil’s elation but didn’t stop him from smiling.

“Doyoung is kinda in love with him, too,” Taeil reveals, but it’s not like Johnny doesn’t know.

“Yeah, I think so, too,” he agrees, much to Taeil’s surprise. “Doyoung kinda openly disliked me when we were dating.”

Taeil munches quietly after it, as if in thought. “You said Jaehyun just kind of got into the relationship to kind of get over Doyoung…”

“Kind of,” Johnny jokes, annoying the older.

“So, why did you?” 

 _Oh no._ Johnny’s heart instantly beat so much harder; he can feel each beat against his temple, his entire body going into overdrive. He didn’t notice that the remark would be noticed, as he had made it so casually. He scanned his brain for any other reason, but he couldn’t come up with one without being suspicious.

“Same,” he answers quickly, but vaguely.

“What do you mean, same?”

“Same, like, I didn’t take it seriously, either,” He almost exhaled out loud when the server came with another batch of drinks, sure that if Taeil asked more, he would run out of lies. He’s never been a good liar, he never figures out feasible solutions soon enough, and he doesn’t really have the imagination to pull it off. Fortunately, because of the arrival of the drinks, Taeil quickly moves on to another topic and talks about his preferred drinks on different types of meat.

It wasn’t easy to get them home quickly considering that they were both intoxicated. Before they could hail a cab, Taeil already started getting distracted by a standee, and even held a pretty decent conversation with the said standee, politely disagreeing with it.

“You see, Mr. Jungwoo,” he hiccups, “I don’t think communism is all that bad.” He pauses and nods as if the standee of the celebrity was talking to him. “I would politely disagree, I think most of the negative aura around communism is perpetuated by the capitalist-supported media,” Johnny tried so hard not to laugh, but a taxi pulled up right at that moment, and he had to pull Taeil away before he got physical with the standee.

“It seems like things got heated with that man,” Johnny whispers, trying to coax Taeil into his drunken political rants.

“I hate close-minded people,” he grits out as if he was actually furious. “He wasn’t even considering my points!” he sits up straight, alerting the driver.

“Don’t worry, he’s just mumbling nonsense,” Johnny mutters, reassuring the driver. 

“I _don’t_ think communism will work in South Korea for now,” he clarifies, stumbling over his words. “We’re too entrenched in capitalist values, we’re in too deep,” he hiccups again. “But that doesn’t mean communism can’t work somewhere else. It’s a valid political ideology with feasible means, resources, and systems, how can it not? I think we should _at least_ consider that it isn’t evil, you know?” he suddenly faces Johnny, who has been filming him quietly the entire time.

“Yeah, totally,” he agrees, even though he has not completely paid attention to what he was saying.

“Thank you!” he throws his hands up in the air and shrugs, leaning back on his seat.

 

 

The second half of Johnny’s struggle came when one of the roads leading to their apartment was closed for the night for some night construction and the taxi can no longer go further and had to stop about a block away. He only looked away to close the door and Taeil had already run off to talk to a stray cat. “You look like Jeno,” he comments. “I bet Jeno would love you,” he extends his arms as an attempt to take the cat, but Johnny managed to pull him away just in time.

He suddenly turns to Johnny, pouting, as if he knew Johnny was weak against it. “Hyung,” he frowns as he struggles with himself. “We can get Jeno another cat next time,” he reassures, hoping he doesn’t remember this in the morning. “I think that one has an owner,” Taeil says bye to the cat and frowns, muttering about how he should buy a really cute cat for Jeno’s birthday since it isn’t so far away.

To make sure he doesn’t run away and get himself hurt, Johnny holds Taeil by his waist, keeping him glued to him for the entire walk. Taeil got distracted occasionally but was still tired and drunk, so eventually, he loosened up and leaned most of his body against Johnny, causing him to be almost dragged all the way home. 

“Am I not heavy?” he slurs.

“No,” Johnny shakes his head. “Your weight actually kind of worries me.” He says honestly since he can just chalk it up to alcohol in case Taeil remembers.

“I have to follow the diet, though,” Taeil frowns. People think theater actors don’t have bad just because they’re less exposed compared to celebrities, but people were ruthless and still constantly criticized them for simply having healthy bodies. Taeil has had to follow diets every time the production is ongoing. “At least I still get to eat meat sometimes,” he nudges Johnny using his shoulder as if reminding him that they just had a lot to eat that night.

“Well,” he shrugs, turning the corner to the apartment building. “As long as you think you’re still eating healthy, I’m okay with it.” he guides the older to the front door, and to his bedroom door. “We’re here, hyung,” he whispers when they stop outside his door, but Taeil presses his face against Johnny’s chest, wrapping his arms around his waist. Johnny slowly leans down and presses his face against the top of Taeil’s head. “Aren’t you sleepy?” he asks almost too quietly, so quiet that he’s sure that Taeil was the only being who heard it.

“I am,” he answers against his chest. Johnny settles into the hug, wrapping on arm around Taeil’s neck while the other settled on the back of the older’s head, patting it gently and hugging him tighter. “Then you should go to sleep now,” he mumbled against Taeil’s head, smelling his shampoo, which is ultimately too recognizable and familiar to him, sending a dull pang against his chest.

“I should, right?” he loosens his grip around Johnny, and slowly moves away, but he didn’t completely let go, as he still had his arms around him. Johnny assesses their position, and to be honest, it’s almost too intimate for him to handle, like a single advance forward in intimacy would force him to back away and rethink his actions, especially since he still has his hands around Taeil.

The older smiles softly up at him and moves his arms around his head, his thumbs massaging Johnny’s temples softly, relaxing his scrunched expression. “Kind, gentle, and perfect, Johnny.” Taeil whispers but slurs, allowing the younger to relax against him, eyelashes gently fluttering close. “You deserve the world,” he continues, “And more.” Taeil then tiptoes, leans into him, and gently presses his lips against Johnny’s left temple. “You should rest,” he reminds, his words obviously had weight and didn’t only mean “for the night”. He is quite sure Taeil knows he’s been studying in advance to accommodate his notes, and although he doesn’t want Johnny to be exhausted, he still knew he needed them. Johnny knew Taeil meant, in general. “You always try so hard.”

Johnny nods and assures him before completely pulling away, gently pushing Taeil away towards his room, “Good night.”

“Good night,” Taeil smiles before turning around and going into his room.

 Johnny sighs and tries to compose himself; he should start thinking twice before getting Taeil drunk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!! 
> 
> pls enjoy my sleepless update, i'm pretty sure these have mistakes, i'll edit it as soon as possible
> 
>  
> 
> thank you so much for taking the time to read!!!


	9. Chapter 8

Their last examination before the winter break just finished and Johnny thinks his brain can’t take anymore as he melts into the nearest wall, and groans so loudly that everyone around him turns to look. He earned no judging stares, however, as everyone is all suffering, and tired, and sleep-deprived. One guy passed by him as he melts and muttered “same” before going away. Ten and Taeyong were following after him, sporting their own dark circles and dragging postures.

“I’m so fucking done,” Ten grumbles while dragging Johnny by the arm and tried to pry him off the cool wall. “I’m just so ready for winter break so I can sleep for 3 years.”

Johnny follows him and Taeyong as they try to drag their legs to the fourth-floor lounge where they promised the others to meet for dinner before some of them go home for the break. It was 3 in the afternoon and Johnny feels the exhaustion from his brain.

“We need to drink,” Taeyong suggests, smirk marking his features highlighted and more mischievous because of his flaming red hair. “I think that what Yuta want to suggest anyway.”

Johnny’s head felt super out of it and he thinks drinks with his friends would relieve it. He manages to croak out, “true” before slumping against one of the couches by the always deserted couch. He tries to close his eyes but he didn’t want to fall asleep, but when he opened to talk to the two who sat across him, Taeyong’s head had already found solace against Ten’s neck and is very visibly peppering kisses against his skin. The groans and pretends to gag as Ten himself tries to pry his boyfriend’s arms away from him, but Taeyong insisted and kept on hugging him anyway. “I’m so excited to meet your mom.” Johnny heard Taeyong whisper.

Johnny’s eyes raise and he looks at Ten.

“He’s coming home with me,” he makes a face but he couldn’t stop the edges of his lips from turning up.

“That’s a big step,” Johnny comments, trying to hide the tiny envy he has for his friends’ steady and obviously progressing relationship.

Taeyong groans and hugs Ten tighter, “Don’t remind me.”

“I bet they’re even going to love you more than Ten,” he jokes but Ten sincerely nods as if he honestly believes that.

He leaves the lovebirds alone, slumping back to his seat, sighing in the process. It wasn’t long before Sicheng and Yuta rushed to the lounge, looking much better than the three. “Damn, what happened to you?” he looked back at them as he rummaged his pocket for some change as he approached the vending machine. Sicheng followed him, pointing to some green canned soda before approaching Taeyong to pat his head.

“Sicheng,” Taeyong pouted, letting go of Ten to transfer to him. Ten was relieved but the stress was apparently transferred to the younger as Taeyong starts force hugging him again.

Ten looks around and counts them one by one, “We’re just waiting for Taeil hyung.”

As soon as he said it, a small figure comes running up the stairs, yelling “I’m here! I’m here,” laughing to himself and immediately crashing onto the couch next to Johnny.

“What’s up with you?” Johnny turns to him, focusing on his giggly face at that moment.

“Nothing,” he smiles. “It’s the first exam where I thought I _really_ did well.”

Johnny smiles, mentally patting himself on the back for thinking of completing Taeil’s notes more than a week early to give him the time to study. It was an additional effort, sure, but it’s not like rewriting completely took his time, it even allowed him to review topics from subjects he shared with the older boy.

“Ok so,” Yuta sits down on one of the stools, handing Sicheng his beverage. “We all know I’m flying back to Japan in a few days and I haven’t packed yet so this is the only night I have vacant. What do you say about dinner then beer?” he looked around the mentally exhausted bunch and raised his brows, anticipating.

“Ten, Taeyong, and I had already agreed beforehand, so yeah,” Johnny nods then turns to Taeil. He only had a slight idea of how he was when he’s drunk and everyone relies on him to make the night better, and after Johnny sent them the video of him ranting about Communism, everyone else is much more excited about seeing drunk Taeil live in action again.

Taeil looked kind of apprehensive; Johnny thinks it’s more because of the fact that he didn’t want to be drunk and uninhibited in front of Sicheng. “It’s okay, I’ll stop you from saying anything inappropriate,” Johnny assures, although with the motive of just letting him do anything aside from doing anything he’d regret the next day.

Taeil smiles at him gratefully. “You better drink less, then,” he shoots back before turning to the rest. “Okay, I’ll come.”

Yuta shoots up from his seat, still super energetic, urging everyone else to follow him to his favorite barbeque place. Most of them begrudgingly stand slowly but Taeyong took a little coaxing, “What is he so hyper for?” he grumbles while Ten pulls him up with both hands. “We better go hard tonight; I wanna go straight to sleep.”

“Oh, baby. You never go to sleep right away, you torment me first. Please don’t,” Ten wraps his arms around him and sways him affectionately. Yuta has also wrestled Sicheng for his hand and he currently has it on the tightest hold possible. Taeil and Johnny stood behind everyone else, and as he observes this all going on, and apparently Taeil has been, too, and when they accidentally met eyes, they immediately look away from each other, as if those looks burned them.

 

The barbeque place was the same one he and Taeil visited the other month when he argued with a standee of a singer about Communism and almost took a cat home for Jeno. This time, however, they choose a much more secluded location and much bigger arrangement. They choose their seats and Taeil quietly follows to take the seat beside him, “It’ll be easier to stop me this way,” he chuckles nervously.

 

If there was one thing that Johnny wanted to commend Taeil for, it was the fact that he was successfully dealing with Sicheng and Yuta with ease, almost as if the entire confession fiasco didn’t happen, and even more, it sometimes doesn’t even seem like he has ever harbored any feelings for Sicheng and as if his entire world broke down when he got into a relationship with Yuta. But then again, for more than a year, he did successfully hide that fact from everyone else. Well, maybe except for Johnny. Tonight, however, he is acting much better than he did.

The conversation was lively the entire night; it started out casual like winter break plans, where everyone cheered when Johnny informed them they’d be going to Japan for three weeks.

“You can finally experience it, hyung,” Sicheng quietly congratulates Taeil, and for the first time that night, his act seemed to falter a little.

The more they ate and drank, the wider their topics went. They started with reminiscing their childhoods, and started comparing countries, especially since the people around the table came from 5 different countries.

“Of course, we wear shorts, we have different _climates,_ ” Ten argues when Taeil commented about Thai uniforms.

“Peaceful revolutions aren’t always effective, you’d be taking a lot of risks,” he remembers Yuta insist when they came into the topic of government and was even in a heated argument with his boyfriend about their harsh histories. Considering that all of them have not had drinks in quite a while, it was no longer a surprise that it didn't take long before their words became more slurred and the singing became louder and louder. Most of them had decent and pretty voices, but nothing stood out most, not just to Johnny, but to anyone who listened, other than Taeil’s smooth tenor voice, hidden under the boisterous drunk singing of the others.

“Xuxi,” he leaned onto Johnny, muttering the name of one of the high school boys they were very fond of. “His birthday is near. Should we get him something for his birthday?”

Sicheng suddenly leaned forward, frowning. “Xuxi,” he whispered. “It’s almost his birthday. Small Xuxi,” he added the last one with a frown. Johnny isn’t sure if they’re referring to the same Xuxi as that boy is _definitely not_ small. Sicheng pulls back and grabs Yuta’s face, making his unfocused vision clearer. “It’s Xuxi’s birthday soon.” For some unknown reason, Yuta starts crying quietly, hugging Sicheng who eventually started crying, himself. “Xuxi,” he whispered against his boyfriend’s shoulder. Although he’s seen Taeil do weirder shit when he was hammered, Johnny has never had to deal with so many weird shit all at once.

Fortunately, Taeyong seemed completely out of it and Ten’s biology seemed to force itself to sober up so he can take care of his boyfriend and they both weren’t making noise as they just whispered to each other quietly. “I wanna learn how to knit,” Taeil suddenly whispers in his ear, just as he takes Johnny’s hand in his and compares the sizes. “Do you like oven mitts?”

“Uhh,” he did not know how to respond to that. “They’re useful, I guess.”

Taeil looks up and studies him, releases his hand and wraps his much shorter fingers around Johnny’s neck. “Do you like scarves?”

“Why? Do you plan to make me one? Or do you just have your hand there because you’re finally killing me?” he jokes, but instead of laughing, Taeil just releases his neck and wraps his arms around him, hugging him. “I’m measuring your scarf size.”

Although he’s loving the feeling of Taeil’s erratic heartbeat against his chest, and his soft skin as Taeil sways to the beat of the song that Yuta keeps on singing, he is genuinely wondering what is going on. “How are you supposed to know?” he inquires.

“I can knit a scarf and hug it,” he hugs him tighter, “That way it fits you perfectly.”

Johnny knows it doesn’t make sense, but Taeil is drunk, and he isn’t supposed to make so much sense, anyway. Johnny wanted to hug him back but Taeil suddenly let him go.

“Or,” the older’s eyes widen as if he’s had a brilliant idea. “I can make myself a scarf and I can spray it with your fabric conditioner or your perfume… or your shampoo.”

Even though Johnny’s mind was also muddled, he has had the least to drink so he’s sure he didn’t mishear Taeil statement, which, if he wasn’t in love with him, was borderline creepy. “Why?” the word summed up all of the thoughts running wild through his mind at that moment.

“Because I like scarves, they’re warm,” he explains matter-of-factly.

“No,” Johnny chuckles for a reason he can’t fathom. “Why would you need my fabric conditioner, perfume, or shampoo for it?”

“Because I like how they smell,” he responds honestly, taking another shot of soju. “Specifically, I like how you smell.”

Usually, which meant if he was sober, Johnny would have left the topic alone, thinking that _Taeil must really like the products I use, I should give him a list sometime,_ but this Johnny, tipsy, careless, and reckless, decided to push it. “How do I smell?” he caught a glimpse of Ten judging them from across the table.

“You smell warm,” he closes his eyes and leans back. “I can envision blankets, a bed, and it’s raining outside, but I’m cocooned in a thick blanket and I’m warm from the inside out,” he stops, then slowly opened his eyes, turning to Johnny. “Maybe because those are what I smell when you hug me. I don’t know,” he shrugs. “I know it sounds weird.”

Johnny shakes his head, even though he was just thinking that exact thing a while ago.

 

They all took cabs home and fortunately, construction had already been done and Taeil and Johnny were taken directly in front of the apartment. Taeil mumbled that he’s super sleepy and slid straight to his room (and by slid it means he ran across the hall in his socks and did a weird slide, almost hitting his bedroom door). Johnny also decided to take a shower to get rid of the smell of alcohol, change into his most comfortable pajamas before slipping under the covers. Right before he falls asleep, he sniffs himself, trying to take a whiff of how his fabric conditioner smells like.

 

_Taeil sat at their darkened living room, but there was something weird about it as if every piece of furniture was moved a few inches to the left or something. The light was ominous and Johnny sat across him, deathly still._

_“Johnny?” he tries to call out, but the younger wouldn’t budge. Suddenly, he started hearing footsteps all around him, but nobody was there. The curtains flung wildly as the wind grew stronger around them—Taeil’s heart hammered against his chest, and he tried to make Johnny notice but the other isn’t budging and just had his head down the entire time. “Johnny?” he asked again, urgency palpable in his voice._

_Johnny suddenly looks up, surprising him, but he wasn’t Johnny exactly. There was something wrong about him, just like everything else in the room. “Yes, hyung?” he asked, but it wasn’t the usual expression he has in his face. He looked too pale, and his hair looked too dark in contrast. However, it was still his Johnny. Gentle, pure, kind, lovely, Johnny. So he decided to reach out to the other, trying to look for the warmth which was always there._

_But he wasn’t warm, not at all._

_Johnny pulled him forward, slowly wrapping his cold skin around him, shushing him. “It’s going to be okay,” his voice comforts, but there was nothing comforting laced with it at all._

_“Johnny?” despite the chaos around him, he is much more alarmed by the change in the younger boy. “Are you okay?”_

_“I’m okay, hyung.” Slowly, Johnny leans forward and buries his nose in the spot under his ear. There was a nagging feeling at the back of his head that if this was normal Johnny, he wouldn’t have minded at all, in fact, he would actually even be tempted to lean against him if it felt like him, however, it didn’t, and all this is doing is freak him out even more._

_His fears materialize when Johnny tightens his grip around him, trapping him between his arms, as sets of sharp teeth sink against his skin, burning and excruciating. He screamed, but nothing came out, his voice hoarse and useless._

 

And then he shot up, awake and panting.

“What the fuck,” are the first words that came out of his mouth, trying to clarify within himself that he was alright, it was only just a dream. He tries to calm down through listening to his own heartbeat slowly getting steadier, and through trying to focus on his own breathing. However, his mind and skin are still agitated, as if he couldn’t claw the idea of Johnny hurting him away, it was like his mind rejected and dejected it all together.

After mulling for a while, he picked up Buni, another one of Johnny’s plushies that he usually borrowed, and padded over to the next room. He felt bad about waking the younger up, but he knew that sleep wouldn’t come easy, as his dream had rattled him too much. Johnny was fast asleep, and Taeil looked over him for a while to look at his peaceful sleeping face, repeatedly reassuring himself that _this_ is the real Johnny, _this_ is the Johnny who would never, even if you paid him so much money, would hurt him, even in the slightest.

He sat down by the edge of the bed, and seeing that it didn’t wake Johnny up, he slowly slipped under the covers and settled onto the open space beside him. It wasn’t long before the other stirred awake, however.

“Hyung? Are you okay?” this time, the question did finally sound like genuine worry and care, and he sinks against the bed comfortably, knowing Johnny is just right beside him.

“Bad dream,” he explains, turning around to face Johnny. He raises his arms and onto Johnny’s face, pulling up both of his lips to force him to show his teeth.

“What are you doing?” he tries to grit out through Taeil’s forcing.

“Just checking.” The teeth were clear, and so he moved his hands onto his face, caressing it gently. The warm skin under his fingertips comfort him so much and filled him with so much relief that he doesn’t even want to attempt to analyze it.  “Can I sleep beside you?” he knew what the answer would be, but he made sure to ask anyway.

“Of course,” Johnny whispers, trying his best not to talk directly in Taeil’s face, who has moved so much closer and is slowly moving to rest his face on his neck, inhaling slightly.

“ _This_ is Johnny,” he murmurs, before wrapping his arms around Johnny’s waist, and relaxing against him, and then finally quickly falling onto sleep.

He is trying to evaluate the situation, and with much consideration, he has mildly concluded that Taeil is still kind of drunk, and he should just let him be, and maybe he wouldn’t even remember this all in the morning. He had no idea why Taeil has to clarify that it was him, or why he tried to check his skin, and the smell of his clothes, but the pounding in his chest is still unmistakable, and he thinks he might be in some deeper trouble by now—and he might have even dug his own grave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is more unedited, i will be checking this and edit this later


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finally got out of the signal-less hell hole and i'm back to work mode!!! this means my writing schedule may be continuously erratic, but i will still try my best to update AT LEAST once a week

Johnny stood outside in the freezing temperature as he waited for Taeil to arrive. It was the day of the final production and Taeil had gone so all out that he still hasn’t prepared for their Japan trip , as excited as he is. Taeil was supposed to be there by 3, but Johnny had been quite early. What he didn’t expect, however, was for the building to be closed, with nowhere for him to seek shelter from. He had called Taeil and he told him he had a key, and that he was coming. Johnny continued to shiver, therefore, for a few more minutes.    
  
“Johnny?” He turned around hastily, finding an equally cold Jaehyun behind him.   
  
“Jaehyun, hi!” He beamed (as his teeth clattered) genuinely glad to see the other boy. “Oh my God, it’s so cold, come here, come here.” He invites the other boy under the tiny spot where he could be shielded by the snow.    
  
“Holy cow. What are you doing here?”   
  
“Waiting for the theater to open.” He explains, pointing at the locked door.    
  
“It isn’t until 7.” Ah yes, of course. Jaehyun would know about the production schedule.    
  
“Yeah, but I’m supposed to help Taeil with his lines and I have his drink,” he motioned to the thermos of honey lemon water which he had hugged, although it did nothing to keep him warm. “Are you supporting tonight?”   
  
The other boy blushed unknowingly, smiling a little. “Yeah, I am.” He nodded, peeking at Johnny through his bangs. Johnny gives him a knowing smile.    
  
“You know, huh?”   
  
“I’ve always kind of known.”   
  
“How?”   
  
“Well number one,” Jaehyun laughs, not expecting it to be enumerated. “You talked about him nonstop, Doyoung this, Doyoung that, I wish Doyoung could see this, I wish Doyoung was here...” Jaehyun smiled guiltily. “Second,” Johnny continues. “It felt like no one else existed when he’s in your world. It sometimes felt like you have your own world, but when Doyoung comes along, you take your own world and bring it over to his.”   
  
“It was that bad?” Jaehyun asked innocently, although he looked like he liked how Johnny described him with Doyoung. Johnny laughs good-naturedly and nods.    
  
“Plus,” he adds. “He super duper hated me when we were dating. He would glare at me all the damn time. I thought, “ah, maybe Doyoung didn’t just like me as a person”, but then we broke up, and he became so nice I couldn’t even recognize him without all the glaring. A then it clicked—he’s in love with you.” Johnny went rambling, not realizing the transformation of Jaehyun expressions. “What’s wrong with you?”   
  
“D-Doyoung... is in love with me?” Oh my fucking God, he didn’t fucking know.    
  
“Uhhhh,” he answered dumbly. “That’s what I think, at least.” He attempts, and fortunately, Jaehyun seemed to accept that it was just an opinion. “But seriously, you should shoot your shot,” he suggests, knowing that Jaehyun would not fail. Not with this one.    
  
“I’m scared,” he admits. “We’re friends and I can’t just drive in that direction blindly.”   
  
“Not with this one, Jaehyun,” Johnny wraps an arm around his shoulder, in the guise of comforting him, but actually looking for something warm to hold onto. “Doyoung is in the passenger seat and he won’t let you crash.” Jaehyun smiles, appreciative of the advice. “Thank you,” he smiles, before reaching inside his coat to hand Johnny a hot pack.    
  
“I will think about it,” Johnny let him go as he stepped away. “I’ll let you know how it goes... if I do pursue it.”   
  
“Please,” Johnny smiles, waving at his retreating back. He clutches the hot pack comfortably but almost dropping it when Taeil was suddenly behind him. “What the fuck!” He exclaimed when he caught the hot pack and clutched his heart as it beat so loudly against his chest. “You should stop appearing like that, you’re going to give me a heart attack.”   
  
Taeil looked like he was going to retort something but he held back, and apologized. “Sorry,” he giggled, the sound music to Johnny’s ears. “And I’m sorry I kept you waiting.” He mumbled as he quickly tried to unlock the door.    
  
“It’s fine,” he assured, relief flooding his face when they stepped into the warm hall. Taeil starts walking to the backstage, Johnny tight on his trail. He hands him the thermos, and he accept it gratefully. “Thank you so much,” he exhaled, “I don’t know what I’d be without you.”   
  
“Homeless, that’s for sure.” He joked, attempting to help with Taeil’s obvious nerves. Taeil laughs out loud, playfully hitting him in the arm, sending Johnny a few feet back. It didn’t look like it but Taeil was actually one of the few people who is strong enough to push him around.    
  
Taeil offered him a seat as they arrived backstage, lights still off and Johnny tried to feel around for any place he could put his bag. “That was Jaehyun, right?” Taeil suddenly asked him in the darkness.    
  
“Yeah, it was.” Johnny nodded, although he was sure the other could not see him.    
  
“I’d almost forgotten how good-looking he is,” he commented.    
  
“Yeah,” Johnny simply agreed, unsure about how to respond to the comment. “He is very.”   
  
“You still seem close, though.” Taeil finally found the switch and turned the lights on. Johnny squinted in the sudden invasion, and he struggles to adjust to the light.    
  
“Yeah, the breakup was very...” he struggled to find the right word to use. It wasn’t necessarily friendly since it was still kind of awkward, but it wasn’t completely awkward and was agreed upon wholly by both sides. “Amicable.” He finally settled. “But 

we’re not close, per se. We don’t keep in touch regularly, if that is what you’d qualify as close, but we are very civil and we still interact nicely when we meet.”   
  
Taeil nodded, lips pursed as if unsure of Johnny’s response. “He is very likable.” He said with finality, and seemed to finally satisfied Taeil.    
  
“I bet he still likes you.” Taeil suggests with a hint of a playful tone.   
  
“Nah,” he denies, but adds no further, learning from revealing Doyoung earlier.    
  
“And I also think he still likes you.”   
  
Johnny had no opportunity to respond as Taeil had left the room to retrieve something. If there was something he could conclude after the conversation, it was that Taeil is a terrible observer when it came to who liked who.    
  
  


 

Johnny had been packing, with Taeil quietly watching him from his study chair. He fiddles with a Rubix Cube as his eyes follow Johnny around while he goes back and forth from his widely opened closet and his luggage opened on the floor. 

 

“What’s up?” Johnny finally turns to him while he knelt on the ground in front of his things, desperately trying to make sense of the mess he has made.

 

“You’re so tall,” Taeil commented quietly, and once again raked his eyes all over him, not without malice, of course, but more of curious wonder. 

 

“Uhhhh,” Johnny looked down at his own length and nodded. “I think we might have established that.”

 

“And your eyes…” he sprang up from where he sat and sat in front of him on the floor, “They’re kinda weird.” Johnny scratches at his eyes consciously, wondering how Taeil would consider his eyes weird.

 

“No, no!” Taeil leans over to pull Johnny’s hands from his eyes, “I didn’t mean it in a mean way.” he chuckled and let go of his hand. “They’re… I don’t know. It’s different from other people’s eyes, I don’t exactly know why.”

 

“Jaehyun told me once that they were kind of… well,  _ slightly  _ bit lighter than normal brown eyes.”

 

“Oh  _ Jaehyun, _ ” he raised an eyebrow at him and teased him. “Have you ever thought of getting back with him?”

 

Johnny turned to him, frustrated about the fact that he can’t clarify why  _ that can’t possible.  _ How is he supposed to say: first of all, he’s in love with Doyoung, second of all, I’m in love with you? So he just shook his head and laughed it off, throwing Taeil one of his shirts which the other caught and started folding. “I’d prefer it if you helped me pack rather than make speculations about my love life, sir,” he joked.

 

“So there  _ is  _ a love life,” Taeil teased again which caused Johnny to throw him another one of his clothes at him, giggling.

 

“There  _ isn’t!  _ Why are you being like this,” he mumbled the second part, dumping his shirt into the folded pile.

 

“Well, this is the first time I’m actually seeing you, I’m so used to having to look up at you that I haven’t looked at you fully before. Looking at you now, I honestly think that you can get any boy you like,” he commented quietly.

 

Johnny looked down at his hands, smiling sadly. “Any boy?”

 

Taeil didn’t even miss a beat, “Any boy.”

 

He turns to him, frowning a little. “Not any boy,”  _ Not you.  _ He pretends to focus on folding the sleeves of his sweater as he tries to avoid Taeil’s eyes. “Well, I’m not exactly gonna be everybody’s type, am I?”

 

Taeil considers for a while, humming. “Some boys may think you’re too tall, but I think that’s it.”

 

Johnny tried so hard not take the compliments too seriously, “I’m weird, hyung, haven’t you noticed?”

 

“Well, you’re not the annoying type of weird,” he clarified. “You’re the goofy type. Besides, why would people mind if you’re weird for you’re like… nice,” Johnny grinned, not because of the attention the other boy has been giving him but because he suddenly started comparing sober Taeil and drunk Taeil, concluding that his drunk version is much more articulate and expressive.

 

“Well, I don’t know,” he shrugged. He didn’t know how to explain it, of course, it’s not like he’s not had prospectives before and it’s not like he has never been in a relationship. Jaehyun, himself, is one of the examples that he’s not exactly allergic to committing. But every single time, it just never felt right--even counting those he met before Taeil. “It doesn’t feel right, yet,” he finally settles. 

 

Taeil looked over him, pursing his lips. “ You’re a romantic, Johnny,”

 

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I think so, too.”

  
  


Yuta and Taeyong helped him finish up packing like a doting mother and father who are terrified of him leaving even just a handkerchief behind. “Stop fussing,” he smacked Taeyong’s hand away from his bag of chargers, shooing him away from his luggage in general. “As you may have noticed, I’m not from here, so I am very used to traveling, thank you.”

 

“But,” Taeyong complained, looking around and lowered his voice considerably. “You might get laid.” Johnny smacked him again, but this time, he smacked him in the head with the hanger he had in his hand. “Next time it’s the shoes,” he jokingly threatened.

 

“You never know,” Taeyong whispered, immediately running away from Johnny’s reach when he reaches for the flat iron. “You said  _ shoes! _ ” Johnny aimed at him, utterly reminiscent of the  _ i won’t hesitate, bitch  _ vine. 

 

Yuta walked calmly past the two, adding padded gloves onto Johnny’s luggage. “You should bring more of these, you won’t want to use just two gloves for the two weeks,” he muttered, calming the two. Johnny lowered the iron onto the bed, and accepts the gloves, muttering a thank you. Yuta turns to Taeyong, “This is why I’m the best, bitch.”

 

Taeyong ignored him and flailed around the bed. “What do you plan to do in Japan, anyway?”

 

“Relax, look around, shop, then maybe ski a little, visit onsens, too, if the weather is nice enough for it.”

 

Yuta smiles slyly, away from his usual supportive expression. “That’s the Christmas Spirit.” he says innocently, but Johnny felt like the statement is loaded.

 

“What is that supposed to mean?”

 

“Well, you know, it’s Christmas. In Japan.”

 

Johnny got genuinely confused, not knowing why it’s supposed to mean anything. “Well Christmas Eve is kind of a couple’s event in Japan, you knew that, right?”

 

Johnny froze, looking straight at Taeyong with widened eyes.

 

“I swear I thought you did that on purpose.”

 

“I didn’t…” he said.

 

“Well, I’m sure Taeil hyung knows it.”

 

_ Well, fuck.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Japan trip coming soon!!!
> 
> I plan to make things... emm... accelerate then
> 
> Thank you so much for patiently reading this. I completely appreciate them. I haven't had the time to reply to all the comments but I definitely read them. Suggestions are accepted, appreciated, and when I think they are coherent with the story, I will definitely add them on. 
> 
> You can give suggestions, and even criticisms either here on the comments section or my twitter account @choisoftcheol, you can DM me anytime.
> 
> Please do tell me what you think of this chapter!
> 
> Again,, thank you so much!!


	11. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehe this is the first day of the japan trip that i had been excited to write for so long, i'm excited to post this so this is super unedited, please forgive my typos and errors

They’ve landed in Japan a few hours before sunset and spent the rest of the time in a rented car which took them to their hotel. After approximately four hours, they’re finally on their backs, sinking onto the soft and comfortable mattress as the sun continued to set outside their room. Johnny initially booked two rooms for one but Taeil complained, saying it would be a waste of money to stay in two separate rooms for two weeks when they can stay in one. Now, looking over to Taeil’s figure curling around a pillow, he doesn't know what he’s supposed to do with Taeil in a room with him for twelve days. 

 

Of course, they’ve slept in the same bed multiple times before, and they’ve already existed in the same house for months now, but they’ve never spent so much time in the same space. 

 

Johnny did not think all this through. 

 

He can hear the older’s quiet and stable breathing as he slept his exhaustion away, immediately crashing against the bed when he said he didn’t schedule anything for the first few days so they can just go wherever they want or go whenever they want to. They have both agreed to rest for a while, order some food for dinner, watch movies, and rest for tomorrow. He had purposefully set very little scheduled activities as he wanted the trip to be as spontaneous as possible without the limitations of time. 

 

 

Johnny had fallen asleep for a while before he awakes to movements around the room. He spotted Taeil’s figure freeze as he stirred in his bed. “Hey, did I wake you?” he whispered, crouching with a bunch of clothes between his arms. “I’m sorry I was just putting my things in the closet.”

 

Johnny leaned up by his elbows, shaking his head. “No, it’s fine, hyung,” he rolled over to the edge of the bed before pushing himself over it, falling onto the floor. “Oh my god, Johnny!” Taeil rushed, reacting like he didn’t know Johnny rolls out of bed like that. Literally. “Stop doing that, seriously.” He chastised, standing over Johnny who was still struggling to stand. “One day you’re gonna hurt yourself and you’ll give me a heart attack and we’ll both die and still be roommates in heaven,” he took Johnny’s hand and pulled him up. “Actually, that doesn’t sound bad,” he murmured to himself. 

 

Johnny grins, pulling him close and gave him a quick side hug. “What do you wanna do?”

 

“Just dinner and movie still,” he followed Johnny with his eyes as the other sashayed across the room. “I’m still kind of tired,” his sentence kind of fades and voice got quieter with each word, staring at Johnny with blank eyes.

 

“What?” Johnny demanded, conscious. Taeil stepped forward towards him, face unreadable. “What?” he demanded again, scared that he might be planning something weird. 

 

“Nothing,” Taeil whispered, slowly coming up to wrap his arms around him. Johnny freezes, startled. However, Taeil buries his head further into his chest, and he couldn’t help but relax, knowing that allowing him to express emotions through others can help him move on, and maybe, consider the fact that he could feel things for someone else. Not Johnny, though, he’s just there to help him with whatever he needs to do so Taeil moves on. He’s just there so Taeil can, eventually, find someone else to love who would love him back. Johnny is there to make him happy again. It might not even matter whatever it takes, and whatever it is on the line. Even if it’s his own heart. Johnny decided to indulge himself, thinking that if he can at least get to hug him freely, then is it really that costly? 

 

Both his arms go around Taeil’s head, completely enveloping him in a tight hug. His chin rests on Taeil’s head, but the older’s arms squeezed him tighter, resting his cheeks against the base of his neck. “How are you so warm?” he asked quietly. 

 

“I don't know, don't ask me.”

 

Taeil paused for a while, before loosening his grip around him. “Now I’m sleepy, and this is all your fault.” Johnny laughed, swaying them both back and forth slowly. 

 

“Do you want me to order room service? We can just go out and eat out tomorrow. Let's just stay in tonight, how’s that?”

 

Taeil raised his head and looked at him in awe, “How are you this perceptive?” Johnny shrugged, and the regretfully let the other go. “What do you want? I’ll call them.”

 

 

They were already through the first Hunger Games movie when room service arrived. They didn’t order too much for dinner since they were sure that they would be asleep not before long, anyway. That didn’t stop them from ordering a bunch of snacks for the movie, though. The hotel staff smiled politely the whole time and helped then arrange everything they’ve ordered an order on the table and the fridge. 

 

“Thank you,” Johnny smiled as they were finishing up. 

 

“If you want,” the staff started. “There’s a fireworks show at midnight. I think you’d have a good view from your balcony.”

 

“A fireworks show? For what?”

 

“Oh, it’s the hotel’s anniversary, we’ve been celebrating all week,” he motioned to the balcony. “You’d have a good view there but I’d recommend the music hall on the 17th floor. Nobody would probably be up there at that time.” He suggests. Taeil smiles widely up at him, obviously wanting to take the suggestion. 

 

“We will,” Johnny nodded, following the staff out of the room. 

 

“Plus,” he added quietly right when he had stepped out. “Music is always playing there, and the lights are always dimmer than the rest of the hotel.” He smiled mischievously before walking away, leaving Johnny standing there, astounded. 

 

He turns back to into the room, Taeil already cozy against Johnny’s pillows, remote in hand, ready to start the movie again. “Oh my!” Johnny playfully exclaims. “Who are you, sir? And what are you doing in my bed?” Taeil curls up against the blankets and giggles. “I’m serious, sir, this isn’t a laughing matter,” he drops his voice, but while crawling into bed and under the covers himself. 

 

“I’m Taeil,” he giggles continuously. 

 

“Mr. Taeil, sir, may I have your identification please?”

 

Taeil fake gasps, “You don’t know me? How dare you!” His words were strong but his tone remained soft and playful. 

 

“Identification, sir, please,” Johnny went on the skit, teasing. 

 

“Fine!” Taeil reaches for the bedside table and his wallet, opening it and throwing it onto Johnny’s lap. “There, that’s my identification. You’re sure you don’t know me?” He had a mischievous glint in his eyes, and when Johnny looked down, he realized why. In his wallet, was another [picture](https://goo.gl/images/t7NkRJ) of him and Johnny, different from the one he had framed in his bedroom. It was taken on Taeyong’s sister’s wedding, and they were wearing semi-formal clothes, with styled hairs, a complete contrast from their casual and almost haphazardly thrown in sets clothes. They teased each other the entire day. Both their hairs have been darker, then. During this time, Taeil still had a supporting role in a different production and Johnny was still active in the volleyball team. This was way before his injury, so it’s been around 2 years since then.

 

“Oh, would you look at that. You know me.” Taeil teased after a while, probably sensing that the picture had made him emotional.

 

“Hmmm,” Johnny fake-stroked his chin. “I’m not sure if that’s me.”

 

“Well, for starters, you’re the only one I keep pictures of.” Johnny paused, trying to process the information. 

 

“You have pictures of Sicheng and the others, though,” he broke character to clarify. 

 

“In my phone, yes,” he nodded, burying his face further into his pillow. “Our pictures are developed. One is framed, as you’ve probably noticed, and one is kept there,” he pointed to his wallet. “And the others are stacked in a box that I keep somewhere in my room,” he explained exhaustively.

 

“Why would you do that?” Johnny asked, breathless, unable to cope with the fact that the person he’s in love with for years keeps pictures of him, frames them, put them in his wallet, and keeps them. 

 

“Well, I want a reminder that you’re there.”

 

Johnny adjusts on the bed, facing him. “What do you mean?” The proximity is making him whisper his question.

 

“Well, if you were me, wouldn’t you want a constant reminder that the person who’s always there for you, the person who will always support you, the person who makes you feel like everything will be okay, will always be there? And that…” Taeil smiled, and with his eyes reflecting the light, it looked like they were watering. “He’ll always love you. No matter who you are, no matter what your decisions may be.” Johnny’s heart skipped a beat. Does he know? He doesn’t know right? Just like when he said he loved him, he meant it as a friend. He loves Taeyong, he loves Ten, he loves Yuta, but Sicheng will always be different. But at least he loves him. And that’s all Johnny can ever ask for. “And there are times when you aren’t there. I know you have issues, I know you miss your parents terribly, I know your efforts to stay on top of the class, and I’m sorry I sometimes keep you from dealing with them. There are times when you aren’t there, and it’s not your fault, you have a life, but I still want the pictures. I look at them and I say to myself, ‘everything is going to be okay, Johnny’s here, he’s coming back’, and then I feel so much better.”

 

Johnny’s chest thumped the entire time. He knows he does a lot for his friends, and he knows that he does a lot more for Taeil, but he didn’t know that it was this appreciated--he didn’t know that he had become comfort for him, and he didn’t know that he had given the older some kind of assurance that he’s always going to be there. He never said it explicitly, but Taeil knew anyway. Then he started to wonder if there were other things that he didn’t express but Taeil knew anyway. He hoped there was nothing else.

 

“Sorry, I’m so dramatic,” he made a weird face, making Johnny laugh. He had always been like this, serious and sincere, and then he’s suddenly awkward and making faces, it wouldn’t be long before he’d try to shift the topic to escape the awkwardness that he feels.

 

“Ignore me. I’d prefer it if we turned our attention to the Capitol,” he quickly sits up and plays the movie right away, not even waiting for Johnny to stand up. Johnny smiles, amused at how accurate he had predicted Taeil. He sat up, elbowing the older gently. “Don’t you wanna eat?”

 

Taeil smiles, probably glad that Johnny had chosen not to dwell on his statements. “I am kind of hungry,” he nods.

 

 

Taeil had almost fallen asleep when the movie had ended and Johnny congratulated him for lasting so long. “At one point there I really thought I was going to transcend to another dimension.”

 

“Then you should have just gone to sleep,” Johnny chuckled. 

 

“But I wanted to see the fireworks with you,” he said, pouting a little. 

 

Johnny smiled fondly, ruffling the others’ hair. “Do you wanna change? It’s 11:30.” Taeil frowned, thinking about it. 

 

“Yeah, I think I do. I also kinda wanna wash up, I still feel like going to sleep,” he walks away, leaving Johnny alone in the room. He goes out the balcony and it took a while before Johnny decided to call his mom. It was most probably around 8 or 9 in the morning in Chicago at that moment and he was sure his mom was awake.

 

It didn't take her long to pick up, “Hello, Johnny,” she spoke gently. 

 

“Hi, mom,” he smiles at the receiver, knowing his mother would be able to hear the smile in his voice. “You at work?”

 

“Yeah, I’m at my desk right now. Dad’s staying home, though, he's kind of feeling under the weather, make sure you text him.”

 

“I will,” Johnny said. 

 

“How’s Japan?”

 

“Cold,” he jokes. “And extremely beautiful, mom. You need to see it here.”

 

“I’ll tell dad, maybe he’d want to go next year.”

Johnny paused for a while, envisioning his parents in the country. “I miss you guys.”

 

“We miss you, too, baby.”

 

 

When he had ended the phone call with his mom, Taeil was already done, sitting on his bed while drying his damp hair. “You go now, I’ll wait for you here.”

 

 

They only had 10 minutes before midnight before they finally located the secluded music room, soft music filling the room with warmth. It was bare, except for a few instruments by the side, and a huge piano in the middle. The lights were muted, illuminated only by a lone chandelier which hung proudly in the middle of the room. One of the walls was completely glass, giving a perfect view of the outside, and they have the view to themselves. 

 

Taeil gasped in awe, excitement was written all over his face. He rushed over to the window to look at the view. Johnny followed him quietly, admiring how Taeil’s silhouette stands out against the Sapporo backdrop. The unfamiliar classical piece then shifted into an Ed Sheeran song, making Taeil look up in surprise. “I thought they only play classical,” he chuckled, looking back at Johnny. 

 

“Apparently not,” before Johnny could add anything else, they both startled back as the sky was suddenly filled with lights, so close that it illuminated the dark room with every shot of color. Johnny smiled, looking up at the unconventional patterns of the fireworks which were obviously planned and arranged specifically for the hotel. He was startled for a few more times when he thought it had ended but it apparently hadn’t, and then after 10 minutes, it was over. 

 

Johnny smiled to look at Taeil, who was already smiling at him. “That was pretty.”

 

Taeil looked out of it and confused as he’d just woken up from a dream. “Yeah…” he nods, although he still didn't look focused. However, he does take Johnny’s hand in his, pulling him to the middle of the room, and he points up to indicate that the room is still playing Ed Sheeran, and it was, in fact, Johnny’s favorite. “It’s the Tinnifer song.”

 

Johnny groans as he allows himself to be dragged along. Taeil always got the song title wrong since he couldn't say ‘tenerife’. “It’s Tenerife sea,” he corrects again, for the umpteenth time. 

 

“I’ll never be able to say that,” he stopped and faced Johnny. “Just correct me, it's fine. Now,” he takes his other hand in his. “Let’s dance.”

 

Johnny chuckled, surprised at the older's spontaneity. Taeil pulled him closer, reaching up to wrap his arms around his neck, Johnny returns the gesture through wrapping his own around Taeil’s waist. It's nerve-wracking to think that they're doing this but at the same time, at that moment, nothing else even seemed to exist around them. It’s just both of them, at that moment, swaying gently to that one Ed Sheeran song that reminds him of Taeil. Taeil looked up, as his hand moved up to the back of Johnny’s head, pulling him down to rest their foreheads together. 

 

They’d never been this close before, it's as if their airspaces had molded into one. Johnny knows this is dangerous, he knows he might stop thinking along the line and do something stupid, but he can't seem to move away. His brain is a bundle of confusion, and he can't seem to think of what he should do, his brain is too overwhelmed by Taeil. His eyes, which seemed to have glossed over had locked Johnny in, and there is no way he can stop this by now. There are too many questions in his brain all at once, but Taeil seemed to answer for him. 

 

He tilted his head up, and the moment their lips met, Johnny’s entire being seemed to disappear, as he forgot everything around him while his mind burst and exploded, just the fireworks in his mind. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reminder: this is still going to be a slow build hehehehehe


	12. Chapter 11

It didn’t even last long as Taeil immediately pulled away ever so slightly, only detaching their lips and nothing else, as he remained wrapped around Johnny. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. Johnny still had his eyes closed, he needed to focus, he needed to decide. It’s now or never. He felt like crying, tears welling up behind his closed lids. “I’m sorry,” he apologized again, moving his hands to cup Johnny’s face.

 

Johnny shook his head gently, “No need to say sorry.”

 

Taeil sighed, “But, can I… do it again?”

 

Johnny’s heart thumped harder if that was even possible. This is one of the hardest things he’s had to deal with in a long time, “If you want to.”

 

“I want to, yes,” he whispered, tilting his head upward again. Johnny sighed when Taeil’s lips touch against his, soft and unsure. In a moment of courage, Johnny pulled him closer, angling his head to the side, eliciting a groan from the older as their lips intertwine lazily. Johnny engrossed himself in the feeling of Taeil’s lips caressing his lower lip, seeking entry. He parts his lips, allowing the other to deepen the kiss. He stumbles back as Taeil urges him back against the piano, their lips never disconnecting. He sits on the closed lid of the piano keys and he instantly becomes shorter than Taeil, and the other takes advantage of this through tugging at Johnny's hair to tilt his head upward. Taeil’s hands travel from his shoulder to his neck, softly gliding his hands against the warm skin before cupping his jaw, thumb caressing his jawline. 

 

Johnny sighed, wishing deep inside that this moment can last forever.

 

 

 

Taeil groaned and whimpered in his sleep, eyebrows crinkling and breath shortening as tears fell from his eyes, experiencing a nightmare. When he shot up from his bed, he was panting and sobbing, his heart heavy and his throat coarse even if it had no reason to be. He frantically looked around and spotted Johnny's unmoving figure from the other bed and he panicked, immediately jumping off his bed and pulled Johnny quite forcefully, “Johnny?” he whispered, hiccuping right after. “Johnny, wake up, please,” Taeil didn't have a chance to evaluate his reaction when his heart suddenly releases tension when Johnny stirred and opened his eyes. 

 

“Taeil? What's wrong?”

 

“Oh my God,” his voice came out shaking, relieved beyond words. He leaned forward, resting his head against Johnny's chest, listening to the loud and steady heartbeat pulsing underneath his skin. “It was just a dream,” he assured himself. “Just a dream.”

 

“Did you have a nightmare?” Johnny's voice sounded more awake, fussing over the older who had sounded so frantic and desperate. “Hey,” he softened his voice, caressing a hand up and down the older’s back. “Are you okay? Can I do anything to make you feel better?” he can feel the older breathe against his shirt, then slowly looked up at him. 

 

“Can I sleep here?” he was still panting as the adrenaline from his nightmare had not fully settled. 

 

“Sure,” Johnny adjusted, giving Taeil some space and the older settled beside him. He continued rubbing circles on his back, comforting him without words, and he started to relax as Taeil pressed a face against his chest. “I need to feel you breathe,” he murmured, allowing his head to move along with Johnny's every inhale and exhale. Eventually, Taeil relaxed and fell back to sleep. 

 

 

Johnny continuously glanced at Taeil with worry as he moved around the room, preparing to leave for the day. The older boy woke up earlier than he did, eyes puffy from crying, with a glint in his eyes that indicated that he was still quite shaken up. They were about to head to the city center of Sapporo but Taeil still looked like he wanted a big-ass nap while Johnny sat on the bed, watching him stride back and forth across the room. “Hey,” he held onto his wrist when he passed in front of him. “Are you sure you're okay? We can just stay in more if you want to,” Johnny offered. Taeil faced him, smiling down fondly at him before running his fingers through his soft hair. “I’m fine,” he assured. “I was just quite shaken up, but I'm fine, I promise,” Taeil stepped forward, puts his hands on Johnny's shoulders and leaned down to press another chaste kiss on Johnny's lips. He pressed their foreheads together, breaths mingling, eyes closed. 

 

“What is it? What's the nightmare?” Johnny whispered, holding him by the waist. Taeil’s nose visibly scrunched, as if in pain. He urgently put one hand on Johnny's neck and relaxed. “It was you,” Johnny opened his eyes to look at Taeil’s pained face, what did he do? Was dream nightmare such a high-class dick that Taeil actually really hates it? “You were gone,” Johnny's heart suddenly beat erratically. “You were gone, you… died. I tried calling out to you but you were gone. I kept convincing myself that it was a dream, and fortunately, it was. I can't imagine it if you were gone,” Taeil paused, holding his breath. “I can’t.”

 

Johnny smiled gently, understanding the hand against his neck, the finger against his pulse. “I’m here, I promise. I’m not gonna leave you, okay?”

 

Taeil nodded, pressing another kiss on Johnny's lips before sighing. He then stood straight, a gentle smile creeping up his face. 

 

“Ready now?”

 

Taeil smiled, “Yes.”

 

 

 

Taeil visibly relaxed for the rest of the day, as Johnny only planned a lot of eating while planning the rest of their trip as they looked around. It was extremely cold but surprisingly dry. One of the hotel staff commented that the day would probably continue to be uncharacteristically dry, and continued to note that, well, it's still December and the heaviest snowfalls occur on January and February. Johnny smiled, thanking the staff for reminding them to bring umbrellas in case it does snow. 

 

Hand in hand, they excitedly walk around the city, visiting a quaint sushi place first. He cutely chewed on his food when Johnny took out his phone to take notes of their plans. 

 

“So,” he startled the older through speaking suddenly. “What do you want to do?”

 

Taeil munches cutely, trying his best to swallow the sushi before answering, “Onsen. Definitely.” Johnny listed it, although being in Hokkaido already made that a safe given. He isn't so sure about it, though. Considering the fact that they’ve been quite… intimate with each other, he doesn't think he’d be super comfortable in a situation where he’d have to strip and be submerged in hot water with the older. 

 

“We can also go skiing,” Johnny murmured. “But that would have to be next week since we're moving to a ski resort. Onsen would be there, too,” he honestly tried to pretend like he didn't plan much. 

 

“I read about a mountain peak,” Taeil added.

 

They continue on listing things, making sure they don't have too much on their itinerary, leaving lots of hours for lazing around in the mornings and to make sure they aren't too packed and exhausted. That takes the fun away from a vacation. 

 

“How about today?” Johnny asked when he finally finished scheduling. 

 

Taeil smiled, scratching his chin. “Maybe we can go around the city?”

 

“Sure,” Johnny smiled, almost blurting out that he should decide because the entire trip is for him, after all.

 

 

The two of them decided to stay indoors as the heating was pumped up to the point that they had to remove their thick coats. They went into a mall, ordering coffees to get their necessary daily caffeine fix. 

 

“Johnny,” Taeil pulled him excitedly, dragging him to a corner. “It’s a photobooth,” he giggled, immediately checking in if it was occupied. Johnny followed him in, equally as excited. It was not like Korea didn't have photo booths, but something about Japanese ones which were really eccentric and they did not want to miss it. 

 

They took a lot of pictures, designing them as ridiculous as they can. When they left the booth, Johnny pretended not to melt when Taeil replaced the picture in his wallet with the one where the older pretended to kiss his cheek and when he kept more than half of them into a compartment. Eventually, the warm indoors stopped being enough for the two excited people, and they decided to use Yuta’s advice and took a cab to Mayukawa Park.

 

 

As soon as the park came into view, Taeil sat up excitedly, eyes lighting up with the sight of white matting the ground, with brown, almost bare trees lining the paths. It is the prettiest, melancholic winter view, but Taeil’s expression lights everything up. He has a playful grin in his face and looked like he was considering just jumping out of the cab. 

 

They wasn't a lot people maybe because they expected the trees to be completely bare and cold but some trees apparently grew flowers in winter and the soft pinks and yellows together with the white backdrop makes everything so much prettier and delicate. Johnny was left to pay the driver while Taeil had already run off the park, dangerously skipping through snow. 

 

“Hyung!” Johnny called out, “Be careful!”

 

Taeil raised his hand and made an “ok” sign before running off to the path which had less matted by snow, and more by petals. “This is so pretty!” he heard the older screech. “Johnny come here!” he couldn't help but chuckle, seeing the older be this excited. He followed, fumbling with the camera slung around his neck to take snapshots of Taeil crouched in front of a cat. 

 

Johnny reviews the picture. The white dominated it, and the clouds muted everything down. But three things stood out: the colorful petals, striving despite the cold winter, the beautiful black cat, and at the center of it all: Taeil, half-swallowed by his coat and his scarf, petting the tiny cat. Johnny's heart warmed despite the cold, remembering the day when he first realized that his affections for the older man may not be platonic after all. 

 

It was a spring afternoon in Seoul, and they had been walking on a similar path but that one was lined with vibrant cherry blossoms, shedding and dropping all around them. He’d been constantly fond and affectionate for his friend for quite some time and Yuta made it a goal to point out that out to him. 

 

“You like him,” he would accuse. 

 

“He’s my friend, of course, I like him.”

 

“Not that way, I mean you wanna smooch him.”

 

“No, I don’t,” he immediately denied. “Go and find yourself someone maybe you’d leave me alone.” Sicheng hadn’t transferred to Seoul and met the rest of Johnny's friends back then. 

 

“Don’t worry, I think he likes you, too.” Back then, Yuta was the one filled with bullshit, not Taeyong. 

 

 

 

He eventually caught up to Taeil, who pointed to a sign. “That says, ‘Hokkaido Shrine’ you wanna go and see it?” he smiled up at Johnny, adorably crinkling his reddish nose. 

 

Johnny smiled, reaching behind Taeil to pull his hood up over his head then arranged the scarf around his head. “Sure, let's go.”

 

Taeil thanked him quietly, before taking Johnny's hand in his, pulling him along. They both had thick gloves but the blush across Johnny's face made it seem like they’re making contact. He followed, smile plastered across his face. A small voice on the back of his brain reminded him that this won’t last long, that this might only be in Japan, a Japan-only exclusive, but he tried to push the thoughts away, focusing on enjoying the day rather than lamenting it. He can just cry later. 

 

The shrine was even quieter, with the spiritual environment that people respected it with, it seemed a lot more ethereal and dreamlike. The stairs leading up to the entrance arc was cleared of snow, clearing a clean path. Taeil tugged his hand, walking slowly up the stairs then stopped underneath the arch. He quietly bowed and urged Johnny to do the same. Taeil also pulled him as they passed under the arc, making sure he didn't pass through the direct center. 

 

“Deities pass through there,” he explained quietly, his voice only above a whisper. He seemed to know a lot about the traditions of a Shinto Shrine, and Johnny smiled at the serious face he had on. They continue walking along the path, until Taeil told them to stop at a covered area with ladles of water. “We need to purify ourselves first,” he follows Taeil’s instructions as they collect water through their hands. 

 

When they finished, Taeil smiled and walked towards the main building. “Here is where we pray,” he said after quietly throwing a coin at a spot. You clap twice then bow before and after you do it, okay?” Johnny nodded, watching as Taeil closed his eyes, and started praying. 

 

Johnny decided to do the same. 

 

He quietly clapped twice, bowed, closed his eyes, and started praying. He didn't know if these deities existed, as much as Shintoists didn't know if the Christian God existed. None of these religious really knew for sure. Sure, Johnny had religious affiliations, he had religious beliefs of his own, but that didn't mean he invalidated other people's beliefs. For him, it really is a matter of faith: believing that someone out there is willing to help him, believing that everything can get better if he just believed it would. 

 

He prayed for his parents. He prayed for his father's health, for his treatments to finally make better strides. He prayed for his mother, for her to continue to be happy and healthy. He thanked whoever it was out there who allowed him to have such wonderful parents. He prayed for himself, wishing his final year would go smoothly, and that he would graduate in time. He prayed for his friends, for them to all finish together, and for them to continue being happy and healthy. And he prayed for Taeil, prayed for him intensely. He prayed for him to feel better, for him to find whatever it is that makes him happy. Of course, that shouldn't be Sicheng since he prayed for him and Yuta to be happy together, too. But, he hoped that Taeil would be happy again. No matter with who it is going to be, or whether happiness for him comes with being alone. He prayed for Taeil to finally move on, feel better, and finally find the path that was meant to him. Before he ended his prayer, he stopped and reconsidered himself. He prayed for himself, thinking that when Taeil moves on and no longer needs him, hopefully he gets to move on, too. Live his life without the pain following him everywhere. Although it's difficult to imagine, he hoped he can finally find someone- someone who will love him back. 

 

He clapped, bowed, and sighed. He honestly wished they would come true. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part 2 of the japan trip is done!! i think there will be two more parts,, one for the rest of their time in sapporo, and another for their second week in another place
> 
> what did you think of it???
> 
> please tell me in the comments or we can talk in my twitter dms!! ❤️❤️
> 
> you can also check the spotify playlist i've created for the fic https://open.spotify.com/user/aishjinjaa/playlist/4GewOVd2HcgKChrDqQv88M?si=7OMzOiNcSD-LuXhtvTionw
> 
> thank you so much for reading!!! sorry for any mistakes or typos i'll edit them when i have the time


	13. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is officially my longest chapter so far and it is just a whole slob of NOTHING please forgive me

The biting wind hit and Johnny shivered, but it didn’t matter much because the only thing he could focus on was his hand cupped around Taeil’s as the older quietly looked at the amulets on display within the grounds of the shrine. He had no idea what the amulets were for so he simply let the other choose for himself. He watched the other as he concentrated on trying to communicate with the old lady, exchanging a few clumsy words, but it was obvious that they were both trying. 

 

Taeil finally smiles, picks up an amulet, and tells the lady that he wants to take it. The lady graciously took his payment and hands him the amulet but not before she tried to instruct him first. Taeil nodded attentively, smiling before turning to face Johnny. “I need to write a prayer in here first,” he said, loosening his grip on Johnny. The taller let him go, allowing him to lean over the table to privately write. It took Taeil quite a while before he stood up straight, rolled the paper up, and put it inside the pouch. He then closes his eyes, as if in prayer once more, before sighing and handing the pouch over to Johnny. 

 

Johnny stared at the outstretched arm and the deep red pouch. “Should I keep it in my pocket?” He asked innocently, Taeil pulled his arm back, laughing. 

 

“No,” he grinned mirthfully. “It’s for you.”

 

Johnny couldn’t understand what he felt as it had become a mixture of too many things. He instantly felt grateful for the prayers sent his way, grateful about how Taeil wishes him well. But he’s also curious: what did he wish for? What is his prayer for Johnny?

 

“What is this for?” He finally asked, taking the amulet by the string, gently wrapping the pouch around his fingers. It felt weird, thinking that in Shinto beliefs, Johnny is holding Taeil’s prayers for him. 

 

“It’s for your success,” Taeil answered quietly. “We’re graduating soon, I just thought, why not?”

 

Johnny smiled, looking over at the smaller man, nose reddened by the cold, his hair was soft and fell over his eyes. He had never seen anyone as beautiful. His eyes were dark colored and deep; Johnny can only imagine the stars underneath it, but he knows it’s there, he glimpses it when he smiles. “Thank you,” he smiled. “I’m gonna take care of it.”

  
  


Their fourth day in Sapporo had just ended after they took various tours within the city such as museums, marketplaces, the zoo, and even the beer making place. Suffice to say they both spent quite a lot but also quite tipsy from all the free beer. Johnny had already finished showering before going to bed and he stretched over his bed horizontally, making his head and his feet hang over the edge as his world spun around him gently. After all the free beer, he and Taeil bought more for them to take back to the hotel to fight the cold. He has had enough to be tipsy, but he knew the shower would sober him up again. It  _ did  _ help but he still felt a little too lightheaded than usual. 

 

He was playing with his phone when Taeil came out from the shower, his hair was damp and a towel slung over his shoulder. He shook his head to get rid of the excess droplets like a puppy, looking up shyly when Johnny chuckled at him. “What,” he demanded, walking over to the other side of the room before he hung his towel on a hanger. He walked back the middle of the room, but not without grabbing two cans of beer from the fridge. “You need to drink more,” he put one of the bottles on the bedside table nearest to Johnny and sat on the tiny space on the floor, between their beds and leaned against Johnny's bed. “You’ll get a headache.”

 

Johnny frowned, “Is that true?”

 

“I don’t know,” Taeil admitted, shrugging. “It happens to me. I can’t drink too little, and I can’t drink too much, I develop a headache. I drink  _ just the right amount _ , just enough to be reasonably drunk.”

 

“That’s weird,” the other remarked.

 

“Just do it,” he insisted good-naturedly, motioning to the cold bottle he left for him. Johnny grabbed the bottle and balanced it with his hand while he struggled to get up. He does manage, though, and pads over to where Taeil was. “Hey moon,” he sang quietly as he approached. 

 

“Please forget to fall down,” Taeil sang back, with his beautifully smooth voice. 

 

“Hey moon,” Johnny sang again as he sank beside but across the older, folding himself in half as he leaned against Taeil’s bed. Taeil looked up, peeking at him, “Don’t you go down,” he completed, smiling uncontrollably. “You haven't done that in a while,” Taeil commented, watching as Johnny took a huge swig of his beer. 

 

“I thought you found that annoying,” Johnny said honestly. 

 

Taeil frowned at him, with a slight twitch of confusion. “No, I don’t, where did you get that idea?”

 

“Well, after some time you stopped singing it with me, I just thought you’d have enough of it,” Johnny remembered a few years ago, they were relatively new friends then, but Taeil was still separate from the rest, a friend he met through his classes, and every time Johnny approached him, he sang the lines from the Panic! At The Disco song, and for the first time he did it, he was stunned when the older suddenly sang the next lines for him. It had become a constant thing for the two of them, one day, however, Johnny sang “hey, moon” but Taeil didn't sing it back. Back then, he thought it was because he was just distracted, talking to Sicheng who had just moved from China. He didn't think the shift would actually become permanent. He smiled bitterly, but he instantly shook the thoughts away. 

 

“Well,” Taeil hummed. “Just for the record: I like it.”

 

Johnny stayed quiet for a while before restarting their conversation. “Are you enjoying yourself, hyung?”

 

“Of course,” he answered without missing a beat. “Oh wait, you mean this right now, or this trip in general?” Johnny frowned, thinking the older isn't enjoying one of the two. 

 

“The trip in general,”

 

“Oh, yeah! I’m loving it. Honestly, thank you so much for this.”

 

“If I had said this moment right now, what would you have answered?” Johnny tried to clarify. 

 

“Yes,” Taeil took another bottle that he had beside him, taking a long gulp. “Yes to both,” he rests his cold palm on Johnny's knee, before quietly reaching for the younger’s hand. Johnny trembled, and he's sure the older can feel it, which probably prompted Taeil to calm him down through running his thumb over his knuckles. “Are you that cold?” Taeil asked quietly. Johnny tried to hide his sigh, relieved that the older had believed that it was just caused by the chill that the thermostat can't shake off. Unfortunately, the moment doesn't last long as Taeil stood to take more beer from the fridge. 

  
  
  


Taeil had turned the music on 4 beers ago, and they're listening to his favorite songs while they both sang along, drinking, talking in hushed voices, and laughing together. “I found it  _ hilarious,  _ though,” Taeil giggled and slurred, lazily resting his chin on Johnny's knee. “And Mark and Doyoung seemed to think so, too,” Johnny recalled the time when he made the coffee bean joke, smiling at how he thought it was lame but Taeil insistently disagreed. 

 

“Well Mark doesn't count, he laughs at everything!” Johnny laughed wholeheartedly. 

 

“True,” the older’s reaction was a stark contrast to his, as he had suddenly turned quiet, observing Johnny, who has turned his attention to trying to sing the song. He takes one hand and runs them through Johnny's thick, growing hair, surprising him, absently humming along with the song while smoothing Johnny's hair. “Your hair is so soft…” Taeil sang the compliment, smiling, proud of himself. His eyes have turned glassy and it was obvious that he was much drunker than Johnny; he has always been the lightweight. “Eyes are so…” he pauses along with the song, “Pretty.”

 

Johnny started to sing along with him, humming and swaying absentmindedly. He closed his eyes, both relaxing to the sound enveloping them, and controlling his lightheadedness from all the drinking. He rolled his head back onto the mattress, relaxing. He had started to drift off when he felt a hand on his stomach, making soft, lazy circles before traveling to his waist, where Taeil’s thumb continued soft presses. He continued to close his eyes, though, and simply sighed at the comforting touch. Taeil is had been uncharacteristically touchy lately when he usually resists when Johnny initiates contact before. He would stiffen his arms when Johnny wrapped his arms around him and sometimes even shook him off or elbowed his hands away and back when Johnny was still confident that he can still take Taeil’s attention away, he still persisted and kept squeezing him despite the resistance. 

 

He’s been worn down through time, however. No matter how much love you have to give, and no matter how much you’re willing to get, and no matter how much you never wanted to give up in the first place, you still get tired, and it gets draining. It’s not like he’s moved on, to think that he has is even laughable, but he had given up. He has random bursts of  _ trying,  _ just because it has become second nature for him to  _ try  _ for Taeil but looking at it as a whole, he has just shifted to helping Taeil with whatever he can, without the thought of the other finally returning his affections. The moment Taeil confided in him and said he thinks Sicheng is “the one”, he had stopped consciously trying. He can still remember how his heart dropped to his stomach, a complete opposite of the huge smile plastered on Taeil’s face. He can remember the dread filling his lungs, and he could remember how difficult it was for him to force himself to smile and to tease Taeil about it, like what a friend would do. 

 

Without him noticing, a single tear escaped from his eye and he hastily wiped it away. Taeil caught him, though. “Hey,” he whispered urgently, cupping Johnny’s jaw. “Are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine,” his voice came out breathier that he wanted it to. “The song is sad,” he reasoned. He actually had no idea since the song is in Japanese, but he had to have a valid reason right away.

 

“Really? I didn’t know that.”

 

_ Well, I don’t know either but it’s not like I can tell you what I’m  _ really  _ tearing up about.  _

 

“Yeah, it’s sad.”

 

“Don’t be sad,” Taeil muttered under his breath, barely audible underneath the other sounds within the room. He said it so softly Johnny can almost fantasize that it meant so much more. “I don’t like it when you’re sad.” Johnny smiled, maybe because he was touched by Drunk Taeil again, but it was mostly because he found everything ironic. He had no idea.

 

“Are you still sad?” Johnny suddenly asked him, surprise evident on his face.

 

Taeil thinks about it for a while before frowning, “I haven’t thought about it ever since we started preparing to come here,” he admitted.

 

“We should just move here, then,” he joked, silently wishing they actually could.

 

“I honestly wish we could, you and me,” Taeil leans forward and rests his head on Johnny’s chest, arm hanging over Johnny’s abdomen. “But I kinda miss the apartment, you know. I miss how it looks like people actually live in it and there are so many trinkets of you and me. The keyboard squashed against the living room wall, the pictures of you with Yuta and Taeyong, that tiny toy car you displayed by the shelf, your books lying around, the script I left on the living room table and the ringed stains I left all those times I didn’t use a coaster…”

 

“Your weights in the middle of the living room,” Johnny supplies, smiling at the memory of all the times they both skipped over it on their way to the kitchen. 

 

“The balcony,” Taeil smiled. “The smell of the pillows, especially when we just washed them.”

 

“The vines around the railings.”

 

“The huge camphor tree that reaches the balcony.”

 

“ _ The smell  _ of the camphor tree,” Johnny smiled knowing well that Taeil absolutely  _ loves  _ the smell of the tree which is the first thing he pointed out the first time he came over. As expected, he felt Taeil’s cheeks twitch into a smile. 

 

“I just like being with you,” Taeil whispered  _ so  _ quietly, it’s as if he didn’t mean for Johnny to hear him. “Did I already tell you that you remind me of warm blankets on a dark, rainy day?”

 

“You might have before,” Johnny smiled, before deciding to wrap his arms around Taeil’s neck lazily in a half-hug. “Maybe that’s because I’m warm.”

 

“Not exactly,” Taeil mumbled. “You’re… I don’t know. You smell familiar, you feel comfortable, you’re soft, I feel like the world can crumble outside but I won’t even worry,” Johnny closed his eyes, willing himself to not to be so affected by words and to not fall into overthinking. If he did, he would just be hurting himself, opening up a whole new wound that Taeil didn’t mean to inflict in the first place. Taeil was slurring, too, making it clear to Johnny that it was just the alcohol talking. 

 

He let Taeil untangle his limbs from his own as he let his world spin around him. Of all the times he and the older had been drunk together, this is the first one where neither of them (sans Taeil) had gone rogue and asked anyone to fight. Then again, this is also one of the few times they’ve drunk together indoors and the first in such an intimate setting. They’ve always done it at the balcony where Taeil randomly calls out to strangers on the street or with the others where he starts to randomly engage in deep conversations about the profound influence of aglets in our daily lives with Yuta who consistently and wholeheartedly agrees with him every single time. 

 

But with Johnny, he’s just a clingy, sappy, drunk who requires all the hugs in the world. He could feel Taeil shuffling his limbs around into a more comfortable position.

 

He slightly jumped when he felt a hand cupping his jaw, only to look up to see Taeil looking down at him, softly caressing his face. “You’re honestly so beautiful,” Johnny said nothing and kept on looking up at him, wondering how it nice it must be if he could just freely tell him how he felt and actually initiate touch and  _ actually  _ tell Taeil how beautiful and perfect he is in his eyes. He wanted to tell him how intensely he felt right at that moment but he knew that if he did, he would never be able to stop and all of this can all come crumbling down.

 

His breath hitched when Taeil continued to lean down to press a small kiss on his lips. Taeil disconnects but leans down right away to do it again, and again, and again. He must have pressed around ten before he stopped disconnecting their lips altogether and decided to simply, eagerly intertwine them. Johnny tentatively places his hands on the older’s hips, encouraging him to continue. They kissed languidly as if they both had all the time in the world, which, at that exact moment, it felt like they had. Both of Taeil’s hands come up to his hair, one pulled and messed it while the other smoothed and caressed.

 

“God,” He mumbled something more against Johnny’s mouth, but the didn’t catch it.

 

“What?” he tried to disconnect but Taeil was already shaking his head, leaning closer to feel his lips again. This time around, Taeil gets obviously more intense, kissing more urgently, kissing, deeper, and presses getting firmer. He eventually nudges Johnny’s mouth open which the younger happily consents to as the older’s tongue tentatively snakes in, hot and heavy against Johnny’s. Johnny whimpered lowly, perhaps getting a little  _ too  _ carried away. It all became worse when Taeil swings one leg over Johnny’s overstretched one, straddling his lap without disconnecting their mouths. His arms come around Taeil’s even tighter, pulling him impossibly closer and the smaller man’s back arches forward in a desperate attempt to cuddle closer.

 

Taeil’s mouth travel to his jaw and Johnny gasped surprised at the wet, open-mouthed kisses which slowly traveled to the spot below his ear, quietly mouthing at the spot until he elicited a quiet, breathy moan from him. “Taeil,” he whispered urgently, warning, but the other only smiled as he moved lower to his neck, introducing his tongue in its wake. Johnny instantly pulled him back up, fearing that things might go out of hand uncontrollably, quickly, and intoxicatedly. He pulled Taeil by his shirt, muttering “too much” and “no more”, making Taeil chuckle. He kissed him again, this time slowly and languidly, despite the panting and the shallow breaths they introduced each other to.

 

Finally, Taeil pulled away, resting his forehead against Johnny’s, panting slightly. “Did I scare you?” he asked.

 

“No,” he admitted. “But you’re drunk. I didn’t want to take advantage of you.”

 

“You’re such a good man, Johnny,” Taeil pressed one last gentle kiss. “You’re too perfect.”

 

Johnny didn’t want to listen to Drunk Taeil but thought that this moment would have been perfect for him to confess if Taeil just wasn’t in love with someone else but with him instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Johnny and Taeil sing together is Northern Downpour by Panic! At The Disco
> 
> I must tell you ahead of time that uhh... I don't know how to write smut so there will most probably be none in this fic :)
> 
> Uhhhhh I dragged a whole chapter just to write a make-out scene at the very end,,, do I suck,, well, I probably do
> 
> Please tell me what you think! You can leave a comment or you can DM me, everything is much appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this!


	14. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter of NOTHING thank u for tolerating me

It took then less than two hours to reach the considerably smaller village of Rusutsu. The entire ride was decorated by the quiet countryside. Snow was considerably slower in the past few days, but the temperature had continuously dropped. Taeil, on the other hand, looked like the sun was up the entire time. His face lit up into a soft smile, singing the song he last played in the car. Their room was much bigger than the one they stayed in Sapporo, or maybe it was an illusion because of the huge window, sending soft light rays into the room and looking out to a snowy mountain view. 

 

“Oh Johnny,” Taeil sighed when he immediately climbed up the window seat (a feature Taeil loves that their Sapporo hotel didn't have), looking out at the view. The entire village looks like a Christmas village, that despite the cold, smiles were abundant and easily shared. “I never want to leave.”

 

Johnny playfully backed away, “Well, I have a flight to Korea I have to catch, you can stay here.”

 

Taeil giggled, pulling his wrist, “You’re a requirement, you have to be here or this place won't be perfect.” Johnny smiled, appreciating the gesture. 

 

“What do you want to do here?”

 

“You can teach me ski,” he held out an index finger, indicating number 1.

 

“I don't know how to ski,” Johnny shook his head, surprised when the older suddenly wrapped a hand around his waist and pulled him towards him. “I’ve seen you with a skateboard, and I’ve seen you with every other sport you've tried, you’re gonna be good at this.”

 

“You might be forgetting my knee injury,” he points out through bending his knee back and forth, knowing it would produce the clacking noise that cracks Taeil up. As expected, he started giggling, but then quickly turned serious. “You’re fine now, though. Don't you wanna join the team again?” For years, Johnny has been a part of the men’s volleyball team, eventually becoming assistant team captain by the end of his second year. He was one of the best players and was told by their coach that he can be captain when he becomes a Junior. But a few weeks before then, he had a bad fall and fractured his knee. He spent months trying to recover and when he was finally better, it had been mid-season, he didn't have training which could cause another injury and was advised to join back on his fourth year. His fourth year was an even bigger roadblock. His thesis topic was approved early and he had even less time to practice. Eventually, he just decided to quit altogether.

 

“We’re almost graduating, we have two months left, and I haven't trained in two years,” he shook his head. 

 

“But you can still play, right?”

 

Johnny mulls it over, he’s had basketball games with Lucas and the others without problem multiple times, but he doesn't know if he can survive all the diving and leaping he has to do with volleyball. “I think so.”

 

“You were a libero, right?”

 

Johnny nodded, impressed that Taeil still remembered. “On my first year. But then sprang up in height and they started training me to be a middle blocker.”

 

“I can still remember girls whispering about you during your games. You never really did notice that everyone was practically whipped about you, I thought you were just being modest,” he chuckled, leaving soft caresses on Johnny's waist. The younger relaxed against him, resting his arms around his shoulder.

 

“I didn't know there was anyone who liked me,” Johnny confessed honestly. Taeil mentioned it before but he never noticed anyone. He's never received gifts, confessions, or even flirting. He isn't sure if he was just dense or he was too busy liking someone else. 

 

Taeil smirked and shook his head, “You have no idea.”

  
  
  


“How many days are we gonna be here?”

 

“Around 5 to 6 days, why?”

 

“Can we spend another in bed? I’m tired,” to emphasize, he fell against the soft mattress dramatically, feigning weakness. 

 

“I already plan to do nothing today, don't worry,” he smiled fondly while he slowly folded his clothes and tucked them into the cabinet. Taeil smiled contentedly. 

 

“I reserved a private indoor onsen for us tomorrow evening,” Taeil beamed, talking about Onsens nonstop ever since they reached Rusutsu. “We can go to an outdoor one maybe the day after tomorrow.”

 

Taeil made a noise of excitement, scrunching his nose in the process. “I can't think of any better vacation.”

 

Johnny hesitated, but said it anyway. “We can come back  here next Spring.”

 

Taeil stopped, but a smile slowly formed before he finally buried his head in his pillows. “That would be nice,” he mumbled against it. He slowly rolled to his side, hugging a pillow while he watched Johnny unpack. “I can get a high-paying job and I can pay for the next one.”

 

“I told you, you don't have to pay me back.”

 

“And I already told you, I will,” he insisted. “This has been the best days of my life, and I owe them all to you. I owe you  _ so many things  _ now.”

 

“No,” Johnny stopped, standing straight. “None of that. I can give you what I want to, and I can withhold what I want to withhold. You don't owe me  _ anything,  _ okay?”

 

Taeil shrugged, “Okay.”

 

“You’re gonna do it anyway, right?”

 

“You know me,” Taeil rolled away and walked to the bathroom, leaving Johnny to think about his proposition. Did he just make an empty promise? Did he just tell Taeil that they can come back to Japan together next Spring when he won't even be here for this Spring? 

  
  


Taeil was positively bouncing, looking for his Yukata. He ran across the room to the cabinet, looking for the robe and when he didn't find it there, he skipped over to the bathroom, all the while not noticing that it's in his hand. “Hyung,” Johnny called out, amused, after a while. Taeil stopped, looking at him innocently. “Hmm?”

 

Johnny gestured towards his hand, making the older look at it. The look of disappointment in Taeil’s face was too funny to even describe: he looked like he wanted to end himself right at that moment. “I need to calm down,” he concluded, padding back to the bathroom to change. 

 

As soon as he closed the door, Johnny took off his own clothes and quickly put on his own Yukata, fearing the walk he and Taeil would have to take on the way to the onsen area. “Johnny,” the older suddenly emerges from the bathroom, making him jump. “Is it gonna be warm on the way to the onsen? Because Yukata is thin and I don't want to die early.”

 

“I seriously hope so,” he chuckled. “But we can just bring our coats just in case.”

 

-

 

They quickly leave for the onsen, mostly propelled by Taeil’s excitement. They walk all the way to the other side of the building and into a hall with a lot of doors. “This feels like a Japanese game show,” Taeil commented as one of the attendants lead them to the furthest door. 

 

When the attendant opened it, they were welcomed by a small room with a traditional tea set on the table and a hall which led to another door, directing them to the onsen area, which was fortunately fenced, but open. 

 

“Oh my, it's open,” Taeil murmured to himself. 

 

Johnny tentatively approached the onsen area, padding across the wooden path, checking the temperature. Despite the initial chill, the bubbling water was only a few steps away and the steam immediately warmed up everything it reached. “It’s fine, hyung, it's warm.”

 

The attendant bows and leaves them, leaving the door open, most probably to allow more of the heat to circulate. The onsen area clearly flowed from natural sources, and was fenced in by bamboo gates, high enough to make sure that they get absolute privacy, but still had an open roof to make sure that they got a view of the night sky. 

 

“It’s a clear night,” Taeil commented, looking up like Johnny is. 

 

“Yeah,” he nodded, observing the beauty of the twinkling stars, unobstructed by city lights. “I was told they check the weather first. It’ll be unavailable if it snowed or rained, and we would only be allowed in the public sento.”

 

Taeil nodded, obviously itching to get into the water. “Dp you want to wash first? I can go in,” Johnny offered, gesturing to the small area by the side where they had to wash first before entering the water.

 

“Please,” Taeil smiled, relieved. It's not like Johnny would have wanted the awkwardness if he had stayed, anyway. “Thank you.”

 

Johnny walked back in, feigning interest in the tea set which apparently  _ did  _ have a hot kettle of tea. He poured a little for himself, sipping quietly, feeling the hot liquid travel not only through his throat but also send warmth throughout his body. Not long after he finished his cup, he heard a small excited yelp from outside before he heard the older call out to him. “Johnny! It's your turn now.”

 

He padded outside, smiling at the image of Taeil submerged in dark water, a relaxed expression taking over his face. “Is it good?”

 

“It’s  _ so  _ relaxing. You need to try this.”

 

He walked over the shower area, and he turned back, and immediately spotted Taeil turning back quickly. “I won’t turn around, don't worry,” Johnny laughed and stripped and showered right away, making sure he finished quick. It wasn't like he hadn't been in a hot bath before, he had gone multiple times in Korea, but it had always been with Yuta and Taeyong who both had no shame when it came to their bodies, and just walked around with their junks hanging out. Johnny wasn't  _ shy  _ per se, he considered himself… Maybe just a little modest. Especially around Taeil. 

 

When he finished, he warned the older. “I’m going into the water now,” Taeil promptly closed his eyes, letting Johnny step into the hot water comfortably. He yelped in surprise, but easily eased into the heat, submerging himself up to his chest. He looked down, thanking God that it was dark enough to conceal his… body parts. “I’m good now,” Taeil opened his eyes, looking at Johnny expectedly. “It’s good, right?”

 

“It is,” he sank further, submerging up to his neck. The water was hot enough to slightly sting but just enough for it not to burn. Everything else outside of that space was obviously cold as balls but the steam was keeping the cold air out. “We’ve been cold, or at least  _ chilly  _ for a few days now.”

 

Taeil splashed around excitedly for quite a while, occasionally dunking his head onto the water, before he eventually sat back and rest his head on the wooden panel behind him. “Youngho?”

 

Johnny's eyes sprang open, surprised at being called through his Korean name. “Hyung?”

 

“Can I ask you a question?” That question never sounded great on anyone's ears. 

 

“Sure,” he answered anyway. 

 

“What do you think about… You know… Me trying to woo Sicheng.”

 

Johnny sat there, at a loss for words. He had always thought about the  _ feeling  _ how it hurt him that Taeil didn't love him back. Taeyong has asked him about how he felt about it, but it was always in the context of him liking Taeil and never in the context of him being a friend to all parties. He decided to be as candid as possible without revealing any of his own, personal feelings. 

 

“It was always difficult to balance for me. Yuta talked to me about what he felt, you know. He looked confident and crass, openly expressive and such, but when it was just the three of us, or just the two of us, he talked to me how perfect Sicheng is to him and how important he is. I was the first one he told that he was falling in love,” Johnny smiled at the memory, Yuta and him had been walking home together. “It was fun to look at him struggle, but eventually it also became painful to watch,” Sicheng struggled about his decision so much to the point that Yuta had to wait for two years for him to finally decide. Yuta never minded the wait, but as a best friend, it was difficult to witness. 

 

“And  _ you  _ told me what you felt, too. You were watching them by the sidelines, you watched Sicheng fall in love with him, but you couldn't say anything. You told me about how you wanted to pursue him but you felt like you didn't have a chance. You told me how you felt like…” Johnny struggled. “How you felt like he was the one and how you didn't think you’re capable of falling in love with someone else,” Looking up at the stars and wondering how pretty they are despite being probably dead was a good distraction for him.

 

“But to me the most important thing was how Sicheng felt, and he told me, I knew,” Taeil glanced at him, surprise painted on his face. “Ever since Sicheng arrived here,” Taeil never looked more betrayed in his life, it almost looked comical. “He’s been smitten with Yuta since the start but he didn't want to go into a relationship right away. He wanted to adjust and settle here first, plus, he didn't know Yuta liked him, too. Of course, he had no idea that you had feelings for him, too.”

 

Taeil looked less affronted, nodding to himself. “It wasn't my story to tell so kept my mouth shut,” he left out the part where he thought he’s the reason for all this mess right now. If he had just told Sicheng about Yuta, and they had gotten together right away, Taeil would have backed away before he fell too deeply.  _ But no,  _ he stood by what he did. Those weren't things that he was allowed to say, those  weren't his information to share. Plus, he couldn't just think of  _ possibly  _ ruining Yuta’s love life without even being sure that his would turn out okay. “I’m sorry,” he apologized for the pain it has caused, though. 

 

“No,” Taeil smiled bitterly. “You did the right thing. You can't just change things just because you knew. It could have ruined things for them.”

 

Johnny nodded. “So I was never very fond of you pursuing him, I knew you’d be heartbroken. I waited for you to let it go, or maybe find someone else, but you never did.” Taeil nodded, understanding. “I hope you'd find someone else, though. Do you still think you’d never fall in love with anyone other than him?”

 

Taeil played with the water, gliding his arms, creating ripples and disrupting the bubbles. “No,” Taeil smiled. “Not anymore.”

  
  
  
  


Just like in Sapporo, the ordered room service for their dinner, but instead of the dark, lazy atmosphere of the previous one, that night they had a noisy, albeit still dark music night. Taeil chose the songs this time, which mostly consisted of western mainstream pop and rnb and Korean bands. They mostly just talked over the songs but in some cases, they did get up and dance, headbang, or just simply jump around. 

 

The songs were obviously slowing down as time went by, going from heavy mainstream rap, to EXO hype songs, now moving onto Korean rock ballad songs. Taeil closed his eyes in exhaustion from all the dancing, and Johnny followed suit. A soft drum beat came in, earning a soft sigh from Taeil. 

 

“Today was a really hard day for you,” Taeil started singing softly, low, clear, and beautiful. “My heart aches for you,” Johnny was familiar with the song as the older listens to it repeatedly in their shared apartment. “The only thing I can do is be right beside you, I’m sorry,” Taeil stood from where he sat, pulling Johnny's arm along, making his eyes flutter open. Taeil pulled him up and close to him, singing “Your smile is so pretty, so everytime you lose that smile,” he put a hand underneath Johnny's jaw, urging him to hold him and sway along with him. “I want to give it back to you.” His height made him wrap his arms around Taeil’s neck this time while Taeil has his arms around his waist as they swayed with the soft beats. 

 

Their foreheads touched, eyes were closed, hearts overflowing, and is made even more beautiful when Taeil sang along. “I want to cry for you, I want to hurt instead of you. I don't want any scars in your heart ever again,” the lyrics were too heavy, too familiar, that Johnny's eyes could not help but water. 

 

They continue that way, swaying and singing, breaths mingling, but their heads have adjusted and now their temples were pressing against each others. When the song reached its bridge, Taeil put a palm over his chest and sang the next lines much quieter. “This is a song for you, I’m singing for you, I’ll give you everything.”

 

They continue that way, swaying and singing until the song changes, but Taeil suddenly moved his head to Johnny's chest. “I’ve noticed,” he suddenly said. “I’m not very observant, but I’ve noticed that something is hurting you. And for some reason, I have this…” he suddenly lets out a heavy exhale. “I have this urge to take it all away, get rid of everything that's hurting you. Just like you got rid of mine.”

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song they danced to at the end is Day6's When You Love Someone ❤️❤️
> 
> Uhhhhh what do you think???
> 
> I wrote this while high on my lung medicine so I'm sorry if there are more mistakes than usual, I'll edit them as soon as I get better.
> 
> Thank you so much for all the love the fic has been receiving lately, JohnIl is criminally underrated but the interactions I've had and the new friends I've gained makes it feel like I've earned 7 milliom kudos 🌻🌼 Yall know who yall are ❤️
> 
> Please leave a comment if you want to, or you can dm me. I don't mind! @choisoftcheol on twt


	15. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sadly, they're back in Korea, and that means a lot of things. please enjoy!

Johnny looked at his ceiling, staring into space, not really thinking of anything in particular. He was enveloped by his thick blanket and his plushies, which were all complete in his bed for the first time in months. It was extremely cold outside, the January breeze always the worst in Korea. He started thinking back to Japan, they’ve been back for around two weeks already and he spent the New Year with Taeyong’s family since Yuta was still in Japan and Taeil went home to spend it with his own. The rest of their time in Japan went perfectly, with him and Taeil going for the slopes, repeatedly face planting into the soft snow, dragged by their heavy clothing. As expected, Johnny picked it up and got used to it faster, however, Taeil was not far behind. He didn’t even have to teach him much. 

 

Eventually, the slopes ceased to be just a mound of snow but the site where he saw Taeil fall on his face for the first time, the site where he could hear his laughter echo when he joked around with the board, making him look constipated, and the site where Taeil kissed him publicly for the first time. Given the fact there wasn’t really  _ anyone  _ there, as far as he knew, it was still  _ outside,  _ enough to be considered public. Their lips were cold and chappy, but he didn’t really mind. 

 

When they started leaving Hokkaido behind, Taeil kept looking back in the car, making it seem like they’re leaving a person and not a place. He kept looking back, an unidentifiable expression on his face. Arriving and entering the airport almost even seemed like a struggle for him and even more when the plane took off and they got a glimpse of snowy Japan for the last time.

 

The place suddenly felt like a dream, too good to be true, but too real to be forgotten. Sometimes he can still envision the soft, warm rays of the sun entering their hotel room in the morning, except now, the sun rays intrude harshly and the incessant beeping of his alarm clock remind him that Japan is over, and he actually has to face the realities of Seoul again. 

 

Taeil groaned beside him, rolling over and elbowing him gently. “Turn it off,” he complained. There was one thing they took back from Japan, though. Johnny instantly smiled reaching to his bedside table to turn his alarm off. It was a little past 8:00 and they both still had plenty of time considering they both only have afternoon classes for the two remaining months. Graduation was fast approaching as well as their final examinations and Johnny had to start studying as early as he can. His recent report showed he dropped two places and if this goes on, he might even drop from the top 10 after the finals, and he can't afford to let that happen. 

 

He looks at Taeil for a while, who had gone back to sleep as soon as the alarm was turned off. He continued seeking comfort with him during the night, crawling onto Johnny's bed when he thinks the other is asleep. He had a tiny smile while he slept, comfortable and dreaming. 

 

His brain suddenly intervened and reminded him not to get too used to this. He was leaving soon and it would be difficult for him to readjust to a life without Taeil beside him. Now that he thought of it, it might be a blessing that Taeil doesn't love him back, that way, it's actually a lot easier for him to go home, go back to America and finally,  _ finally,  _ move on. And that's in less than three months. He sincerely hoped Taeil would be able to move on on his own and finally live the happy life that he completely deserved. Hopefully with someone who will love him more than Johnny does and forever will. 

  
  
  


Johnny's hair must be permanently plastered to his head with all the pressing he had been doing. Leaning extremely close to his books, enough for his nose to almost touching the pages, he had been in the library for what he thought was 7 straight hours, courtesy of his 3 canceled classes. It seemed like the Professors were still in the holiday spirit and weren't ready for class yet. His thesis still needed heavy editing but he also needed to digest his lessons first. 

 

He eventually slumped over his book, massaging his temples urgently, his brain overflowing with information. He felt like he couldn't take any more. He can try editing his thesis but it's not like he has enough brain juice to actually spot mistakes. He jumped back when someone touched his hand, clutching a hand over his chest, only to realize that it was Taeil. He sat beside him quietly, taking out a bottle from his backpack. “You need some water,” he whispered, handing him the bottle. “Did you drink any today?” he leaned down to look at him in the eyes. 

 

Johnny shook his head, “I don't remember honestly.”

 

“Let’s go out, let's eat,” he held onto Johnny's arm, pulling it gently for effect.

 

“I need to finish this,” he glanced at the books piled on the table.

 

“You can continue at home and you can proofread your thesis tomorrow,” he moved his hand to Johnny's back running gentle circles. “You’re gonna do great. You just need to give yourself a break, you’re dehydrated and hungry,” he felt like he was being hypnotized. He had planned the entire day and meals only consisted of instant noodles and vending machine energy bars in his mind, but now, he suddenly feels like eating an entire buffet.

 

He finally exhaled, closing his book, admittedly relieved that he actually had a reason to stop. His head was thumping so hard he can feel his heartbeat against his temple. “I feel kind of nauseous actually, oh my God,” his head tilts too much to the side as he failed to steady himself. “Oh my.”

 

“How long have you been here?”

 

“I don’t know,” he shrugged, forcing his eyes shut, leaning back against the chair. “I’ve been here since I left home. All my classes were canceled.”

 

“Johnny,” Taeil chastised. “You left home at 9.”

 

“Yeah,” he nodded, opening his eyes just to smile at the olders’ annoyed expression. 

 

“It’s 9 pm now,” he clarified, frowning in disapproval. “You’ve been here for 12 hours.”

 

“Wait, are you serious?” He glanced at his watch which  _ did  _ read 9:17 pm. “ _ Twelve hours,”  _ he shook his head, not for any reason really but if it did shake all of his brains’ contents then might as well do it. 

 

“ _ Yes, _ ” Taeil put a hand and his arm and caressed his skin with his thumb. “ _ You need to eat something,”  _ he gave him a small tug, prompting him to grab his bags to leave. “For someone who looks like a basic fuckboy jock with your backward cap, you sure as hell spend most of your time in the library,” Taeil grinned. 

 

“Jocks can be smart and hardworking, too, don’t judge,” he chastised, although he knew Taeil just wanted to lighten up the mood through stereotyping him. 

 

“It’s a joke, Karen,” he hit him on the arm, before standing up and turning around to go first. “Now I really don’t feel like taking care of you anymore,” he scoffed but immediately turned on himself when he clasped the strap of Johnny’s bag when he stood up, quietly asking him where he wanted to eat. 

 

But all Johnny can think of, while Taeil speed-walked behind him, holding on to his backpack straps while he almost dragged him around with his speed and stride, it how perfect it would have been if Taeil just had a skateboard with him. 

  
  
  


Johnny jumped from class to class, barely getting a minute of free time especially that his thesis adviser has scheduled almost every free period that he had for consultations and finalizations of his paper. The still had to make a lot of changes with his findings and change his recommendations based on them and he has about two weeks before his thesis defense. 

 

He had around an hour, however, at around 4 in the afternoon, and he promised to meet up with Taeyong and Yuta who had the rest of their afternoons free. Most of the underclassmen classes were still going on and only Seniors were running around, but most weren’t free to run around and had to deal with graduation shit just like Johnny did. The hallways were deserted but full of life from the simultaneous lectures echoing out and collective murmurs fill the building. Johnny turns to the locker areas only to find Taeil there, sitting gingerly on the floor, leaning against his locker. “Hi,” he smiled tiredly, holding out his hand for Johnny. He tentatively took it, squeezing it gently, before pressing a quick kiss to his knuckles. Taeil sighed, but he still looked beaten up and exhausted. 

 

“Hey, are you okay?” He leaned closer and Taeil looked up at him, still not letting go of each other’s hand. 

 

“I’m just tired,” he frowned. Taeil, unlike them, didn’t have to submit a written thesis because of its level of difficulty considering his condition. However, he was required to build a comparative analysis  _ through music,  _ and if that isn’t difficult, he doesn’t know what else is. “Miss Park made me adjust one variable at the last minute and now I have a whole conclusion to compose,” he frowned, leaning closer to Johnny almost as if he’s seriously considering kissing him  _ in the middle of the hallway. _ Johnny looked around consciously as if to send the message that  _ maybe  _ Taeil doesn’t wanna do it there. But he did lean in to press a kiss on Johnny’s nose. “I’m so tired,” he complained again. “I need to recharge,” this time, Taeil was the one who scanned their surroundings, looking around for anyone who might be watching them, still holding hands.  

 

He then tiptoed, kissing Johnny on the lips, quick but full. “Hmm,” he pretended to consider. “Still low battery,” he frowned, pulling Johnny down ever so gently by his shirt, making him lean down while Taeil met him halfway, arching his head upward to meet lips. It was soft and languid, but again, didn’t last long as he was still obviously on edge about someone seeing them. He pressed one small kiss on the side of his lips before bringing up Johnny’s hand in front of him, prying his palm open. His hands were still shaking, the after-effects of typing too much still hadn’t worn off. Johnny tilted his head, curious as to what Taeil is trying to do. “Are you predicting my future?” he joked, chuckling gently before he was stopped by Taeil’s lips against his wrist. 

 

Johnny froze as he watched Taeil move his lips to press a kiss to the center of his palm. It sent shivers down his spine, and his mind seemed to have shut itself down, unresponsive to the signals he’s trying to send- he needs to react, he can’t make this moment weird. But for some reason, he really can’t react, all he can register is confusion and his erratic heartbeat. He trying so hard not to give this any meaning, he doesn’t want to help Taeil stab further and hurt himself, one knife is enough. He knows he’s a comforting presence for the older, however, and maybe that was what it was, a sort of comforting gesture for the other. To give him, what he apparently wanted, he cupped the older’s chin and scratched it lightly.

 

“We can work together at home,” he suggested. “You can work on your revisions while I work on mine,” he whispered, maybe too close for the spacious hallway. 

 

“I’d like that,” he intertwined their fingers together, smiling softly like he’s making an effort not to grin too widely. 

 

His eyes suddenly widened and he let go of Johnny abruptly, stepping backward. Johnny stood there for a while, confused before a voice came up behind them. “Johnny hyung, Taeil hyung,” Sicheng smiled, albeit almost forcefully, with tight-lipped Yuta in tow. Johnny’s face fell along with his chest, almost like a reflex, but he pulled his features right up into a smile. “Are you also on the way to the cafeteria?” Sicheng asked.

 

“Yeah, we are,” Johnny chirped, reflecting his usual demeanor. “You wanna walk together?”

 

“Sure!”

 

Johnny glanced at Yuta, spotting him throwing worried looks at him. He ignored him and turned to his boyfriend who obviously has something that he was happy about. “You look happy,” he commented and Sicheng beamed even more, proud of himself. “My thesis is finally approved, I’m done,” for someone who other people thought of to be the one who studied the least or the one who  _ looked  _ like he didn’t study much, Sicheng consistently proved that he was the smartest among all of them. Considering the fact that his thesis is in Korean when he just moved here 3 years ago is an obvious indication. He had always topped his classes in China, and his struggles with a fifth language were only minor hurdles for such a smart person. Again, Johnny laments about how no matter how basic it is to kind of dislike your “rivals”, it is a known fact that he is one of Sicheng’s closest, and definitely his first friend, and there was  _ absolutely nothing  _ to dislike about him. Most of the time, he even  _ understands  _ how Taeil prefers Sicheng over him, and he can’t really say anything about it.

 

He can’t afford to ponder on that, though. He’s leaving anyway.

  
  
  


Most of his worries dissolved away as soon as he got squished between his best friends. Both Taeyong and Yuta barraged him with questions about Japan with Taeil supplying some of the information. The conversation was also lengthened as Yuta listed down the things that they should have done and things that they should do next.

 

“You should really go for Kyoto next time,” he nodded earnestly. “Or Osaka,” he shrugged, pretending to be nonchalant. 

 

“Oh my God, I almost forgot!” Sicheng suddenly exclaimed, all the attention turned to him. He reached for his bag and handed Johnny a green leaflet. “Did you know about this?”

 

Johnny looked at the piece of paper, which was an announcement from the Volleyball team. It was for their 25th anniversary, calling to all the previous players from all generations and batches to sign up for a friendly game next week. “It’s just one game,” Sicheng offered kindly. 

 

Taeil reached over the table to hold his arm, squeezing it gently. “You can try it.”

 

Johnny thought about how he missed playing and the exhilaration of the game. He thought about how his knees are now fully healed and can handle just at least one game. But he also thought of how busy he’s going to be for the following week with all the revisions and the studying that he had to do. The exams and the final submissions for their thesis all fell on the same day, plus, he still needed to prepare for his defense. Plus, he hadn’t trained in years.

 

He looked up at everyone, all turned to him, waiting for his response. “Maybe I can try it out.” Everyone immediately beamed, as if it was exactly the answer that they were rooting for. Regionalized conversations then continued around the table. Sicheng animatedly joking around with Ten, Taeil also engaged in a serious conversation about music production with Taeyong, while Yuta told Johnny about his plans to buy a car.

 

“I think it’s a good investment,” he concluded after listing out what he thought was a thorough pros and cons of owning a car. “Plus, I’d look cool in it.”

 

Johnny laughed, nodding along with it. Perhaps he wasn’t the best person to talk about it with since he also has his own urges for things like cars, and maybe that’s also exactly why Yuta is talking to him about it first. “You do you,” he encouraged. “I’m also actually thinking of buying a YZF-R3,” he smiled at the thought of him on top of the R3. He’s been wanting to do it for  _ months  _ but he wanted to put it off for when he goes back to Chicago.

 

“What is that?”

 

“It’s a motorcycle,” both he and Yuta jumped back when Taeil suddenly startled in his seat, clapping a hand on Johnny’s arm and hit him, hard. “No!” Everyone around the table stopped, even the ones from the other tables turned to look at them.

 

Taeil slowly shrunk, shy. He caressed Johnny’s reddening arm gently, apologizing. “Don’t buy a motorcycle,” he shook his head fervently. “They’re death machines,” surprisingly, Sicheng and Taeyong nodded along. “In 2013, 93 percent of fatal traffic accidents were through motorcycles,” he recited as if he’s had the information memorized. Chuckling, mostly by surprise, Johnny nodded. “I’ll think about it.”

 

The whole thing opened a whole conversation about traffic accidents which obviously made Taeil very squeamish. Eventually, everyone around the table concluded that if Johnny really wanted a vehicle, he should just go for a car. Johnny nodded, still puzzled about Taeil’s pale face and obvious disconcertment. 

  
  
  


It was snowing again and they had to enforce the roof over the balcony but it was too cold for them to stay out. The temperature had continuously decreased throughout the day and now he’s positive that the temperature has turned negative outdoors. He and Taeil sat by the sliding door that separates the room and the balcony, looking out at the bare branches of the camphor tree, decorated only by snowflakes. Taeil had his legs stretched out in front of him, his feet on both sides of Johnny’s hips while the younger folded himself in half, resting his cheek against his knee.

 

“Did you mean it?” Taeil suddenly spoke up.

 

Johnny looked up, still hugging his knees. “Mean what?”

 

“You won’t buy the motorcycle, right?” he clarified.

 

“It was just a passing thought,” he lied. “I’m sure my mom wouldn’t let me, either way. She also thinks it’s very dangerous.”

 

“It is,” he stated firmly. He skirted forward, and nearer, managing to wrap his legs, but not completely, around Johnny as he touched his arms. “That nightmare I had in Hokkaido,” he whispered, figuring he was near enough. “I told you, you died, right?” Johnny nodded. “It was a motorcycle accident,” he frowned. “It’s still so clear in my mind, it felt  _ so real,”  _ he shivered, closing his eyes to force the thoughts out. He looked up to look at Johnny’s face, filled with adoration.

 

“Your face,” he paused. “It was the only part of you that wasn’t ruined. You had one scratch, that’s all.”

 

“That’s good, then,” Johnny chuckled but held it in as soon as he spotted the tears threatening to fall.

 

“But your left arm was falling off, your legs were bent at an awkward angle, and in my dream, what killed you were your ribs. Eight of them were fractured and punctured your lungs.” Johnny groaned, imagining his own body at such disrepair. “Your left hand was fine, though. And I held onto it while I convinced myself to wake up.”

 

“Good thing it was a dream,” he reminded, running a hand through Taeil’s hair, sensing how uncomfortable it made him.

 

“Good thing it was a dream,” he nodded, leaning a forehead against Johnny’s knee. “Although I didn’t mind the rest of it.”

 

Johnny asked what that meant, but Taeil wouldn’t tell him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you've read my other johnil fic, Good Night, My Love, then you'd be familiar with the references I've made in this chapter woohoo
> 
> did you enjoy this? i think it's another chapter of nothing, though, is this really how slow-builds go oh my god. this is actually my first time doing a slow build, at the 30k mark i'm usually done but this is pushing 40k and i still haven't reached the climax yet oh mah gah
> 
> is this doing fine, guys? please tell me what you think
> 
> thank you for taking the time to read!


	16. Chapter 15

Johnny sat alone at the 4th floor lounge again, casually reviewing one of his books while he waited for everyone else. He couldn’t focus that much though, he just got off the phone with his mom who couldn’t stop expressing her excitement about their reunion. “Dad will probably fare better when he sees you.” Aside from the fact that he absolutely missed Chicago and his parents, his father has had to take a leave of absence from work and he has been confined to his bed since, consistently sick. It was nothing terminal, but it was chronic enough to incapacitate him. He’d been sick for almost a year now, and he  _ knew  _ he needed to go home as soon as possible.

 

He kept on reading the same lines over and over again, absentmindedly delaying his inevitable decision. His laptop was opened in front of him, with the cursor over the “Book” button, finalizing a one-way flight to Chicago. If he clicked this, there’s no turning back. Once he leaves, he probably isn’t coming back. His finger hovered over the touchpad, taking one last breath before finally pressing it, confirming his flight for the 12th of March. Exactly two months from that day. He had exactly 59 days before he had to leave. He immediately shut his laptop, willing himself to forget about it.  _ Why is he even agonizing about this?  _ The moment he stepped into Korea, he knew he was going home. The day he met Taeil, he knew he was going home eventually. When they went to Japan, he knew he only had a few months to stay. Nothing changed about the fact that he’s just there to finish college, and he’s supposed to take over the music division of the marketing and advertising company his parents owned so he can train to take over. 

 

His train of thought was cut off when a head poked out from one the corners. It was Jaehyun. “Johnny, you’re here, I’ve been looking for you,” he smiled, panting slightly.

 

“You were?” he asked conversationally, gesturing to the seat across him, offering Jaehyun to sit down.

 

“Yeah,” he nodded shyly. “I kind of, uhh… need your help,” his ears immediately turned red and he hung his head.

 

“Sure, what is it? As long as it isn’t financial, then I’m completely fine with that.”

 

Jaehyun snapped straight, shaking his head. “No! No, nothing like that,” he smiled shyly, brandishing his deep dimples. “I wanted to confess…” For a second, Johnny’s blood pressure spiked and he was instantly nervous, before he remembered that this was probably for Doyoung and not him. “And Doyoung is very special to me, I don’t want to be something half-assed. I want to do it for real. Plus, I wanna do it on his birthday.”

 

Johnny smiled widely, genuinely happy for Jaehyun. “You’re finally doing it, huh?” Considering the way his eyes followed Doyoung when they were still together, it was a surprise that he’s only acting on it now. Jaehyun blushed deeply. “When were still… you know…” he gestured around awkwardly.

 

“Dating?” Johnny supplied.

 

“Yeah, that,” he chuckled awkwardly. “You weren’t in love with me but you managed to be super romantic. How did you do it? I mean, what am I supposed to do?”

 

Feeling this exact thing is right up his alley, and considering he will never be able to act on the confession he’d been planning ever since he met Taeil, he decided to just bless other people with it. “There’s this gazebo by the lake,” he started.

 

“Like in Twilight?” Jaehyun grimaced.

 

“Yes, like in Twilight, Jung Jaehyun. Judge me when you can come up with an idea of your own,” he said jokingly. “We can prepare fairy lights around the place, some music, and maybe a rose petal path,” Johnny mumbled as he drew on one of his scratch papers. Jaehyun watched the paper the whole time.

 

“This is really good, Johnny,” he took the paper and stared at it. “Doyoung can pretend like he’s annoyed and that he thinks it’s corny but he’s going to  _ love this, _ ” he beamed, staring at the paper more. However, footsteps and talking suddenly filled the hall and he quickly folded the paper, shoving them into his own bag. “I’ll take this, is that okay?” he whispered urgently.

 

“You want me to help out?” he suddenly offered. Jaehyun paused, staring at him dumbfoundedly. 

 

“You’d do that?” he stared in disbelief, but he just nodded. If he was giving away his confession, he might as well contribute to it. Plus, he wanted viewing rights to the whole thing. Jaehyun reached over to squeeze his hand just as Taeyong and Taeil walked into the lounge. “Thank you so much,” he started to stand as the two boys walk nearer, observing the exchange. “I’ll see you, okay?” he greeted Taeil and Taeyong as he walked away, an additional spring in his step.

 

Taeyong stared at Jaehyun’s retreating back curiously, then back at Johnny. “Jung Jaehyun?” he asked incredulously, sitting down across Johnny while Taeil walked around the tables to sit beside him. “Are you getting back together?” he asked.

 

Johnny scoffed, they were going the furthest from getting back together. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  
  
  


For the third time that week, Johnny arrived home late. He stayed in school until 6 to  _ finally  _ submit the hardbound copy of his thesis. He then had to rush to a short mini-training with some of the seniors he played with who were joining the anniversary game, and had to meet Jaehyun for dinner to plan his surprise for Doyoung further. When he crept inside the house, it was dark, and light only came out through the cracks from Taeil’s door. He was doing such a good job at tiptoeing, but the other door opened suddenly, revealing a very surprised Taeil. “Hey,” he had a headband around his forehead, his face clear, clean, and very pretty. “Did you eat already?”

 

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I already ate with Jaehyun.”

 

“Oh,” he nodded, expression unreadable. “Well, you should go rest now.”

 

“Yeah, I’m tired,” Taeil went to the kitchen quietly and Johnny stared for a little too long before he finally went in his room.

  
  
  


Johnny sat and minimally stretched by the benches while they waited for one set to finish. Because of the number of alumnis who signed up for the anniversary game, three sets had to be divided to three sets of players. Some of his seniors in the team played first, while the others were in the same set with him. His long hair fell all around his face but he just let it, knowing that no bandana can keep his wild hair from getting messed up again. Someone poked him from the back, and when he turned, it was Jaehyun, stretched over the railings, his upper body extended as far as it can, why he held out a bottle of water from him.

 

“Hey, you’re here!” he smiled, taking the bottle gratefully.

 

“Yeah,” he asked Johnny to come nearer. “Doyoung’s here, too,” he smiled connivingly. For the past few days, they’ve been arguing about the rose path. Jaehyun thinks it’s too much while Johnny thinks it’s perfect. To solve things like normal adults, they did a bet. If Johnny scores through blocks more than 3 times, they’ll add in the rose path, if not, no rose path.

 

“I will get those three blocks, Jung Jaehyun,” he jokingly threatened.

 

“I want you to win but I hope you don’t get them through blocks,” he tried to retaliate but failed, making Johnny laugh. He sometimes couldn’t understand how he and Jaehyun didn’t work out, but now, glancing up at Doyoung who kept on shooting sharp stares at him, he knew that even though he and Jaehyun were so compatible, the heart wants what the heart wants. Which made him glance towards Doyoung’s side, spotting Taeil who gave him a tiny wave. “You should go back,” he whispered to Jaehyun. “If we talk longer I’m afraid Doyoung might climb my balcony at night and kill me in my sleep,” Jaehyun laughed heartily for one last time, patting Johnny’s arm before he went back up the bleachers.

 

It wasn’t long before the second set was done and Johnny was finally up. Johnny had professionals in his team, and 1 was a collegiate MVP before, so he was surprised when he was tasked to take care of the blocks. Throughout the game, his knee didn’t seem to have a problem despite all the jumping that he had to do. During the first few plays, he had consistently blocked successfully but the other team also consistently succeeded in saving the plays. In one of the instances where one set was meant for him he had hit accurately and hard, and the other teams’ libero, had to dig so quickly to deflect it but his teammates mismanaged his save. He laughed in relief, going under the net to shake his hand good-naturedly. Seungjun was the one who trained him to be a libero when he was a freshman and it was no surprise that he was still as good as ever. His attention, however, was immediately taken by the loud cheers from his friends. They were all there: Yuta and Sicheng were sitting together as well as Ten and Taeyong, holding a banner that sad “JOHNNY HITZ MAJOR BALLZ” and he has no doubt that Taeyong made it. The higher rows of bleachers had Jaehyun, Doyoung, and Taeil sitting beside each other. They were all clapping, except Taeil did a heart with his arms and his eyes glued up to the monitor and not at the court. He waved and smiled at them, causing all of them to shout and cheer louder. He promptly took his attention back to the game as the referee blows his whistle to signal another play.

 

Johnny got even more fired up, scoring twice more through blocks while he was at the front row. His friends’ screams were so loud he heard Sicheng scream, choke, then cough. He couldn’t help but laugh and think, when he leaves he isn’t just gonna miss Taeil. He’s gonna miss  _ this.  _ His gonna miss Korea, he’s gonna miss his friends. 

  
  
  


The day ended with his adrenaline still pumping through him, dinner with all of his friends, and a successful bet with Jaehyun. “It’s gonna be tomorrow, do you wanna get the flowers?” He teased. But it really was the day after and he can smell Jaehyun’s nerves. 

 

“Can I do this?” He asked in a low voice, just as everyone talked loudly over them, collecting the payments around the table. “What if he says no?”

 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he scoffed. “Let’s just do it according to plan and you won’t have any regrets.”

 

“I hope you’re right.”

  
  
  


On their way home, Jaehyun told Doyoung to walk with the others first as he walked the other way with him and Taeil. “There’s a flower shop right up this road,” he pointed to one of the shops, whispering to make sure Taeil doesn’t overhear. They continue to talk quietly as the cold breeze made them shiver. “How are we gonna survive tomorrow?” Jaehyun asked through his clattering teeth. “Is it gonna be this cold tomorrow?”

 

“We’re doing it earlier, it’s gonna be fine,” Johnny assured, slowly noticing that Taeil’s hand is holding onto his sleeve. Slowly, the hand took his and put it inside the pocket of his hoodie. He glanced over, but the older just had a neutral expression, as if he doesn’t have Johnny’s left hand clasped around his inside his jacket. 

 

They both waited outside the shop as Jaehyun bought the roses, 3 dozens of them in a whole simple packaging, and handed them over to Johnny right when he came out. “Are you okay with carrying this? You’re sure?” He curiously glanced at Johnny’s unavailable left hand. 

 

“Yeah, it’s fine it isn’t heavy. Plus, the car is just parked near here it won’t be such a chore,” he assured. “Are you sure you don’t want us to drop you off?”

 

“No, I have to catch up to them. I’m pretty sure Doyoung will be waiting for me at the platform, he might be cold,” he smirked at Jaehyun, kicking him lightly.

 

“Bye,” he walked away. “And thank you so much. And Taeil hyung, bye,” Taeil smiled and waved with his little hand. 

 

“He’s nice,” he commented before turning and dragging Johnny with him. 

  
  


Johnny excitedly rushed into the house, immediately looking for the small box that he intended for the rose petals. He changed very quickly before rushing back to the living room, sitting on the living room floor and tuning onto an American sitcom while he plucked the petals one by one. The thorns had already been removed so it wasn’t very difficult to do. Each petal fell prettily onto the box as he methodically disconnected them from their stalks. 

 

Taeil eventually came out of his room, glancing curiously at him. “What are you doing?” He asked, his hair messy and pushed up because of his headband, making him look like he just touched one of those static balls as strands of hair stuck out in all directions. Johnny smiled at how cute he looked like. “Why are pulling apart the flowers Jaehyun gave you?”

 

“It’s for something,” he stated vaguely, but the older seemed to accept it. 

 

Taeil walked over tentatively before sitting on the couch behind him. He pulled his legs upward and watched the sitcom with Johnny quietly. After a while, he cleared his throat. “Did you get back together?”

 

Johnny couldn’t process the question properly. “Huh?”

 

“You and Jaehyun?” He supplied. 

 

“What do you mean?” He stopped removing the petals, tilting his head up to look at Taeil. 

 

“Well, you’ve been seeing each other a lot lately, going out, and now, the flowers,” he pointed out. Johnny wanted to laugh, but considering the things that the older had just pointed out, it really did seem like they did. Even Taeyong thought so. 

 

“No, we didn’t,” he chuckled, going back to plucking the petals off. “I’m gonna tell you, but promise you won’t tell anyone.”

 

Taeil’s eyes were raised in interest, suddenly scooching forward until Johnny was between his legs, still looking up at him. “He’s gonna confess to Doyoung tomorrow and I’m helping him out,” Taeil took a moment before his eyes shot open and his mouth formed a big ‘O’. “Doyoung? Our Doyoung?”

 

“Yeah,” he nodded quickly, satisfied by Taeil’s reaction. “We’ve been planning this for quite some time now. Jaehyun wanted to keep it a secret.” Taeil nodded in understanding, smiling even wider. “What are you planning to do about the flowers, then?”

 

“It’s gonna be a flower path,” he proudly gestures to the box of petals. “It’s like the promise, you know, that you’ll make sure the person you love walks the flower path,” he explained. Taeil chuckled, leaning over Johnny’s shoulder to take one rose. He was  _ so  _ unintentionally close and he temporarily forgot to breathe. When he moved away, he was weirdly breathing heavily. They hadn’t kissed in weeks and to deny that he got kind of worried that Taeil figured things out would be a lie. 

 

“That’s cheesy,” he commented but plucked some of the petals himself and threw them to the box. “But if someone went through so much effort just to confess to me, I might really find it endearing.” For a split second, Johnny seriously considered telling him that this idea was originally for him, but he decided against it. There’s no point. 

 

“Why did you help him?”

 

“I just wanted to,” he shrugged. “He’s been in love with Doyoung for so long, even while we were dating.”

 

“And you?” Taeil asked quietly. 

 

“I was never in love with Jaehyun,” he stated simply. 

 

“That’s not what I meant,” he muttered, not taking his eyes off the TV. “Were you also in love with someone else while you were dating?”

 

Johnny stayed quiet, fearing the direction of their conversation. Eventually he spoke up. “I started dating to get over someone,” he smiled bitterly. “Didn’t work, though. You apparently can’t just start dating someone else to move on,” Taeil hummed, throwing a bunch of petals onto a box. 

 

“But do you think you can move on through falling in love with someone else?”

 

Johnny’s heart is in his throat and it can feel it to his toes. “There’s no can or cannot. If you fall in love, then you are. There’s nothing else you can really do about it.”

 

“How do you know?”

 

“I honestly have no idea.”

 

They continue in silence for a while before Taeil’s hands rest on his shoulders, slowly traveling to his neck, caressing the sensitive skin under his ear. “Who’s that?” He whispered near Johnny’s ear, pointing to the screen. 

 

“That’s Rosa,” his breath hitches when Taeil’s hand go to his throat and touched his Adam’s apple. “She’s a tough cop,” he tried his best to continue. Taeil suddenly pulled him back against his legs, tilting his head upward. Taeil leaned down and press a soft kiss against his lips, his forehead touching Taeil’s neck while they kissed Spiderman style. He immediately pulled away slightly. “You did so good today,” he pressed a softer and a longer kiss before breaking away again. “You always look exponentially handsome when you’re playing. Maybe because you’re obviously having so much fun,” the words ghosted his lips, their breaths against each other’s skin, and Johnny can’t dare to open his eyes, just in case it’s a dream. Taeil still had his hands on his chin, and he still hadn’t stopped caressing it. 

 

“Thank you for being there,” he whispered back. Taeil leaned back down to kiss him again, this time with a newfound intensity and almost a hint of desperation. His mouth still tastes like his mint toothpaste and had never been more eager before. Johnny reached up around Taeil’s head, angling their heads to deepen the kiss, and the older spared no time before his tongue softly teases the youngers’. Taeil pulled away suddenly, but not without pulling Johnny almost harshly by the arm. “Come here,” he rasps. Johnny immediately climbed the couch and leaned back against it when Taeil pushed him lightly, movement still quick and fervent. He started climbing over him and immediately went back to his lips, pressing so firmly that Johnny couldn’t help but tilt his head back, groaning low in his throat.

 

“It’s escalating again,” Johnny panted when the broke apart for a while. Taeil immediately paused, panting and out of breath. “You’re right,” he nodded. He smirked before slowly leaning towards Johnny, leaning his forehead against his. “We have all night.”

  
  
  


After everything, Jaehyun still didn’t let Johnny snoop during the surprise so he just came by their house to pick up the box that afternoon. “Are you sure you don’t need help?”

 

“I’m sure,” Jaehyun nodded. “I wanna give this my all.”

 

“Dude, seriously, good luck,” he called out as he walked away. 

 

“If he says yes, you’ll be the best man at our wedding I promise you,” he called back, joking. 

 

“Bold of you to assume Doyoung will ever marry you.” Jaehyun laughed one last time before driving away. 

 

He walked back into the house and into his room, crawling beside Taeil who was still knocked out, wearing his shirt and nothing else. For someone who has 39 days remaining, he sure is making a lot of questionable decisions. Maybe it was finally time to tell them. Taeil still needed to move somewhere and he still needed to help him look for one. For everyone...maybe he should. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can interpret that last bit on your own,,, hehehehehehehe
> 
> what do you think of this chapter?? please tell me what you think! you can leave a comment or contact me directly
> 
> thank you so much for reading this!!! ❤️❤️❤️


	17. Chapter 16

Johnny still had his eyes closed, heart drumming erratically as his final grades apparently reflected on the screen. He clicked on the link but he didn’t look, too scared of what he might see. Forcing one last deep breath, he slowly opened his eyes and panned down at his grades. 

 

Undergraduate Thesis — PASSED

 

He exhaled loudly in relief, the feeling flooded his bloodstreams and he instantly relaxed. He knew that he had  _ at least  _ passed all of his subjects and that this means he is already eligible for graduation. His eyes scanned lower, smiling wider and wider as his grades revealed to be higher than his previous ones. However, his blood ran cold when he saw the last box. 

 

Overall Rank— 11th

 

11th?  _ Fucking 11th?  _ After all the sleepless nights? His grades improved! What do they mean by  _ eleventh?  _ Was someone playing a practical joke in on him right now? His heartbeat drummed again, and negative thoughts re-entered his brain. Ever since he had started college, he had never dropped out from the Top 10. What if this was final? What if his grades were locked? What if this was just a mistake? He was just in the Top 3 during the first semester, and his grades were even better now compared to those. Dread filled his lungs. All his efforts, all his hard work, all flushed down the drain. It was bad enough that he didn’t choose the American business school like his parents wanted him to, now he didn’t even make it to the top? He had a lot of respect for Korean schools, they are one of the few countries who had such rigorous curricula but to be very honest, but Americans don’t.  Americans had a certain  _ impression  _ of Japanese schools, but they didn’t see Korean schools as anywhere near their Ivy League ones. He envisioned it, he knew that it would become harder for him. This is why he worked so hard to stay on the top because he knew if he was  _ up there  _ his future colleagues could at least move past the fact that he had  _ every _ opportunity to attend an Ivy League school but he didn’t take them and chose some random Asian university instead. Sure, it was the most prestigious in Korea and many other Asian countries recognized its prominence but the west was  _ different. _

 

Johnny started getting anxious, wondering if he should ask his block adviser about it. He always worked hard for good scores, but he was never one of those negotiators who did every single extra credit activities and classes just to top. He always accepted his grades graciously. However this time, he felt like he couldn’t stay put. He texted his professor, asking her about his rank and if she knew anything about what happened to it. 

 

He waited and waited, but she didn’t answer. Thinking she might just be busy, he pushed the thought out of his mind and went back to watching a movie to distract himself. He didn’t get too far, however, when his phone started ringing. It was his mom, and he isn’t quite sure if he was ready to talk to her just yet. He considered it for a while, but the obedient child in him couldn’t help and he answered his phone. 

 

“Hi, mom,” he forced to make his voice sound chirpy, adamant that his mother shouldn’t hear the worry and anxiety in his voice. 

 

“Hello, my son,” she said in her usual soft voice, but the strain was obvious. “Are you doing well?” Something about the sound of his mother’s caring voice sent a painful pang in his chest, making him choke up. He kept it in, though, it was apparent that his mother needed him right now more than he needed her. 

 

“Yeah, mom, I am. How about you?” He asked, equally gentle. At his question, he could hear his mother sniffle on the other end and her voice shook. It was almost too much for him to handle. There was nothing more painful in the world than hearing your mother cry. “Hey, are you okay? What’s up?” He inquired again, determined about easing her pain. 

 

“I’m tired, baby, I’m just  _ so tired,”  _ she sobbed, and the sound itself made him choke up again, and he felt like he was going to cry with her. “Dad is getting worse, we’re back in the hospital,” she sniffed. Johnny felt guilty about leaving his mom behind and even more guilty when he remembered that he even  _ hesitated  _ coming home. Can’t he see it? His parents were there, waiting for him. When he takes over, his mom can finally forget about one thing that bothers her: she can finally focus on her husband while Johnny takes care of the company. “I just got home, he seemed fine, he was even sitting up. We were just talking, he seemed so much better, but then, he started gagging, and then he threw up,” her breath hitched. “It was blood, Johnny, so much blood,” Johnny held in his breath, the visual was almost too much for him to handle. “I thought I was going to lose your dad,” she started crying again, partly from relief, partly from worry. 

 

“Hang tight, mom,” he assured, tears falling from his own eyes. “I’m coming home, okay? I booked a flight last week, in a month, I’ll be home. Just a little bit more, okay?” He can hear her nodding from the other end. “When I come back, I’ll help you. With any way that I can, you can quit, I’ll handle the rest.”

 

“Yes,” she was still crying, it felt like it came from the gut and Johnny felt weak listening to her sobs. “I’ll wait for you, darling. Thank you very much.”

 

“I love you, mom,” he whispered gently. 

 

“I love you, too, baby. I’ll see you soon.”

 

“Yes, mom. I’ll see you soon,” when his mother hung up, emotions flooded him once again. Helplessness, guilt, regret, and ultimately, sadness and confusion. He cried into his palms, his heart breaking for his mother. His mother who did nothing but put him first, his mother who supported him the entire way, even when his path led him away from them. 

 

Another call forced him to stop. It was his adviser. He exhaled slowly, then inhaled deeply, calming himself before taking the call. 

 

“Johnny?”

 

“Hi, Miss Han,” he greeted politely. 

 

“Is this a bad time?” She could probably sense that there was something wrong with his voice. 

 

“Yeah, it’s fine, I have a bit of a cold but I’m fine,” he lied. 

 

“Johnny… I don’t know how to tell you this…” just by the tone of her voice and her choice of words, he already knew that his rank was final. His heart dropped even more if that was even possible. “Your grades improved so much, but everyone else’s did, too,” she explained in a gentle but firm tone, sending the message that she would do and offer nothing to influence his rank. It’s not like he would have asked for it anyway. “Johnny, you already know it yourself, you’re not…” he hesitated in front of the truth. 

 

“As smart as the rest,” he finished for her, defeated. 

 

She sighed heavily, “You maintained your standing because the others weren’t trying, but this is the finals, even the laziest people  _ tried  _ and it just… showed,” she exhaled again. “I’m really sorry, I knew you did your best.”

 

Johnny nodded, defeated. “Thank you, Miss Han,” he slumped against his chair before hanging up. He looked up at his ceiling, willing himself not to cry even more. But eventually, his day had defeated him. All of it had become too much. And he let himself cry. He supported his head with his hand, leaning forward to let himself let go. His heart had been too heavy for too long now, too fucking long. All he’s allowed himself was to cry for others and to tear up a little. It has been so long since he has allowed himself to cry for him. It has been so long since he has let himself miss his parents completely. It has been so long since he let himself realize his mediocrity. And it has been so long since he has had let the fact that he would probably leave the country with a broken heart sink in. 

 

He cried and cried, determined to dry himself up, to make sure he can sleep it all off, and wake up the next day and be strong again. But at that moment, he let himself. He focused on his pain so much that he didn’t even notice Taeil come into his room. It was only when a hand touched his elbow that he did. He gasped, startled, his face still marred by tears and snot, evidently ugly and a mess. 

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he apologized right away, observing him while he hastily wiped his tears and snot away. 

 

“What is it?” He smiled, but he hiccuped erratically, making Taeil frown. “Do you need help with anything?” His voice broke as his tears threaten to spill again. Taeil reached for him with both arms outstretched, enveloping him in a tight hug. Taeil was still standing up and he was sitting, so he got to bury his face in his soft stomach while he caressed the back of his head gently. “What’s wrong?” He asked quietly. With the question, Johnny’s heart immediately flooded again, overwhelming him with the presence of another person. He sobbed against the front of Taeil shirt as he reached back to clutch to his shirt tightly as he was wracked with heavy, painful sobs. 

 

“Oh, baby,” Taeil sighed, running his hand over his back repeatedly in an attempt to comfort him. He kept on crying against his shirt, each sob more heartfelt than the last. 

 

“Taeil hyung,” he sobbed against his shirt. 

 

“I’m here, I’m here,” he whispered back, voice shaking. 

 

“It hurts,” he mumbled, not expecting that voicing it out only made it more real. 

 

“What’s hurting you?” He asked. Johnny felt wetness against his collarbone, but it was a while before he realized that Taeil was crying, too. He pulled away and looked up at the older’s tear-smeared face. Tears fell from his eyes as wiped Johnny’s away. “Tell me what’s hurting you. I want to take it away…  _ please, _ ” He held Johnny’s face tightly in his hands, wiping every tear that fell from his eyes. 

 

Johnny considered telling him, but he realized that it was too stupid. He shook his head. “Tell me, please,” Taeil coaxed. 

 

“No, it’s stupid,” he denied. Leaning his forehead against Taeil’s stomach while the other still both arms slung over his shoulder. 

 

“If it made you this sad, then it isn’t stupid to me,” he said firmly, almost as if he was angry. “Nothing is stupid if it hurts you.”

 

He considered for a while, hesitating. And then he told him. He told him about how his academic mediocrity had finally fallen through and failed him, he told him about his father, his condition, and his mother, and her sacrifice. He told him about his guilt, and his father’s condition but mentioned nothing about him moving back home. He would sometimes cry while he spoke, and Taeil would always have his arms around him, ready to comfort. He looked up at him, face pained and frowning, and refocused on his thumb, gently caressing circles against his neck, offering him kind words and telling him he will always be there for him. And he decided: this should be it. He shouldn’t delay it any longer. Before his involvement with Taeil gets any more intense and before it becomes destructive, he needs to tell him—tell them that he’s leaving. 

  
  
  


Johnny bounced his knee while everyone else around the table engaged in a noisy conversation about which soccer teams were better. Most of them weren’t completely into sports except Yuta but Taeyong always got fired up especially when it came to national pride. He couldn’t focus on the entertaining banter, however, as he continued figuring out how to tell them. How does he start? How should he say it? Taeil put a hand over his thigh, patting it gently to calm him down. 

 

His problem was instantly solved, however, when Ten turned to him to ask, “How about you? What are your post-graduation plans?” Johnny startled as every head turned towards him.

 

He took a deep breath before talking. “I plan to go home,” Taeyong immediately grinned, clapping him on the back. “Good for you, how long has it been? You must miss America,” to be honest, he didn’t. Seoul was in every way perfect for him and although he grew up in Chicago, it had never come close to how comfortable he became in Korea. “How long are you staying?” Doyoung took a sip of his wine, immediately groaning in disgust as soon as the taste exploded in his tongue. 

 

He took one last scan of everyone’s interested, fond faces before it was sure to change. “I’m moving back there permanently,” the hand on his thigh immediately froze and everyone fell silent. 

 

“What do you mean permanently?” Sicheng inquired, careful. 

 

“I mean, when I leave for Chicago, I would probably stay there and not come back.”

  
  
  
  


Taeil stayed silent the entire ride home, but it wasn’t tense. He didn’t look at Johnny, but he didn’t avoid him either, he just seemed… somber. He thanks Johnny quietly for the ride before he went into the house first. Johnny followed him in, pausing as he hung his keys and removed his shoes. We watched as Taeil goes into his own room without acknowledging him again. 

 

He was worried, he thought about dinner while he prepared for bed. The reactions of his friends were hesitant, but eventually, they said that they should have expected it. “You already told us when we were freshmen that you’d need to go home,” Taeyong smiled. 

 

“I think we had just forgotten that you eventually have to leave,” Yuta added. 

 

He lay on his bed, thinking about Taeil and his reaction. He didn’t look at him that much for fear that he might not like the reaction, whether it would be disappointment or even relief. He didn’t say anything about it and he couldn’t really read what was going on inside his mind and he kept a composed expression the entire time. He was thinking so much he thought he might not even fall asleep that night. 

 

It was almost 3 am when his door opened and Taeil quietly crept inside and climbed his bed, probably assuming that he was asleep. The older went under the covers then quietly sneaked his arms around him, hugging him from behind. His arms went over Johnny’s and settled there. 

 

“Hyung?” Johnny whispered over the darkness. 

 

“Hey,” he whispered back, surprised. “Did I wake you?”

 

“No.”

 

They were both quiet for a while, both not choosing to say anything more. It felt strange that someone as small as Taeil was making him the small spoon, but something about being held like that comforted him from the inside out. “I understand and I support you,” he suddenly whispered against his back. “You need to go home to your mom and dad.” Johnny smiled sadly, knowing that even though he has this support, it’s still signaling the start of the end. “Promise you’ll still keep in touch, and come back when you can,” he whispered heavily, forming his hand to extend his pinky, poking against his own hand under the blankets. “Promise,” Johnny held out his own pinky and interlocked it with Taeil’s. 

 

“I’ll miss you, though,” he added. Johnny’s chest pounded. Is there even the  _ slightest  _ possibility that Taeil could return his feelings? Can he ever know? Should he ever? Feeling his arms around him and his lips against his clothed back, he considered it very intently. Should he ask?

 

“Hyung?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Can we go for dinner soon? I need to ask you something,” he almost stammered, unsure of his decision. 

 

“I can’t tomorrow, but I’m free on Saturday,” he nodded against his back. 

 

“Saturday it is,” he confirmed. “Good night, hyung.”

 

“Good night, Johnny.” 

  
  


Dinner was over which went smoothly except for a small cameo by terse-looking Yuta and Sicheng. The couple looked serious which they rarely were, constantly teasing each other and laughing in their own world. The two just passed by their table before they walked out without a word to each other. Johnny stared after them but Taeil didn’t seem to notice. 

 

The coldest week was finally over and they were inching towards Spring weather so they decided to ditch the car altogether and just walk to the bus stop. “You needed to ask me something, what was it?” The dark road, illuminated only by streetlights defined the mood and Taeil spoke quietly. He turned, facing Johnny and walked backward. 

 

“Hey that’s dangerous,” Johnny reached over to stop him but Taeil just took his hand, still walking backward. “You can stop me from falling,” he smiled. “Seriously, what it is it?”

 

Johnny agonized over his decision, should he really ask? Should he really risk it? What if he just wants back home, he and Taeil can still be friends, not knowing if everything from the past few months and meaning or not. But he thinks he can’t handle not knowing, either. Can he really just go back home  _ without  _ knowing? Can he really live with that? If he wants to go back home and move on in the process, he might as well have his closure.

 

“Taeil,” he breathed out. “What is this?”

 

“What do you mean?” he slowed down, equally nervous because of Johnny.

 

“What are we doing? What are we?” Taeil froze, dread filling his expression. And just like that, he let go of his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it starts now,, i've been so excited to write the next chapters for MONTHS and i finally get to write it and get right into it jsflkjdfl because of my excitement you might not have to wait too long for the next chapter
> 
> what did you think of this chapter? please tell me what you think! you can comment or DM me on twitter
> 
> thank you very much for reading!


	18. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains point of view changes

“What are we doing? What are we?” he finally asked, taking all the courage in him that he didn’t even know he had. Taeil stopped, frozen on the spot, he let go of his hand, apprehension written all over his face.

 

“I- we-” he stammered, looking for a way to answer him. Taeil’s breath came in short pants, obviously nervous. “I’m sorry, I-” He looked around him, maybe looking for the right words to say, to not break his heart. But the problem is, he already had, he already did. Did he not know what the consequences would be? But of course, Johnny couldn’t be blameless, too. When Taeil asked for that second kiss, and the third, and all that came after it, he consented. When the kissing had been brought to bed and further, he consented. He allowed this to happen. “I-” he was stopped by his phone ringing, and much to Johnny’s disappointment, he took one look at the caller ID and answered it right away.

 

“Sicheng?” Taeil turned away, and Johnny’s heart dropped to the floor, but he tried his best not to show it. “Are you okay?” Johnny just stood there, mostly thinking about he managed to continue standing then and there when he felt like all the energy in his body had been drained out of him. The ache in his heart went straight and deep, almost as if he’s feeling it physically. There’s actual sharp pain in his chest. He tried to focus, thinking that these kinds of pain are just psychological, but how could it be when he can feel it in his chest? Still, he waited there. Stood there, clinging to that one glimmer of hope that Taeil,  _ for the first time in his life,  _ might choose him.

 

Taeil hung up and looked up apologetically at Johnny, and by then he knew.

 

“Sicheng… he- he needs me,” his voice almost came out as a whisper. Johnny wanted to be angry, he really did. He wanted to scream, he wanted to break down right then and there, but he knew that that isn’t what he’s supposed to do. Because if it had been Taeil, calling him and asking him for help, then he would have rushed to him, too. 

 

So he stood his ground, closed his eyes to prevent a tear from falling. He has envisioned this so many times, in so many different scenarios and he has prepared for this moment for a long time. But never once in those imaginations did he expect that it would be  _ this  _ painful. He knew it was never about Taeil and at was never about him. Maybe they just weren’t meant to be together, but still, he couldn’t stop thinking. Is he not enough? Will he ever be enough? Why did he have to fall in love with a person who couldn’t love him back? What did he do to deserve this? He stammered at first, and breathed deeply, just to utter a single syllable: “Go,” he nodded earnestly and smiled, just accepting the fact that  _ this  _ isn’t one of the things he could just fix or force. It’s just not going to happen. The moment Taeil hesitantly turns and leaves, every step away felt like another wound, and when he finally started running, he realized: it’s over. It’s gone now. 

 

He just stared at the ground for the longest time, not moving from where he Taeil left him. He kept looking up, still holding out hope that the older might run back, that he might reconsider or at least  _ do something  _ to take the pain away. He said he wanted to take the pain away. Then again, he smiled bitterly, what does he know about keeping promises anyway. 

 

He eventually decided to start walking, following the center of the street, one step after the other. The streetlights seemed to dim, and he didn’t know if it really was dimming or if his vision was just clouded. He tried to ignore his overwhelming emotions, but each step he took hurt. What is he supposed to do now? More than just the prospect of being in a relationship with Taeil, he is even more worried that this was going to mar their years of friendship. He was leaving in a few weeks and could he really just let go like this? 

 

He reached the bus stop just in time for the bus passing through their district arrived. It was late and there were only three other people there. They all had sunken eyes and tired expressions, as if the whole world was over them. He wondered if he looked that way, too. He wondered if the weight of the world was concentrated on this bus stop. 

 

Sitting near the back, he contemplated his actions. He hadn’t said anything, right? He just asked Taeil what they were but he didn’t say what he wanted. At least he didn’t know. At least Johnny can still turn things around by not saying anything. His pained expression may have been a give away but he could just pretend he didn’t feel that well. He nodded to himself, trying his best to salvage anything that was left, maybe at least for the last few weeks. His decision did nothing, however, to alleviate the pang in his chest, and the dread creeping up his throat. He really couldn’t push the thoughts away, try as he might. He was still on the brink of tears, but he held it in while he was still out in public. He started wondering if it would all go away if he just ripped his own heart out. Would everything just get better?

 

The walk home was quiet, too quiet, and his footsteps were the only thing he can discern. He stopped, his eyes were filling with tears again, and he couldn’t help it. How is he supposed to get rid of this feeling? Why is it  _ so painful? What is this? _ He internally cursed himself—he was being so pathetic. He  _ knew,  _ he fucking knew, but he still  _ asked.  _ What was he thinking? Did he think that Taeil had  _ magically  _ fallen in love with him when he was just in love and heartbroken about someone else a year ago? What did he  _ expect?  _

 

He  _ knew— _ but he still got his fucking hopes up. 

 

But what was so wrong about it? What’s so wrong about wanting to be loved back? What’s so wrong about looking into someone’s eyes and adore it unabashedly, knowing that the person you’re looking at loves you, too? What’s so wrong with wanting what you can’t have? What so wrong with allowing yourself to love so limitlessly? There’s nothing wrong with it. Absolutely nothing wrong. But the ache deep in his heart said otherwise. His endless tears did, too. The heart is an independent organ, it really does what it wants to do. And all that’s left of him is the wounds when he tried to piece it back to together. How is he supposed to put it back? The shards had been too fine, he doesn’t think it can ever be whole again. But there’s nothing he could do but try his best. It may take a  _ long  _ time, and it may take more wounds—but he needed to take care of the heart he carelessly gave. 

 

The home they shared told a much painful story, and he tried his best to ignore the memories of that shared space. He’s leaving it, anyway. In a few weeks he doesn’t have to think about this place anymore. He went straight to his room, and for the first time in months—he locked his door. 

 

—

 

Taeil ran up the stairs, trying to rid of the nagging feeling at the back of his brain. His instinct—his instant reaction, almost—was to rush up to Sicheng when he needs him, and that’s exactly what he did. He called, crying. He had gotten into a pretty big fight with Yuta and he didn’t know who else to call. He knocked on the door, ignoring the the anxiety that filled his brain, unsure of why he desperately wanted to run back. He was, however, distracted when Sicheng open the door, obviously surprised but distraught, and he went straight for the hug and started sobbing into his shoulder. He closed the door behind him, guiding the crying boy back to his couch. 

 

“Hey,” he pat his back in an attempt at comfort, whole they sat on the couch, side by side, thinking caresses may be uncomfortable. “What happened?”

 

Sicheng started explaining through his tears. Yuta and him had gotten into a big fight, which they rarely do. Sicheng wasn’t much of a crier, and he usually stayed quiet and cold when he was angry, but this time, he really felt like he hurt his boyfriend and he couldn’t stop feeling guilty. He kept on crying quietly, wiping his tears as they fell. 

 

Suddenly, he paused. “Where’s Johnny hyung?” He suddenly asked. Taeil immediately felt guilty, for what, he didn’t want to analyze. 

 

“He isn’t with me,” he stated vaguely. 

 

“I thought he’d be here, too,” his expression slowly turned curious. “You were with him when we passed you earlier,” he wiped his tears, hiccuping while interrogating Taeil. 

 

“We were, but, I got your call and I just… came here,” he avoided his slowly judging expression. 

 

“What do you mean you just ‘came here’, were you home already?”

 

“We were on our way home,” he unwrapped his arms, feeling like the focus had turned to him. With every question that Sicheng asked, the nagging feeling crept back in, shouting at his brain that he never should have left. 

 

“And where is he?”

 

He shook his head. Where is he? All he can remember is leaving Johnny in the middle of the road, looking smaller than Taeil had ever seen him. “I don’t know,” he frowned, still shaking his head. 

 

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” Sicheng’s voice had become demanding, rising in tone. “When you got my call, did you just leave him?”

 

Taeil looked away, before nodding. “Sicheng I—I needed to think, too, I needed to get away, even just for a second,” he explained honestly. 

 

“Why would you leave your boyfriend there?”

 

Taeil paused, “What?” He shook his head adamantly. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

 

“Don’t lie,” his friend glared at him. “Stop hiding. Everyone knows. That day at the hallway, Yuta and I, we saw you. You were holding hands, you were  _ kissing, _ ” by that point the entire spotlight had turned to him. “Taeyong saw you drag Johnny off to a broom cupboard and he  _ swore  _ you were making out. Ten caught you both holding hands under the table multiple times, we all thought you just weren’t ready to tell us yet. What do you mean he’s not your boyfriend?” Taeil gaped, thinking he did such a good job at hiding… whatever it was going on with him and Johnny, but apparently, he wasn’t. “Do you mean you’ve been kissing him, making out with him, holding hands with him and he’s not your boyfriend? Did you at least  _ talk  _ about what all of it is?” Taeil frowned, suddenly feeling very teary. He didn’t know what to feel. It all sounded so  _ familiar.  _

 

“He tried.”

 

“When?”

 

“Before I got here,” he admitted. Saying it out loud made it so much worse. The expression on Sicheng’s face looked almost harassed. 

 

“He asked you?” He bit out, almost like a whisper. “He asked you about what you felt? And I called? And you just ran here? Without saying anything?” Sicheng’s voice increased in volume with each question and suddenly, he started crying again. “Why do I keep hurting people?” He lamented. He suddenly turned to Taeil. “And  _ you, _ ” by this time, he’s sure that Sicheng had gotten angry at him. “How  _ dare  _ you,” he bit out angrily. “How dare you  _ hurt  _ him this way,” Taeil suddenly started crying, still confused but definitely distraught. “Johnny did  _ nothing  _ but take care of you. He did  _ everything  _ to make you happy. How  _ dare  _ you come here. How  _ dare  _ you use me as a reason to run away,” if he had been feeling heavy, he finally let it all go. He had started crying, not because Sicheng had gotten angry at him, but the realities of what just happened suddenly hit him. “Oh my god,” Sicheng suddenly whispered to himself. “Where is he right now?” He continued to mumble to himself, suddenly looking around before finally locating his phone. 

 

“Where did you leave him?”

 

Taeil paused to answer, “It was a street near the restaurant.”

 

“ _ Fucking hell—,”  _ he bit out, angrily punching Johnny’s number and putting his phone down the table, on loudspeaker. It rang three times before Johnny answered. 

 

“Sicheng?” The voice on the other line didn’t sound like Johnny. It was small and breathy, almost as if he hurt his throat. “Are you okay? Do you need anything?” Sicheng grimaced, tearing up again. 

 

“Johnny hyung,” he paused. “Where are you? Are you safe?” There was a pause on the other end. 

 

“I’m home,” he whispered. “Are you oka—,”

 

“This isn’t about me right now,” he interrupted, frustrated. Taeil longed to reach for the phone and talk to Johnny. He wanted to apologize, for what, he doesn’t exactly know, but he knew he just had to. “Are  _ you  _ okay?” Johnny didn’t speak. He just breathed on the other line, it seemed like he considered the question for quite a while. 

 

“I’m just kind of tired,” Johnny finally stated, voice gentle and shaking. “I’ll feel better in the morning.”

 

“Are you going to sleep?” Sicheng sobbed quietly into his palms. 

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Feel better, hyung,” Sicheng struggled to say it. 

 

“Call me if you need anything,” Johnny reminded. Sicheng did a small hum before hanging up. Sicheng started crying into his hand again. 

 

“What did we do to him?” He sobbed. “He’s been hurting for  _ so long,”  _ he couldn’t understand what Sicheng was talking about. He knew Johnny had problems with school and his family, but he doesn’t know anything else. “He’s the kindest person ever and he deserves  _ none of this, _ ” he kept crying and for some reason, Taeil couldn’t stop crying, too. Sicheng clutched his chest, heaving. “He must be  _ so tired  _ by now,” he grabbed his own shirt tightly. “And now he’s finally giving up on us. He’s leaving. And he should. He should just stay away from all of us. All we do is hurt him,” he pushed Taeil’s knee away. 

 

“Go,” it’s the second time he heard the word that night, one almost as painful as the other. “Go home. Maybe there’s still a chance you can salvage this.”

 

Taeil nodded absentmindedly, walking out of the dark apartment right away. 

  
  
  


Taeil didn’t understand. How did everything hurt Johnny? It’s not like he’s in love with him, right? Maybe Sicheng was just assuming things, maybe Johnny really was just tired, and he’s reading into things. And what exactly is happening with Johnny? What has been going on with him exactly? Why did Sicheng say he’s been hurting for a long time? Did he know something Taeil didn’t? Nevertheless, his heart remained heavy, his guilt and his confusion mixing into one giant mess in his brain. What did he have to clarify? What was he supposed to say? He  _ doesn’t  _ know what to feel, he didn’t understand what he felt. What is he supposed to say?

 

From the outside, the house looked like there was no one there. All the lights were off and there was an eerie silence enveloping the space. He stopped in front of it, unsure and hesitant. The place didn’t seem like it was welcome to him right at that moment. He suddenly got a mental image of how he just left Johnny in the middle of the road, frozen on the spot. He didn’t want to put meaning to his facial expression but suffice to say, it was nothing positive. He panicked, but that wasn’t enough reason for him to run away. 

 

He quietly went into the house and went straight to Johnny’s room so he can talk to him—finally sort things out. He turned the knob and he stopped. Taeil suddenly was filled with an unexplainable sadness as water rushed from his head straight to his eyes and they fell, not one by one, but all at once. He cried into his palm, assuring that Johnny wouldn’t be able to hear him from the other side of the door. He stepped away and sank to the floor, imagining the worst. Did he hurt him?

 

Did he really, genuinely hurt Johnny? Pure, kind, loving, and beloved Johnny? He started crying on his knee, biting his lip to stop sounds from coming out. He tried so hard to cry quietly. All he can think of is Johnny. What did Taeil  _ really  _ feel? He didn’t know exactly. All he knew was that Johnny makes him feel warm and calm and relaxed and happy.  _ So happy  _ sometimes he felt like he could float just because of elation. He wanted to hold his hand without feeling scared of it, he wanted to kiss him without pulling him aside to a dusty broom cupboard. He wanted to do so freely. 

 

But all he could think right at that moment is that it’s all over. It’s all over. He fucked everything up, and now it’s all over. Johnny is leaving and may never be coming back. And Taeil might have really hurt him. And he might never come back. 

 

Can he do that? Can Taeil survive that? Will he be able to let him go?

 

He pulled his hair in frustration. What  _ does  _ he feel? Why can’t he just tell himself so he can tell Johnny?

 

He stood up and turned the knob again. Taeil stopped and sighed. It really is all over. 

 

He didn’t expect all of this to be triggered—all by a locked door. 

  
  


—

 

Johnny startled when the knob suddenly turned. Taeil was apparently home m and yet again, tried to go into his room. He was right, he was obviously going to do that. Without thinking, he padded over the door, seriously considering unlocking it for Taeil. He just stared at it for the longest time, contemplating on whether or not he should open it. He wanted to open it, so bad. But at the same time, his heart hurt too much to face Taeil. He couldn’t even explain why his choosing of Sicheng hurt him so much. He had decided to, for the first time, preserve himself, and he should probably do that by sticking to his decision. He sat down in front of the door, staring at the knob. Johnny pat his heart, praying it can heal eventually—praying he can never feel the same pain again. The knob turned for one more time, as if the person on the other side wanted to make sure if it was really locked, before the door to the other room opened and closed. 

 

Johnny smiled bitterly to himself. It was really time for him to move on. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please forgive me
> 
>  
> 
> please tell me what you think! ❤️


	19. Chapter 18

Taeil woke up with a heavy feeling over him, as if a person was sitting on his chest and suffocating him. He grimaced at the loud ringing of his phone and he immediately rolled over to answer it. “Hello?”

“Hey, get up!” Ten barked through the receiver. “We’ve been here for  _ hours,  _ where are you?”

“I’m still at home, what’s up?” His groggy voice reminded him the previous night. He sighed, still envisioning Johnny at the other side of the door. 

“What do you mean, what’s up?” Ten screeched. “It’s Johnny’s birthday, did you forget?” He cursed, he had been  _ too  _ distracted to remember. Let’s just put this down for things that make him a bad friend. “Did you just wake up?”

“Yeah,” he admitted, pushing himself up by the elbows to force himself. He and the rest had planned to surprise Johnny for his birthday especially since he announced that he was leaving. They wanted to make it a big one, sort of like a farewell party, too. “I’ll go now, I’m getting up.”

“You better be,” Ten threatened one more time before hanging up. 

 

—-

Taeil quickly took a shower and put on the first decent clothes he picked up. He and Johnny apparently had been so caught up in...whatever it was, and neither of them had mentioned his birthday in weeks. Johnny mentioned it in passing a few days after New Year and Taeil talked to it with Ten and Yuta one time they were gathered at the cafeteria and Johnny was still in the library. Sicheng reminded him about their plans a few days ago but the events of the previous night had made it completely slip his mind. 

He looked in the mirror and settled for a little bit of concealer for his eyes and hoped for the best before rushing out the door. A figure emerged from the other door and he was forced to a screeching halt when he almost bumped into Johnny’s tall figure. “Be careful!” The other exclaimed in surprise. “Why are you such in a hurry, roadrunner?” Johnny pat him affectionately before walking to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water. 

Taeil gaped at him. “What?” Johnny demanded, weirdly perky. Well, he was  _ usually  _ perky, but he just—didn’t look like he should be perky. 

“I’m late for something,” Taeil mumbled absentmindedly. 

“Slept in?” He kept up the conversation while he put some leftover food into the microwave. “Admittedly, it’s a lazy morning,” he pointed out the window and to the light gray clouds outside. 

Taeil nodded, still not knowing what to do about Johnny. “Do you want some breakfast?” He offered and smiled, and for the first time, he looked at Taeil properly. His eyes were swollen and puffy, but he had no tear stains and his hair was clean and well-kept, indicating that he might have woken up to shower earlier than his clothes might suggest. His face was bare and tired, and his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. Or maybe he was just tired. 

“No,” he shook his head, finally walking forward. “I’ll eat outside,” he wore the shoes he left by the entrance. 

“Don’t forget to bring your umbrella!” Johnny called out before he could exit the house. 

“Thank you,” he mumbled to himself, unsure if Johnny heard him. 

  
  


—-

  
  


“You look dead,” Taeyong commented as soon as he walked into one of the private spaces of the restaurant. It was closed for the day, courtesy of Jaehyun’s parents who owned the place and gave them a huge discount for the entire day. Sicheng was already there, who glanced up at him quickly but didn’t linger much. 

“Thanks,” he checked his reflection on the glass. “I noticed.”

“Shove off him, he just woke up,” Ten chastised, former sternness dissipating. “Hey,” he took a closer look at Taeil’s face. “Are you sick? You don’t look well. Maybe I should have just let you sleep,” he frowned, obviously guilty. 

“No, no,” he dropped his bag on one of the seats and pulled his sleeves up to start working on the banners. “I’m fine.” Sicheng threw him one last glance then resumed cutting out the letters S, Y, and H. 

“Oh, by the way,” Yuta called out, legs splayed out over Sicheng. They probably made up the night before or this morning. “Did you see Johnny? Is he okay? He wouldn’t answer his phone.”

“Yeah,” he nodded. Sicheng looked up curiously. “He’s fine. He was eating breakfast when I left.”

“It’s 11,” Doyoung groaned. 

“Oh, you know how he is on weekends,” Taeil smiled fondly, and almost sadly. Jaehyun, fortunately, laughed. 

“Hyung,  _ of course _ we wouldn’t know how he is on weekends.”

“Oh, right,” most of the people in the room had been friends for years but Taeil was the only one who was blessed with being the roommate. “Well, he wakes up early everyday, he likes waking up before the world does, he drinks coffee and watches the early morning news,” he paused. 

“There’s an early morning news?” He whispered to Taeyong, who laughed affectionately. 

“But on weekends, he stays inside his room until late morning or early noon. He ignores his phone and reads a book on the balcony or he plays board games with me when I’m not busy.”

“That’s cute,” Taeyong commented offhandedly. 

“Well, good thing I wasn’t his roommate or I would have fallen in love with  _ that, _ ” Jaehyun joked, but immediately shrunk when Doyoung glared at him. 

“Do you want to lose your boyfriend after 8 days? You’d break Kate Hudson’s record,” Doyoung bit out, making everyone else laugh. 

“Well, to be fair,” Ten added. “Who wouldn’t have fallen in love with that?”

Then for the first time, Sicheng spoke up. “Taeil didn’t.”

  
  


—-

 

Yuta manage to coax Johnny out by pretending they were gonna have a small dinner just the two of them. He went to pick him up at the apartment while everyone else waited at the restaurant. Conversation was lively especially since Ten and Doyoung kept bickering despite having known each other for such a short span of time. Eventually, Yuta texted them that they just parked outside and they should get ready. 

They turned all the lights off and gathered into one corner, hiding as if the lights didn’t do enough to hide them already. They could the footsteps coming and as soon as the lights were turned on, they all shouted ‘surprise!’ in unison, with Taeyong setting off a party popper, much to Johnny’s surprise. He looked better than he did that morning and he seemed like he had gotten some sleep throughout the day, some makeup looked like it kind of helped but he still looked tired and sad. All worn out and slouching. 

“Oh my,” he smiled, genuinely this time. Looking around the room and beaming to his friends. “I honestly thought it was just gonna be the two of us,” he turned to Yuta. “Thank you so much guys,” Jaehyun started singing the happy birthday song, walking towards Johnny with a birthday cake and a lit candle, everyone else followed, clapping noisily while adlibbing to the song with their own styles. After the song, Johnny promptly closed his eyes, and genuinely wished for quite a while. When he opened his eyes, they were kind of teary, but he blinked them away. 

Everyone cheered loudly, but Taeil just stood there, hoping that all of Johnny’s wishes would come true, whether they still include him or not. 

 

—-

 

The dinner turned to drinking and even too much drinking but this time, Taeil decided not drink too much, or if it can be considered that he drank anything alcoholic at all. He sipped his beer a few times but he managed to hold himself back, considering that by the end of the night, he and Johnny have to go home together and he doesn’t think it would be safe for the both of them to be drunk. Johnny drank continuously, even dangerously, he didn’t know that the others noticed because they were all kind of drunk themselves but Johnny has had more bottles than everyone else combined. 

Taeil stared and worried as he looked at Johnny’s slowly deteriorating consciousness and his head gets increasingly heavy. He laughed with Taeyong and Ten, although he would occasionally glance at Taeil but quickly smile then look away. 

As the night progressed, the rest slowly piled out to go home, until it was just him, Johnny, Ten and Taeyong. He’s the only sober one, but Ten seemed very alert even though he reeked of alcohol himself. “I always drink less,” he said while they guided Taeyong and Johnny out. “Taeyong is a lightweight but he gets downright drunk most of the time, I have to make sure nothing happens to him,” he explained as if he heard Taeil’s thoughts. They stopped at the curb outside the restaurant to wait for taxis when Ten spoke up. “Sicheng told me what happened.”

“Oh,” Taeil wondered how everyone thought of him now. 

“Don’t worry, no judgements,” he chuckled. “Taeyong and me… we may look like the most established couple here, but it was also a really difficult road for us. We also had a period when we both didn’t know what to do and we didn’t exactly know what we felt. So I understand. Sicheng may find it hard, he’s been sure about Yuta for a long time. But Taeyong and I, we will. I know you’re confused, I know you don’t know if you’re falling in love or not, or if you’re actually there—,”

“I’m there,” Taeil suddenly blurt out. He didn’t plan on saying it, he wasn’t even thinking about it, but it suddenly came out, surprising him more. 

“Then what is going on?” Ten demanded. 

Taeil held onto Johnny tightly who had his entire body slumped against him. “We both aren’t ready for this, Ten,” he shook his head. His voice shook as emotions took over him. “We might feel… a lot for each other but,” he glanced at him again, asleep and dead to the world. “I’ve hurt him a lot, Ten. And we’ve gone to a point where we don’t exactly know what we are outside of each other,” he sighed, the truth finally pouring out of him. His eyes stung, but he remained firm. “We need time apart,” he stated finally, although it hurt him deeply. If he were to be selfish, if he only just did what he wanted and didn’t think of Johnny, he might tell him—he might tell him what he makes him feel, he might even beg him to stay and try this out for real. But no, Johnny  _ needed  _ to go. He needs to live his life without Taeil’s existence tormenting him, and he needs to go back to his parents. He may not express it but he can hear it in the way he talks to his parents on the phone, he can see it in the tears he sometimes sheds right after they talk, especially when he’s having a hard time, himself. He might look intimidating and dominant but he’s still just mommy and daddy’s little boy.

“And he needs to forget me,” he sighed. “And I’m just gonna have to live with that.”

  
  


—-

 

They stumbled inside the apartment with much difficulty but Taeil finally managed to get Johnny to his bed. The taller boy eventually sank onto his sheets comfortably, immediately hugging Buni, the plushie nearest to him. Taeil knelt beside his bed, seriously hoping that he should have known what was gonna happen that night. If he had known that if might be the last that they’re happy that way, he would have squeezed in his own goodbye. If he had known that it was the last time he can hold Johnny’s hand, he would have never let go. If he had known that he would be able to wrap his arms around him, he would have stayed wrapped around him as long as he can. Even if it only was just for him. 

He didn’t know what Johnny felt, exactly, though. There might be something there which caused him to hurt when Taeil ran away, but he didn’t know exactly what it is. Taeil either didn’t know, or refused to know. All he knew was that they’ve grown too attached, and too confused to know what even is happening anymore. All he managed to acknowledge is the fact that  _ that  _ night—that specific night, he hurt Johnny. Maybe because instead of facing it, he ran away. He refused to recognize how long this had been going on, he refused to recognize how long Johnny has been hurting because of him. And maybe that’s why Johnny needed to stay away. He doesn’t deserve someone who  _ can’t  _ even acknowledge that he had hurt someone. 

He looked at Johnny’s peaceful sleeping face then ever so quietly and slowly held his hand. He sighed at the contact, suddenly feeling choked up just because he missed this. No, he missed him. It’s been one day, and he can’t imagine what it would be like if he left. Probably never seeing him again—it was too much. 

He whispered against his knuckles, finally deciding to take Johnny’s path and treating him like he did before, savoring and salvaging what’s left of their friendship, to make his last month with Johnny be that best that they have ever had. “Johnny, I’m in love with you,” the moment he said it, it was like static came over him because of the realization. The moment he named the feeling was the exact moment that he realized that it’s true. “I am so in love with you.”

 

—-

When Taeil left, Johnny continued to pretend to sleep, hoping that by morning, it will all be just a dream. 

—-

  
  


Johnny looked into the mirror and fixed his tie, trying to make sure that it’s impeccable and flawless. It was kind of noisy outside his room, Taeil’s sister and parents were fussing over him—well, technically just his mom and his sister as his dad sat on the couch, and watched everything going down. Johnny had the door to his room wide open, as he just needed to check his hair one more time before he took his toga and cap and closed the door behind him. His and Taeil’s eyes met, but it was fortunately cut off when the older’s dad took his attention. 

 

“Youngho,” he called in that deep dad voice. “Aren’t your parents gonna come?” Johnny smiled and shook his head gently. His mother wanted to come but he insisted that she didn’t—it was just a ceremony with a lot of unnecessary speeches and sitting. He’s going home, anyway, so there’s no point in spending all that money. “Ah, right you’re going back home. That’s smart,” he leaned back against the couch. “How about the house?” He turned to Taeil. 

 

The older shot him a look before addressing his father, “I’m looking for someplace else to live, dad,” he answered quietly, he fiddled with his fingers before deciding to fiddle with his tie, instead, but his mother slapped his hand away. “Preferably near the studio,” just a few days before their graduation, Taeil was contacted by a recording company and was immediately hired as an audio engineer. He accepted right away and he was told to start a few days after Johnny leaves for Chicago. 

“You own this place, right?” Taeil’s dad continued conversationally. “What do you plan to do with it?”

“I’m actually talking to the caretaker about it,” Johnny recounted his conversation with the old woman a few doors down who promised to look after the house. “I was thinking of just renting it out.”

Their conversation was cut off when the ladies finally finished fussing over Taeil. “Taeil, pin this on Johnny,” she shoved a small pinnable flower on his hands. Taeil’s eyes widened and hesitated for quite a while. “Hurry,” she barked, forcing Taeil to step forward. “Is it okay?”

“Yeah,” Johnny smoothed his shirt to make it easier for Taeil to put it on. With his permission, Taeil tentatively stepped forward. He was so near he could smell his shampoo, familiar and smelled of lazy mornings and cuddling. He almost leaned forward for a hug but he managed to control himself.

It had been like that ever since. They managed to treat each other similarly, but they didn’t know how to act without leaning towards each other or wanting to hold each other, and it has been extremely difficult. Because of this, they didn’t share the same space for an extended period of time, especially if it’s just the two of them. But they both tried, it was obvious—it was too obvious that it almost like they’re desperate attempts to stay together. They would suddenly hold hands, not realizing that they shouldn’t be, but when they do realize, they still won’t let go. 

“I don’t understand this whole thing,” Yuta once commented. Johnny chuckled then, expressing that he didn’t either. 

“I think we’re just… savoring,” he smiled bitterly. “This can be the last.”

Yuta frowned. “I hate seeing you like this.”

Johnny looked over to one of his best friends, and considered for a while. “I need a favor from you.”

Yuta groaned jokingly. “Why me?”

“Taeyong is too kind to pull this off,” he points out. 

“Am I not kind?” Yuta fake-gasped, mocking offense. 

“You  _ are _ ,” Johnny chuckled. “But I know you’ll be… firmer. Harder to persuade.” Ever since the three of them had just started becoming friends, Johnny already realized the ranking. Taeyong was the easiest one to persuade, Yuta was next, and Johnny—when he had decided, it was impossible to convince him. 

“Fine, what is it?” 

“When I leave for Chicago, I’m still gonna contact you and Taeyong, and maybe the rest, but…”

Yuta sat up straighter. “But what?”

“Can you make sure Taeil hyung doesn’t get to contact me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is kind of near the end and it’s been such a ride,,, to those who aren’t aware, i’m also gonna write for enrara (nct write write fic fest) and it’s still a johnil prompt that i can’t disclose, but i hope you can still support that 😭😊❤️ i will have to start writing that by the end of march so this should end by then 😭
> 
>  
> 
> anyway, what did you think of this chapter??? if you want to, you can leave a comment or dm me @ choisoftcheol


	20. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like listening to songs while reading, for this chapter I suggest:
> 
> Lauv - Never Not

Johnny’s diploma went to the first box of things he packed along with other personal and school documents. It felt like such a big step. The moment he closed and taped the box, he felt like he just moved one step forward. Since the caretaker found someone who wanted to rent the house, he decided to leave most of the furniture behind, if not all. He had taken down the framed photos and put them all in another box, while miscellaneous things went on another. He knelt in front of the boxes, trying to figure out which ones he should leave behind, but it’s too difficult, everything held too many memories. After he had organized all of the things he wanted to take back home onto specific boxes, he carried them to the living room put them on the couch, planning to take them all to the courier later that afternoon. 

He looked around his bare room. Most of his clothes are now haphazardly cramped in 3 luggages he planned to take home, all he has are some clothes he will donate right before he leaves. He had no more things by his desk except for the lamp, and his sheets would probably be donated after the caretaker washes them, too. Taeyong and Ten promised to look after his instruments and his books, and promised that they will send them as soon as Johnny needs them. Looking at his room,it did really look like the person living in it is ready to leave, bare and prepared. But in reality, he isn’t. He might have sort out his house and his school because he was too scared to sort out his life. 

He sighed, walking out to the living room to duct tape the rest of the boxes and labeled two of them as fragile. A door opened behind him and Taeil came out of his room, taking one sweeping glance at the boxes before staring at Johnny who stood in the middle of it all. “Hey,” the taller boy manages. “Sorry about all the boxes, I’m mailing them today, don’t worry.”

The older unexpectedly walked forward, peeking at them. “What are in these?” He asked quietly. 

“This has the glass stuff, frames and other shit. This one has my other fragile, breakable things,” he points to two boxes sitting side by side. “And this has other stuff like notebooks and shit,” he pointed to the box on the floor. “Things I’d probably want to have even back home.”

Taeil nodded before looking back at his bare room. “Why do you have 3 luggages?”

“I still haven’t found the time to fold them properly,” he shrugged noncommittally. “If I don’t I’m bringing them like that, if I do, then maybe I can cramp them into two,” Taeil suddenly walked in and suddenly opened one of them, immediately spewing out shirts. Johnny followed him inside and knelt beside him. 

“You don’t need to,” Johnny chuckled, trying to control the unstoppable pulling out of shirts. “It will be fine.”

“Can I help?” Taeil offered kindly. “I can just work on your shirts and pants, you can work on the rest,” and by rest he meant the underwear. Johnny chuckled. “If you insist.” 

Taeil sat on the floor and worked on the pile of shirts that he took out from the luggage. Johnny hesitated but the eventually decided to sit on the floor and folded some of the clothes with him. They sat and worked there in silence, piling up the clothes they’ve finished. 

Taeil cleared his throat and smiled sadly. “The last time we did this we were preparing to leave for Japan,” he whispered, almost to himself. “Now it’s just gonna be you.”

Johnny didn’t say anything, trying to push the memories of Japan away—pushing the memories of the best two weeks of his life away. 

 

—-

 

Johnny sat on top of the railings of Yuta and Sicheng’s apartment, nursing a beer while Taeyong and Yuta sat in front of him, holding on to one of his ankles each. “Do you really need to hold on to me? I’m not gonna fall over,” he tried to shake them off but they only held on tighter. “It’s either we hold on or you come down here, you choose,” Taeyong stated firmly. 

“Fine,” he grumbled, taking another swig of his beer. 

“Okay so,” Yuta started when Sicheng was finally beside him. “Did you finish packing?”

“Yes, I’m done,” he shrugged. “It was kind of easy since I gonna leave most of my things anyway,” he looked up, somber. “Plus, Taeil hyung helped me fold my clothes. I’m down to 2 luggages now.”

The three exchanged looks, “He did?” Sicheng asked. 

“Yeah,” he nodded. “He’s good at that shit.”

Taeyong hummed, “Did it feel weird?” He was cautious, he can hear it in his tone. 

“It did, actually,” he smiled bitterly, looking back at the events early that day, when he watched Taeil fold his clothes methodically and put them in one, neat pile inside his luggage. “It really felt like he was letting me go… without question,” he frowned, feeling too overwhelmed most of the time lately. 

“There’s nothing to question about it, really,” Sicheng spoke up. “You need to go home… and I think he recognizes that.”

Johnny nodded, understanding. Finally, he decided to confide in them. “Am I being selfish?” He looked at them, tears filling his eyes, throat tightening. “Do you think I’m risking all of your feelings just because I want to protect mine?”

“Yes, it is,” Taeyong finally answered, but without malice in his tone. “But there’s nothing wrong with that,” he immediately assured. “You’re tired, and you’re hurt, and staying won’t fix anything. Yeah, you can talk, you can work it out, but your wounds are still deep and fresh, you can’t continue exposing them to the knife, you’re just gonna get hurt again,” he breathed ever so gently. There really is something about naming and voicing out feelings that make it hurt exponentially. 

“For years, your heart has been exposed and people just came and went and had their way with it,” Yuta added. “It’s time you take it away from them… from us.”

“You’ve never hurt me,” he shook his head, referring to the three of them. Silence fell when he said it, until Sicheng looked up. “Are you sure?”

Johnny looked up at his friends’ face, pouting and dejected. “Sicheng,” he said in the softest voice that he can manage. “It’s not your fault.”

“I know,” he nodded. “But I can’t help but think, what if I just never came here? Will it have been better?”

“No!” Johnny jumped from where he sat and walked to Sicheng. “Don’t think like that,” he hugged him, caressing his back gently. “I’m every bit lucky that you came here. You made my best friend  _ so happy, _ ” he glanced to Yuta. “And he made you happy, too, right?” Sicheng nodded. He let him go and decided to sit on one of the chairs, unsure if he can still jump up the railings safely when he’s tipsy. 

“This is no one’s fault,” he shook his head, thinking that it’s more difficult because this isn’t really the doing of one person, but it rather just circumstantial. Taeil just didn’t love him back. Sure, he said he was, but he’s sure it was much less than the one he felt for Sicheng. Well, he really can’t blame him for falling in love with someone as perfect as Dong Sicheng. 

“But it doesn’t hurt less, does it?” Taeyong asked. 

“No,” he bit his lip, trying to stop himself from crying. “It hurts more because I can’t do anything about it.”

Taeyong started crying quietly. “We love you so much, Youngho,” he clutched his best friend’s knee tightly. “And all we want is for you to finally be happy again, and if this is all part of the process, then we’d be more than willing to let you go.” Yuta looked up, quickly wiping a tear that escaped.

“When you feel better,” Yuta’s eyes may have hidden most of his emotions, but his voice didn’t. “Make sure to come back and visit us.”

Johnny nodded, making another promise he wasn’t sure he can keep. 

 

—-

  
  


When Johnny arrived home, he went straight to his room only to see that Taeil was on the balcony, sitting alone, looking at the trees for the first signs of growth. He sat very still as he was curled up in one of the chairs. Johnny, still tipsy, walked forward, almost hitting himself with the sliding door. Taeil turned around because of the commotion and stared as Johnny sat on the chair across him. 

“Sorry I’m here,” he apologized. 

“It’s your house, too,” Johnny answered equally as quietly. 

Both of them basked in the temporary silence, listening to the sounds of the crickets and the occasional sounds from the other houses. The leaves rustled as wind blew gently, cool but no longer harsh as March has arrived. Johnny seriously contemplated talking to Taeil but as the silence grew longer, he slowly decided that it might be better if he just went to bed. 

“Why are you leaving?” Taeil suddenly asked using the quietest voice. Johnny froze, not expecting the older to ask about it. He battled with himself for quite a while, not knowing whether to tell the older one of the biggest contributors to his decision, or not. “Please be honest with me.”

“Well,” he cleared his throat, figuring that if this was most probably the last time he could be this honest, he probably should just go all the way. “You know that other reasons, I was never meant to stay and I miss my parents, too,” he started. “But to be very honest, this whole situation between you and me is contributing, too,” he finally admitted, although not unkindly. He looked at Taeil, who stayed still and nodded in understanding. “I feel like I really need this, I tried so hard to help you move on, but all this time it was me who needed to move on more,” he smiled, finally voicing out his realizations. It still felt heavy, it still felt like his skin was being ripped out along with everything in him, but it also felt liberating. “Tell me one thing,” Johnny suddenly whispered. “Did I succeed?” He asked, referring to his job of helping him move on. 

Taeil looked over to him, eyes shining, he smiled. Although for some reason, his smile sent another pang of pain in Johnny’s heart. It was  _ so  _ fond, and  _ so  _ affectionate, he suddenly got a bitter glimpse of what he wanted them to be. “Yes,” he nodded. Taeil tried to blink his tears away but instead of getting rid of them, they fell instead. “You did a good job,” he smiled bitterly. “A really good job,” the end of his sentence transformed into heart-wrenching sobs and Johnny couldn’t help but rush to him.

“Hey,” he tentatively reached forward. “Hey, what’s wrong?” _So many things._ _Everything._

Taeil inhaled deeply, controlling his tears. “Do you have to go?” He choked. Johnny’s heart could only take so much. At that moment, he wanted to leave, right away, run away from all of this, from everything. But the look in Taeil’s eyes roots him to the ground and makes him reconsider leaving at all. “Do you have to leave me?” He sobbed, and for some reason, Johnny’s mind drifts back to Japan. To the night when he and Taeil were slow dancing to that one Day6 songs. It seemed so long ago now, and so many things had changed. Now everything is just a pile of ash and a ground of broken things. It has always been that way, they were just too thick skinned to notice—confident that they can pull through and still win. 

“I’m sorry,” Johnny whispered, meaning it not only for Taeil, but for himself, because with this decision, he hurt both. “I’ve been in love with you for so long,” he admitted, exhaling shakily. “And by not telling you, by supporting you while you pursued Sicheng, by allowing myself to see it all, by being happy for you all those times you told me he was the one, and no one else,” he paused, stopped by the hurt in Taeil’s face. “I hurt myself. You didn’t hurt me, you didn’t know. I hurt myself. By taking you to Japan, by allowing things to progress between us when I knew I was going back home, I hurt myself, I hurt you, and I’m sorry,” he choked on his apology. “It’s not your fault you didn’t fall in love with me.”

Taeil cried, shaking his head. 

“I hurt myself, and now I have to face what I did to myself, and I have to fix it,” he whispered firmly. “I have to take care of myself. I know it’s my fault, I know it isn’t your fault for feeling what you do,” he took in a shaky breath. “But  _ fuck,  _ I’m tired,” his forehead fell against Taeil’s shoulder as he cried. “I’m so tired,” he whispered against him. “My heart can’t take any more. I’m so sorry.”

Taeil leaned forward to cradle Johnny’s head in his arms, his tears falling one after the other. The pain in his chest made him feel like he was gonna die. Until the end, Johnny still took the blame for everything. Up until the end he still won’t “burden” Taeil with what he felt, and it broke his heart to no end. “This whole time I waited for you to finally choose me over everything else, but as it turns out, all I need is for me to finally,  _ for the first time,  _ choose myself.”

 

Taeil held his breath for a while, realizing that it helps with the pain.

 

—-

 

They all sat around the pre-departure area, talking lively but not too loudly. Taeyong and Yuta came but their boyfriends didn’t and were left in Johnny’s apartment after the teary goodbyes. Taeil was there, too, smiling and laughing with the three of them, almost as if to pretend like he didn’t really mind that he was leaving. He kept looking up, though, looking at the screen that kept flashing announcements. Two of his fingers clutched onto Johnny’s shirt—he was still there but he was already unwilling to let go. If he could, he would hold on tighter, it’s not like it was uncommon. All around them, you can hear children begging their parents not to leave them, lovers talking in hushed tones, and friends joking around. It took a lot to stop himself from pulling Johnny aside to have time alone with him—and it’s not like they can get any privacy in an airport. He had access to the airport lounge but he chose to stay outside with them, he said he had a four-hour stopover at Dubai, he can stay at that lounge, here, will stay and wait with them. 

It was already 11PM, and most of the noise from the early evening had died down as most people just wanted to recline and wait for their flight in silence, but Yuta kept joking around, an obvious coping mechanism. Taeil just kept glancing up as 11:00 became 11:10, then 11:20, dreading each second that went by. His entire hand had decided for him and voluntarily rest itself on Johnny’s thigh, squeezing lightly. He couldn’t say anything, he wanted to say something, but he  _ didn’t know what.  _ The words are stuck in his throat and eventually he had stopped hearing the conversations, only the erratic beating of his heart. He squeezed him lightly again, as if to take his attention. 

Johnny turned to him, eyes soft but scared, “What is it?”

Taeil tried  _ so hard  _ to stop him voice from cracking, so he just said nothing and reached into his bag. “Do you have space in your bag for this?” It was a tiny notebook, even small enough to fit in his back pocket. 

“Yeah,” he nodded, taking the small notebook and promptly putting it in his bag. 

“Johnny,” he took his attention again, finally taking the small step of taking his hand and kissing his knuckles. He looked up just in time for the screen to flash a whole new set of words and numbers—he dreaded it so much that he timed it perfectly. 

“Attention,” just like they did in the past 3 flights, they stopped to listen for Johnny’s flight. “All passengers of flight EK323 heading for Dubai…” they stopped listening then and turned to Johnny. Taeyong immediately looked like he was close to tears. “That’s me,” he smiled casually, picking up his bag, slinging it over his shoulder. “I’m gonna go,” he looked at the three of them, still sitting. “Taeyong, come on,” he opened his arms, and one of his best friends immediately stood and wrapped both arms around him, patting him on the back. “Good luck,” he whispered. It meant so many things not just for Johnny, but for all of them. “Come back when you’re ready,” he gave Johnny one last pat before letting him go, quickly swiping away one tear. 

“Yuta,” the blond boy grumbled before hugging him back tightly. “Don’t forget,” he reminded, and Yuta nodded earnestly. “We’ll miss you a lot. Come back when you can, okay?” 

“Okay,” he smiled, patting the side of Yuta’s head. He turned to Taeil, quiet and deathly still. He just stood there, watching them earnestly. 

“We’ll wait at the coffee place,” Taeyong said awkwardly, clearing his throat. “Contact us when you arrive, Johnny,” he nodded, watching his two best friends walk away, still holding back tears. It was extremely heartbreaking to see them sad, but he knew they can cope, friends stay far from each other all the time. He just has to contact them when he can. 

“Hyung,” he reached for his arm, touching it gently. 

“I guess this is it, then,” he smiled sadly, putting a tentative hand on Johnny’s waist. They hung around quietly, just holding each other like that. Taeil swallowed thickly, something was horribly stuck in his throat. “Live happily,” he said some words, but it didn’t take away the ones that are stuck in his throat. 

“I’ll try,” he pulled him forward, finally wrapping his arms around the smaller man… the first after a month. Taeil sighed against his shirt with soft, shaky, exhales. He pulled away and looked at Johnny’s face, cupping it in his cold hands. He doesn’t have a good memory, but he will try to commit this one to memory, this may be the last time in years—hell, this may even be the very last time he can see him. He tried to trace his hairline, his cheekbones, the curve of his lips, determined not to forget how it felt—the confusion that fills his system when he look at his honey-infused eyes, because  _ how in the world can anyone feel this much?  _ He didn’t understand it, not even one bit. He has settled for the fact that this may be love, but why does it feel like it’s so much more than that? Why did it feel like one feeling can take over his system? Why did it feel...too strong? Is there no way Johnny can stay with him? He understood, he did. He could only hope that there was a way that he could have fixed this, or even just a way that he can at least sort himself out for Johnny. He knows this is all because he’s too emotionally constipated but he doesn’t really know how to do it. 

Johnny rest their foreheads together, breathing shallowly, before pressing a soft and quick kiss on Taeil’s lips, then his temple before pulling away completely. “Contact me,” his arms was still outstretched, unconsciously following Johnny as he moved away. He smiled back and reached forward to press another kiss on the older’s forehead before walking away quickly. Taeil stood rooted as he watched him go, his figure getting smaller and smaller in the distance. He waited for him to turn back, to look at him one last time, his breath shook—he never did. 

When Johnny was out of sight, he immediately dropped back to his seat, and he blinked blankly—-as if he didn’t feel anything. He just sat there for he didn’t know for how long, and he only looked up when the pleasant female voice announced the departure of his plane. He looked out, spotting one that circled the runway. Taeil followed it with eyes until it took off into the night sky.

He stayed rooted. 

When he comes home that night, Johnny won’t be there, munching on his chips splayed on the couch. He won’t be there sitting on his bed while smiling at whatever meme he came across on social media. He won’t be at the balcony, singing along to some obscure indie band while he strongly urged Taeil to join him. 

He won’t be there. 

It’ll just be him, and the memories of a person he might never forget. 

 

—

 

Taeyong slowly approached Taeil who hadn’t followed them to the coffee shop. They found him by the pre-departure area, standing in front of the glass windows, looking out into the distance. He glanced at Yuta. They may feel sad and they might miss Johnny, their emotions may never come close to Taeil’s who would have to continue alone from now on—he will have them, of course, but everybody can tell—it was different when Johnny was with him. He won’t just miss Johnny: he will long for him, he will need him, he will still love him, he’s sure, and he will regret, and he will blame himself, but they all have to to try. 

Johnny’s gonna try for himself, too. 

He touched the older’s elbow—when he turned and saw Taeyong and Yuta, he just started sobbing and cried into Taeyong’s shoulder—he had never seen him cry. And Taeyong realized: nothing is ever gonna be the same.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> E H E H E H E H E H E H E H E  
> what did u think  
> i’m sorry if this is getting more and more depressing :( i will make it up i promise 😭
> 
> this is unedited so please excuse any mistakes ! 🌻🌻
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING 🥰❤️❤️


	21. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter includes time skips and pov shifts

Taeil sat behind the booth, a producer sat beside him, directing the flow of the recording monotonously as he sat there and waited for cues to play, replay, and pause the song. Even though he’s technically a sound engineer now, the senior engineers still led major parts of the production while he was trained and was told to observe. He glanced at his phone for the umpteenth time, still waiting for Johnny to respond to his messages. He’s been Chicago for two weeks now and he hasn’t responded to any of the messages he’s sent him, even those asking if he arrived home safely, and he’s starting to worry. He had dinner with Yuta and Taeyong that night and he asked if they’ve heard from Johnny but they both answered so vaguely. All he got was that they were sure that he got home safely. Well, at least now he knows that. He tried not to think about how hard it is without him and focus on his work while he’s there. It’s an opportunity for that he has waited for a long time and he can’t simply mess it up just because he couldn’t control his emotions.

When he gets home, however, everything changes. He walked in without turning the rest of the lights on— Johnny has always been the one who insisted to keep the lights on, and it’s always too bright, but he didn’t mind. He hates turning it on now, though because you’d see how empty it is. The shelves are bare and he didn’t know what to replace them with. He didn’t have a lot of books like Johnny, he didn’t have a lot of tiny decorative pieces, and the only pictures he had were his and Johnny’s and there was no way in hell he’s gonna put himself through the torture of seeing that every time he comes in. Maybe someday he’ll look at the pictures and positively reminisce, but not today… not now. Maybe someday.

He moved himself to his room, mostly because it was bigger and was directly connected to the balcony and he moved all of Johnny’s books and instruments back to the smaller room. It might have been one of the hardest things he has had to do. There were practically no other signs of Johnny in the house— all of his clothes were gone: they were either shipped back to Chicago or were donated. All of his trinkets were also shipped back, as well as all of his things from school. The appliances were still there, but they’ve been stripped bare since he expected someone else to take the place. The only thing in the house left of him were his books, guitar, and piano which Taeyong and Ten were supposed to take soon. Well maybe aside from his pictures Taeil kept in a box in his drawer.

When he heard that Johnny was going to put the house up for rent, he accepted it right away and didn’t think about it much. But while he watched Johnny box his things up, and slowly remove traces of him the house, he suddenly couldn’t bear thinking of leaving the place. He knew it may be difficult for him but he couldn’t leave, either. The thought of other people taking the place didn’t sit well with him. So he secretly talked to the caretaker about his plans of taking over the place when Johnny leaves and told her to promise to to tell Johnny about his plans. So now, more than two weeks after Johnny flew home to Chicago to train as a company executive at his early 20s, Taeil sat on the floor of their previously shared home, eating cereal out of a deep blue bowl as he let the sounds of the TV drown his thoughts. He knew he shouldn’t wallow and that the point of this separation was to grow as individuals and he should really work on himself so he can finally deserve Johnny but he thinks it’s too soon.

How long would it take this time? He had Johnny the last time and it didn’t take very long for him to move on, but how is he gonna do it this time? Does he even want to forget?

 

—-

 

Ten knocked quietly, Taeyong following quietly after him. They had a key to the house but they were told by Johnny that the new owner may have already moved in so they had to get his things quickly. “Hello?” he called out, but the house was extremely quiet. He slowly opened the door, still cautious. He wouldn’t want to be shot, Taeyong is standing right behind him and is wearing a white shirt. If any blood splattered on it he will definitely be murdered twice. “Is anybody home?” Getting braver, Ten stepped into the threshold, triggering the light.

“I don’t think anyone’s home,” he turned his back to shake his head.

“But there are used shoes right there,” Taeyong whispered loudly, pointing to the floor.

Ten chuckled, “That looks like the shoes you got Taeil hyung for his birthday,” he pointed out before tiptoeing further into the house. “Announce your purpose, at least,” his boyfriend reminded him again, slapping his arm.

“Uh, hello?” Ten called out, so much loudly this time. “The owner left some of his things here, we’re here to get the rest of them,” he announced. He could hear shuffling from the other side of Johnny’s old bedroom, signifying that someone _was_ there. “Someone’s here,” he and Taeyong immediately rushed back to the threshold, ready to pretend they weren’t willing to go all the way inside the house while the renter was away. They stood there politely, waiting as the door opened. What he didn’t expect was for an unfamiliar face to show up.

Taeil looked surprised, still in his home clothes. “Oh, hey guys,” he waved awkwardly. “Come in.”

Ten walked forward and went straight to the couch, now comfortable that it’s just Taeil and not some random person they’d have to deal with. They even have an additional person to help them with hauling Johnny’s things now. Taeyong went straight to the kitchen, helping himself with a glass of water. “Why are you still here, hyung? I thought you’ve moved,” Taeyong asked casually. Taeil shifted awkwardly, and it was then that Ten started to look around. The house was bare of Johnny’s things, but traces of Taeil were all around it. His guitar leaned against the wall, and the TV was still paused at an episode of Brooklyn 99, the sitcom he and Johnny watched together all the time, and there was a single picture by the shelves. He’d never seen it before, but the clothes and the place was familiar, so he might have been there, but not paying attention when the picture was taken. They were hugging each other sideways and leaned their heads against each other, with Johnny’s eyes closed and with Taeil grinning broadly. It was framed simply, and it was placed in the middle of the empty squares, lonely and standing out.

“Are you the renter, hyung?” Ten finally asked, trying to confirm his suspicions.

Taeil smiled, then nodded. “I asked the caretaker not to tell him I’m not leaving.”

“Hyung,” Taeyong walked back to the living room, concerned expression written all over his face. “Isn’t it gonna be difficult?”

“I’m calling this my exposure therapy,” he said immediately as if he’s told himself that countless of times. “I need to get used to him being gone,” he explained further. “If I moved someplace else I might start thinking he’s just here,” he took a deep breath and looked around aimlessly. “Speaking of,” his voice trailed. “Can you not take the books?”

Ten looked at Taeyong, _what are they supposed to tell Johnny then?_ “You can just tell him you have them, and when he needs anything I can take them to you, and I will take care of all of them. Can they stay here?”

“Hyung, it’s okay,” Taeyong reached over to Ten, holding his thigh, like when he always does when he doesn’t feel nice or even just when he thinks he needs his support. “But can I ask why?”

“If you took them there would be nothing left of his here,” he looked close to tears but he held back, sitting up straight. “It would be just me and an empty house.”  


—-

 

For the first time since Johnny left, the seven of them were complete, and Taeil agreed that they gather at the balcony, the summer night’s air blowing coolly. The entire day was warm and although the temperature dropped significantly, it was still comfortably cool around the apartment because of the eucalyptus tree. The night started out rowdy and noisy and he genuinely had fun with his friends while they played board games and updated each other about their jobs.

It has been eight months.

And he still hadn’t heard from Johnny.

After a few weeks of silence from Johnny’s number, he had tried calling it but the number was inactive. He thought Johnny just simply moved to an American number and has a new roaming number that he doesn’t know about. He asked Yuta about it but he said he didn’t know anything about a new number. So Taeil just kept texting it and from time to time, and when he missed him so terribly he couldn’t stop himself, he called him. But he was always met with the same dial tone. By a slip of the tongue, Taeyong once revealed that Johnny has been contacting them all—everyone except him. By then, it became clear to him.

Johnny purposely cut him off.

He wanted to get angry at him, tell him that all of this is unfair and insensitive and hurtful. He was so hurt for a while that he couldn’t think without getting angry, but eventually, he realized, this distance is mainly for Johnny. He left because he wanted to work on himself and work on moving on, and work on being happy again. But he couldn’t help but feel so frustrated and miserable. He understood Johnny completely, he did. He knew it was difficult for him, too. He knew that if he had planned on just disappearing on Taeil, leaving would have been a struggle for him, too, because he had known that that might have been the last.

But sometimes… he just misses him _so much._ Johnny wasn’t just the person he was in love with, he was his best friend. He would think of how much he wants to see him and how he would give everything just to see him. Even if it was only from a distance. If it weren’t for the pictures he would have forgotten how he looked like.

He looked around his friends and suddenly got jealous. How many times had they talked to Johnny that week? How many times have they Skyped him and seen his face? How many times did they hear from Johnny today? He realized how Johnny took up a big chunk of his life, and maybe that’s why he felt like something was missing ever since he left. He must have taken it with him, considering those bags he took and the boxes he shipped, a part of Taeil must be in Chicago with him. He wished he would take it back and return it, though.

Sicheng just came back from getting more drinks from the kitchen and sat on the couch, but he suddenly sat up. He looked around his area, reached for something underneath the foam and took out a book. It was _Aristotle and Dante_ and Taeil immediately reached for it and Sicheng just handed it. “Were you reading that?” he asked innocently.

“No,” he denied. “Johnny was,” at the mention of the name, they all looked at each other. Taeil looked at the bookmark which was already nearing the end of the book. They never finished it, maybe just like them. He tried to act naturally, smiling at all of them. “I’m just gonna put it back on the shelf,” he excused himself before walking back into the house. He was tipsy and he was, therefore, more emotional than he is on a daily basis. Although, he didn’t cry in front of other people. Maybe only in front of Johnny and then that one time at the airport. But since then, he has learned to control it, even if it’s just in front of others. When he’s alone, especially before he goes to bed, he lets himself feel and express.

It’s been eight months.

When it is going to feel better?

He walked into the room where he put all of the things Johnny left and his old room where he put the book back. He once arranged it alphabetically by title, once alphabetically by author, once chronologically, and the latest format is color-coding. He approached the section with the blue covers when the door opened, and Yuta was there.

“Hyung,” he looked concerned.

“Come in,” he invited him as he clung to the door. He put the book in a space between two books and completed the lineup. When he was satisfied with up close, he took a step back to check it. He stared at the books, wondering if Johnny got to read all of it. He liked to read a lot but Johnny did this thing where he bought books recommended to him and it sometimes takes him months before he gets to it. Yuta just stood there, looking at the books.

“How is he?” he finally asked. Johnny had cut him off. But he didn’t. He might not want to hear from him anymore, hear from him, or as much as possible, not think of him. But Taeil does. He still wants to know what’s going with him, if he’s healthy, or if he’s happier now.

Yuta pursed his lips guiltily, “Hyung—,”

“It’s fine,” he nodded earnestly. “I know you’re just doing what he told you to do.”

The younger chewed on his lip anxiously, “I’d say he’s fine and dandy but it’s only been eight months. He’s managing, but he’s still struggling.”

“Is he healthy?” his eyes welled up, overwhelmed just by thinking that in _eight whole months,_ this is the first update that he has on Johnny.

“Yes,” Yuta answered quietly. Taeil nodded.

“That’s good then,” he played with his thumb, not knowing what to do.

“It wasn’t difficult for him to climb up the ladder right away, he hardly sleeps and rests and works all the time, everyone’s impressed but he’s tired,” Yuta suddenly added. “But I think he’s just doing that so he can stop thinking about you,” Taeil stopped himself from thinking about that and analyzing the situation. He’s trying so hard to stop himself from remembering how hard this is for him again.

“I want to skip this part,” he chuckled to himself. “I wanna feel better, I want to be better. I want Johnny to feel good again, too. That way, I can see him again,” his voice broke on the last word. “I miss him so much,” he said with finality, but he continued. “But is he ever coming back?” Johnny told many people that we _might_ or _maybe someday_ and nodded when people told him to come back when he _can._ But what if he can’t? What if he just said that to make them feel better, but he actually isn’t?

“I honestly don’t know,” Yuta hung his head. Sometimes Taeil forgets that all that hurt them, too. “I just honestly hoped this started sooner.”

“What do you mean?”

“If both of you just acted on this the moment you started liking each other,” Yuta expounded. “Then maybe things would be different.”

“That can’t be, when I like him he thought I was in love with someone else,” Taeil scrunched his nose.

“That’s not what I mean,” Yuta chuckled patiently. “He started liking you when we were Freshmen—and I knew you liked him, too.”

Taeil pursed his lips but eventually smiled. “How did you know about that?”

“You blushed every time he went near you,” Yuta smiled widely. “And you followed him with your eyes all the time.”

“Well, he’s hot,” he commented offhandedly, trying to downplay his huge crush on Johnny before.

“Not that way,” Yuta shook his head. “I know you, hyung. You don’t know why people like you and you prefer showing what you feel but you don’t understand it when people show _you_ how _they_ feel. Whenever he got too close, or when he hugged you and complimented you, you have this look in your face,” Yuta moved his hands, trying to express through it. “You look at him like, ‘what is this boy?’, like you can’t understand him and why he pays you attention. You looked at him like you didn’t know what to do with him,” and admittedly, he didn’t. He really didn’t understand how Johnny could tell him he’s cute or that he’s pretty when he really didn’t see it. “Eventually you looked like you would kick anyone who would hurt him.”

“I would have,” he admitted. The crush he had on Johnny then was very intense but he thought he did a good job hiding it. It was too intense that it scared him, he became too scared that he may fall in love with someone he didn’t have a chance with... with someone so vibrant, and warm and beautiful like Johnny. He would never be able to express with him properly, and he thought he wouldn’t understand. When Sicheng came, he was also cute, and beautiful, but he was like him. He was aloof and likes to keep to himself, and was ultimately private. He would understand Taeil. He shifted his attention and grew infatuated with him. Too infatuated that he’d almost forgotten how he felt for Johnny.

But there were times when he was reminded.

When Johnny is around others, he is reminded of how much he can’t achieve him and should never aim to do so, or he will just be colossally heartbroken. But there are times when he lets his guard down. When it’s just him and Johnny, when he’s rambling too lengthily to himself again, or when he’s just smiling widely, that one smile that reaches his eyes, makes his nose scrunch, and his chin meets his neck. When he giggles like the perfect person that he is, or when he hides his face when he’s shy, or when he unconsciously reaches out to him. Taeil lets himself remember why he avoids interacting with him so much. He thought Johnny is the boy he couldn’t fall in love with because he will never reach a level where he can deserve him.

“I thought everything will crash and burn if I let myself get too attached,” he admitted.

“Everything crashed because you both waited too long,” Yuta supplied. Unfortunately, he was right. What could have happened if they weren’t too scared? Would Johnny be here, still with him? He always thought people in love were stupid since a big chunk of their happiness relied on a person because he always believed that he could be happy by himself. It was true, and the fact that Johnny’s absence is making him miserable even after eight months is evidence that he still wasn’t ready. He’d still be too dependent. Johnny still had a lot of his heart but he needed to learn to live and be happy with that.

 

—-

One year later, Yuta told him Johnny is already managing the company and was doing so much better. Taeil was, too. He had progressed within the company and was assigned two new rookie artists whose songs were completely assigned to him. He missed him, terribly, of course, and he still wished Johnny was there. But the bottom line remains, Johnny will heal in his own time, and if healing makes him come back, he will, and if it doesn’t, well, he will just have to deal with that.  


—-

Two years had gone and Taeil had successfully buried himself in his work, distracting himself from the fact that it has been two whole years. Maybe Johnny just isn’t coming back. For the entire two years, he’d been hopeful—that Johnny will come back and they’ll be okay again, that he will be able to look up and smile at him again. And maybe for the first time, tell him that he loves him. For two whole years, he settled for unanswered text messages to an inactive number. Most days he would live like any workaholic would: work, home, work, home, work, home. He would hardly give himself any free time especially on days that matter. Johnny’s birthday, the Christmas season, and the anniversary of him leaving. He had quickly become one of the most reliable engineers because he worked even harder even during Christmas breaks. For two years in a row, they’ve assigned him _all_ the Christmas songs, knowing that he loves the extra work. He just wished he would be able to be less affected someday, so he can finally stop trying his best to bury memories. But it’s really hard to forget something you don’t want to disappear.  


—-

For the couple who got together last, Doyoung and Jaehyun sure are marrying first. He smiled at them as they goofed around, much to Ten’s disgust. “Go and get married yourself, then,” Doyoung teased.

“We’re saving for it, we’re not made out of money like Mr. Moneybags here,” Ten jokingly pointed to Jaehyun who just smiled widely. Taeil was so excited for his friends but at the same time, he felt nostalgic and even a little jealous. Not because they were getting married, but because they’re marrying in Japan, in Sapporo, no less. In Spring. Taeil remembered the promise Johnny made him, if he had kept it, they would have gone back two Springs ago, enjoying the lavender fields and cherry blossom paths. At the same time, he’s excited to see Sapporo in the Spring, everything had been so much darker because of winter when they went.

He kept on doing what he was tasked to do, which was to take the RSVP envelopes and pile them into the going, not going, or with plus ones piles. He listened to them bicker and joke around before one envelope stopped him: It was from Northbrook, Illinois and there was no question who the envelope was from. He looked around his friends who were still playing around, distracted to notice his internal battle. Just like the others, he opened the envelope carefully. It was turned over and his breath shortened—this told him if he was gonna see Johnny soon.

He turned it over, and there it was, addressed to Mr Johnny Suh.

 

 

 

And it was RSVP’d Yes.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> up next is johnny's three years ;)
> 
> what did you think of this? please tell me! :)


	22. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please forgive me for any mistakes, i am kind of sick and my brain is muddled. i will edit this as soon as i can. thank you!

He didn’t have the time to even process what was going on.

As soon he arrived, his mother scooped him up into the tightest and warmest hug ever and he couldn’t help but cry against her. All of his most pressing issues seemed to be staring at him right in the face as he saw his mom and heard and felt Chicago. He has ageing parents to take care of, he has a company to take over, he has a father to care for, and a mother to support. Plus, the weight of his decision finally hit him. Out of Korea and out of the skies, it had finally dawned on him: he left. He left his friends, and he left the love of his life in an airport, reaching for him as he walked away. He tried not to think about it, he tried not think of how Taeil whispered “don’t go” without realizing he said it. 

As soon as he got home he called his service provider and asked them to put an indefinite pause on his number, temporarily deactivating it. While they worked on it, he stared at the piece of paper he had in his wallet all the way from Korea. Scribbled there is Yuta and Taeyong’s numbers. They will give the others’ numbers eventually but not Taeil’s. They promised they won’t give him the number even if he asked or even begged. He thought Taeyong may be easier to convince so he’ll just have to wish he would be able to hold out. He knew the next few months would be difficult—he would have to get used to Chicago again when he haven’t been there in years, just with the drive home, he’d already seen how much the place has changed and how differently he felt there compared to Seoul. Maybe it was just the unfamiliarity of it all and the heavy feeling in his chest. 

His first few days he spent unpacking, visiting his dad in the hospital and visiting the office, barely even giving himself space to rest—not giving himself the chance to think. He knew that if he allowed himself to think of Taeil for an extended period, eventually he would want to call him. He’d miss him too much and all of his efforts would then be for nothing. He knew that maybe this wasn't the best course of action for everyone else, but he was sure that this was the best course of action for  _ him.  _ No matter how many times he thought of it, pushing through it was not a viable and wise option. The recent events would make him continuously unsure, insecure, and he would never be certain if Taeil really loves him back, or is willing to make it work. He may think he’s just acting out of pity, and would break him even more. 

The time away is necessary, as well as the communication ban—they needed time away from each other, and individually. They needed to deal with themselves, and finding happiness in themselves was required. But that didn’t mean that it wouldn’t be hard. He knew he would look for Taeil, he knew that one of these days, he’ll miss him so much that he might even try to reach out. But he needed to be resolute. 

_ This is for the best.  _ He repeated that to himself until he believed it. 

—-

 

One month.

He’d been back home for a month and he still hasn’t opened the notebook Taeil had given him at the airport. It was small and pale blue, kept close by a brown string tied around it. He knew that he may have to open it eventually but he kept delaying it, scared of what he may find inside it. He didn’t want ignore it, either. Reluctantly, he untied the notebook, and for a shocking second, he felt like he was back in Seoul—the apartment specifically. He could imagine him sitting in the balcony with Taeil, drinking juice pouches as they talked about school and each other. He eventually realized why it felt—smelled so nostalgic. Taped on the frontmost page is a camphor leaf, one that obviously belonged to the tree at the apartment. It was labelled, in Taeil’s careful, cautious handwriting. 

_ Camphor.  _

He turned the page and he was faced by something he was even more scared of. Taeil wrote a lot, but it wasn’t exactly a letter, too. 

_ Are there camphors in Chicago, too? _

_ I bet there are.  _

_ But nothing quite like this one—this one is ours. It weird to think that we have a tree, but we do. You just told us you’re leaving and weirdly, I suddenly feel like I miss you. That’s weird, right? I mean, you’re here. You’re standing by the kitchen counter, staring absentmindedly at the bacon you’re cooking. I hope you’d pay attention more, you’ve been attacked by the oil twice now. You’re just here—you’re making me breakfast, but I already miss you. Can you like—come here? I don’t want to sound needy so never say that out loud. How long are you gonna be in Chicago? Are you coming back? I hope you are. But at least I will still get to talk to you. I don’t want to know how difficult it’ll be if I won’t.  _

_ I want to tell you to stay with me.  _

_ But that would be selfish. I need you. But your parents need you more. _

_ Take this little thing with you. _

_ I hope you sometimes think of me.  _

 

_ x, Taeil _

 

Johnny clutched the notebook in his hands tightly, now realizing the content of the notebook. He didn’t dare open the next page. If he was right, and the notebook did contain what the thought he did, then he should reserve reading them for times when everything gets harder. He breathed deeply. It was hard. It was so hard not to think of him. He felt heavy, heartbroken, and he missed him intensely. He continuously stared at his phone, knowing that it doesn’t have anything that could help him contact Taeil but he was itching to  _ do something.  _

He wanted to cry, but he knew he had to control himself. If he wanted to move on, he should be able to control himself, even just a little bit.

—-

His office was cold and bleak and bare and he’s been calculating for he didn’t know how long. His fingers were starting to hurt and his neck was strained, but he continued to do it without pause.

He was intensely startled when the sharp ringing of his phone broke the mechanical silence. It was Yuta, and he knew he needed to answer it. It was an overseas call and he might have spent a lot on it. “Hey,” he answered. 

The pause was obvious, he called about something else but he suddenly shifted. “Are you still at work?”

“Yeah,” he stretched.

“Johnny it’s 1am there,” Yuta chastised. He looked at his desk clock and it did read 1:24 AM. 

“Oh yeah, it is,” he nodded simply. It was no longer new to him. For weeks now, he’d always been the last to leave, and one of the first to arrive. It might be cliched, but burying himself in his work proved to be effective and he did for God knows how long is work and go home. He visited his dad somewhere in between, but that was about it. 

“Johnny,” Yuta said more urgently. “Happy birthday.”

Johnny raised his brows, checking his screen for the date. February 9. It  _ was  _ his birthday, and if Yuta hadn’t called, he wouldn’t have even remembered. This also meant that the entire day, he walked around, worked, went on four meetings, and arranged for his father’s home transfer, and it marked one year ever since Taeil didn’t answer him and ran away instead of answering him. “Go home and get some rest,” Yuta reminded gently. 

“I will,” he sighed. He hung up then quickly saved his work before shutting his computer off. He opened his drawer, only to see the notebook there, loosened and inviting, begging to be opened. He figured, it was his birthday, and it had been so long since he opened it for the first time, so he might indulge himself even just once. He picked the notebook up and completely removed the twine, opening to the camphor, the scent ingrained in the pages, emitting a nostalgic smell. He bravely flipped to the next page revealing a tiny, purple petal. 

_ Lavender - gentle, graceful _

_ You are these two things. For someone so tall and huge, you have a way with your limbs and you always move like you were fluid, and you were so confident in your skin that it was a treat to observe. You knew what to do and that always looked so cool. Your hair is thick and when the wind hits them, it does this pretty thing where it flows all around you. Sometimes you’re so perfect you’re almost ethereal.  _

_ There was always something about brown eyes that make it prettier when the sunlight hits them—but there’s something about yours, maybe because they’re already slightly lighter than everyone else’s, that it  _ shines  _ when the light hits them. Do you have any idea how beautiful that is? How beautiful you are? _

_ Lavender - calm and serenity _

_ This is me when I’m with you. When you’re with me, everything is right in the world, nothing seems wrong, and everything feels like nothing could ever go wrong. They did, though, and I can feel you drifting away. You’re trying your best, and I appreciate it—I’ve always loved that about you. You’re always so kind and forgiving. I’ve felt the distance from you, is this how it’s gonna be when you leave? I bet it’ll be so much worse. At least right now, I can still see you, I can still talk to you. I can still see your laugh. I hope we can stay that way.  _

_ Now I realize—not everything goes according to how I want them to. It goes the way it needs to. Or I will never get to see you happy again. And that is what’s important to me.  _

 

_ x, Taeil _

  
  


_ —- _

Johnny quietly fixed his dad’s medication, organizing them into small containers while the other packets were thrown into the trash. His father was deep in his sleep, tranquilized by his high dosages while his mother was knocked out beside him. He just got home from another overtime, it’s almost 3 AM and the house already had an eerie feel to it. His mother had successfully convinced the board to let him take over a month ago, and she retired and decided to take care of his father full time. Being the new, fresh, inexperienced heir, Johnny had a lot to prove. He worked even harder, and was even more hands-on than he was as a department head. He couldn’t just fail his parents who entrusted all of their hard work to him. 

He was quietly sneaking out when his mother stirred and called out to him. “Johnny?”

“Go back to sleep, mom, I was just leaving,” he whispered.

“What time is it?”

“It’s almost three.”

She frowned then slowly disentangled herself from her sleeping husband. She approached him quietly and told him to go out so they can talk outside. “It’s 3 AM, you just got home?”

“I had so much to do,” he reasoned. 

“Johnny, I did the exact same things you’re doing but I never stayed until this late, and you do it a the time. It’s either you’re doing a terrible job at time management or something has been bothering you for two years now,” he chastised. “Did you not want to come home?”

“No,” he stopped her. “I just have a lot on my mind, I’m sorry.”

“If you think you’re the only one we want to succeed, then you’re wrong. If you don’t want the responsibility, you can tell us, we don’t want to pressure you,” she added gently. 

“No, mom, it’s fine, I just…” he looked for the right words to say, frustrated and exhausted. “I left a lot of things unresolved in Korea.”

She frowned, reaching for his hand. Seeing their home up close, and dealing with company put a lot of perspective to what his mother has been trying to balance the whole time he was at Seoul, taking trips and being too caught up with his broken heart. There’s nothing more heartbreaking that him leaving his mother here alone without any type of support. Months ago, he had decided that if he was going to stay for good, he’s going to focus on the most important part: taking care of her. “But it’s fine,” he immediately clarified. “I’m gonna get over it.”

She frowned worriedly, reaching up to him to smooth the spot under his eyes. “You just, look so tired. Not just with work. You’ve been weird ever since you came back.”

“I’m sorry if I made you feel like I didn’t want to be here,” he apologized, hugging her tightly. She has been through much for him to just give her another thing to worry about. “It just feels like, an open door, you know. I flew back here while I left a door open, and I can’t stop thinking about whether the door is closed now or did someone else close it for me—is it still open?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she chuckled. “But all I can say is if that door wants you to come back, then it’ll be open when you do.”

Before he went to bed, he decided to open another page of the notebook Taeil gave him. The third page had a leaf, stem, and tiny flower which he identifies as a clover. It was carefully taped on the page, and flattened with care. It didn’t have a label, but the writing was still there, this time neater and cleaner. Instead of one long paragraph, however, it was a cluster of smaller, shorter paragraphs. 

 

_ Stop pausing while you eat. Sometimes when you do all these random things, you suddenly space out, as if you suddenly got an idea. Sometimes you tell me about it, sometimes you just smile at yourself. You usually do it when you’re eating alone, and it makes me nervous. You can lose your appetite or even choke. Be careful when you space out.  _

 

_ You do know you’re handsome. But I don’t know if you know how much. You’re wearing the simplest clothes now we can finally feel Spring. You’ve rid of your oversized coats and made way for those thin sweaters that look really good on you. Some colors bring out the color of your eyes (which are really pretty, by the way) but no matter what you wear, you still look good so you don’t need to worry about which one to wear. You’re really handsome and sometimes looking at you is hard. Aside from the fact that you’re really tall.  _

 

_ I’m in the middle of my last class—and I suddenly thought of you. What are you doing here, this is my academic situation we’re talking about. Stop invading it.  _

 

_ When we were in Freshmen I told one of the Junior girls that you were my boyfriend so they’d all stop talking about you sexually. She doesn’t even know you personally. Does she really think you’re that shallow? Disgusting bitch. _

 

_ Last month you commented on my tiny hands a lot as an excuse to hold them. Now you won’t even breathe near me.  _

 

_ Your door has been locked for almost a month now. Can I just at least look at you? I don’t need to sleep beside you. I just wanted to say good night. I just wanted to say I love you.  _

 

_ White clover - I’m always thinking about you _

 

_ x, Taeil _

  
  


_ —- _

He kind of knew he shouldn’t have drank so much but when he started, he couldn’t stop. Company parties shouldn’t be the place where the CEO got flatout drunk, but he made sure he made it to his office before he started crying in front of all his employees and the board. As soon as the cold air of his office hit him, he sank to the floor behind his table, opening the blinds to reveal the lights of the building across as well as the life on the street mostly caused by their party. But his office was dark, cold, and quiet. 

He looked up at the moon—and started wondering for the first time since he left Korea— _ really think  _ of how Taeil is now. He felt terrible. In two whole years, this was the first time he allowed himself to think of the older. How could he be? Is he doing well at work? Has he been eating well? Is happy? He knew that the purpose of cutting off their communication is to move on and grow, and live apart, and find themselves away from all this. But it was  _ so  _ hard. He couldn’t count all the times he’d searched Taeil’s name in news portals, opening up his employee profile online, trying so hard not to press the  _ contact me  _ button. He relied on pictures online, and pictures Yuta sent which he made sure had Taeil in them for updates. He didn’t ask about him, but sometimes his best friends offered them off-handedly. Throwing new information around just to tell Johnny—Taeil was promoted, Taeil listened to that new song your company advertised, Taeil arranged that song your company bought… he never told them, but he accepted those bits of information quietly, appreciating every one of them. 

He stared at his phone, Taeil’s update phone number saved there for almost a year now, in a moment of pity, he managed to get to from Taeyong but he has never touched it—he didn’t know what to do with it. Should he ask him? Should he listen to his voice once again? Should he at least how him how he is?

_ How are you?  _ He sent the text message without context. As soon as he did, he realized how it was. It was too selfish of him—Taeil could be doing good by himself and might even be flourishing now that Johnny had left. He immediately texted Yuta. 

_ Accidentally texted Taeil.  _

He waited for a while, as he continued drinking on the floor.

He wanted to regret it, he did. He missed him so intensely that he could sometimes feel it rising in his throat whenever he thinks of how much he does. It took him almost all of him not too book random flights back just to tell him how much he wanted to see him. But he also knew that he needed to be responsible for himself. 

 He received a message from Yuta not long after. “Successfully deleted it. He didn’t see the message.” He exhaled, grateful for the help he’s been getting from his friends. He knew it was hard for everyone else, too. But he didn’t genuinely know what else to do. He didn’t know how else to cope and didn’t know know what else to do. Two years of emotions suppressed through over exhaustion and fatigue finally caught up with him, and he was only left on the floor, crying about the bright, full moon.

—-

Another white flower came next, taped safely on the page together with another message from Taeil. 

_ You are the most beautiful human being that I have ever encountered—you’re like a mix between and angel and a sorcerer. How could take my breath away every single time? How do you manage to take everything of me? You have all of my heart, and I don’t know how else I’m going to manage without you. But I understand—I understand what you’re trying to do. And I do agree. We both need time away, and we both need time to heal and grow.  _

_ But how come I feel so sad? _

_ How come I feel like you’re taking everything away from me? Why do I feel like I’m about to lose everything? _

_ You’re taking of my heart with you.  _

_ I know you don’t plan to do anything with it.  _

_ But please, keep it until you’re willing to return it yourself.  _

_ Yarrow - I love you _

 

_ x, Taeil _

  
  


_ —- _

He received a message from Jaehyun which simply said: I have mail for you, please do get the chance to see it. So when his mail arrived on his table that morning, he immediately asked his secretary to look for one from Jung Jaehyun while he worked. When she found one, she separated it from the file and put it in front of him. 

“That will be all, thank you,” he dismissed her, prompting her to walk away. The envelope was pretty and decorated, with two thick cards inside. It was headlined: Kim and Jung on pretty printed calligraphy, and if Johnny’s hunch was right, he might be faced my a difficult solution soon. 

The first card said, “I promised you—if Doyoung ever marries me, you’re my Best Man,” Johnny smiled, remembering the exact moment Jaehyun told him that. It had been so long ago he wasn’t even sure if he was still functioning and if his recall isn’t just a bunch of daydreams and nightmares. The other card was much heavier, and was better decorated—it was definitely a wedding RSVP all right. 

 

—-

The was one last entry left to the notebook Taeil left him, and he battled to himself whether he should open it or not. It has been three years—his dad has completely recovered, the company has been in a steady rise of the company ever since he was appointed CEO and President. Should he risk knowing what is at the last page? What if he’ll have nothing to look forward to in the future? What if it’s going to tell him that it’s all over? He would definitely not know what to do.

With his heart in his throat, he opened the last page with small, red, petals.

 

_ My beautiful, beloved, Johnny.  _

_ You are leaving tomorrow, and my heart has never missed someone so near before. You’re just passing right by me, so near that if I just reached out to you I can hold you again. You’re packing your bags and you’re collecting them from your room to the living room—you room now feels like my heart, empty and bare, and waiting for you to come back.  _

_ Whenever I tell you I love you, it’s always just in my brain but never out loud. Will I ever be strong enough to tell you? Tell you how much your world is an enigma to me, how I thank God your world exists to grace mine and bring beauty to mine.  _

_ I hope something can make you stay— _

_ I hope someone can make you stay— _

_ But until then _   
  


_ Astilbe - I will be waiting for you _

 

_ —- _

 

Johnny sealed the letter and told his secretary to mail it back to the sender. Before she could completely leave, he called her again. 

“Also Soonyi?” She pit-pattered across the room towards him. 

“Sir?”

“Book me a flight on the 9th. I have a wedding to go to.”

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please tell me what you think! ❤️❤️


	23. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally!!! i'm finally finished with it, please enjoy

Taeil and the rest arrived in Hokkaido first, determined to get some play time before they become too busy with the wedding preparations. But there wasn’t much to prepare, anyway, because despite the fact that have over 200 guests were willing to fly to Japan for their wedding, Jaehyun’s father also paid for a team of wedding planners who ran around trying to plan the wedding while Taeil served as their tour guide in Sapporo, so it was basically just an excuse to squeeze a mini vacation while they were there. The plan was to make it intimate and natural as they’re having the ceremony at an outdoor location, surrounded by tall green trees, soft lights, and wildflowers. The reception, however, would be at the hotel since they’ve been forewarned about the possibility of mosquitoes during the nighttime. 

The weather was sunny but cool, and Taeil couldn’t help but think that Sapporo’s image really did change depending on the season. Now that it’s April, it looks like a completely different place, splashed with color, life, and warmth. When touring them around the city, Taeil specifically avoided the places he’s been to before and convinced the other to visit the ones he hadn’t been to. He made a list of other places, instead of the park, which would be lined with multi-colored flowers and leaves instead of snow, and the Shinto temple, which would still be serene and pretty in the Spring. 

The night came and he sat alone in his room as the couples from the other rooms prepared for sleep themselves. The hotel they were staying at was the exact same one that they stayed in during his and Johnny’s vacation here, more than three years ago. They are, however, staying on a different room, and a different floor. The rooms were still identical, but the one he’s staying in is a room for one, and not the old two-bed hotel room that he and Johnny shared. Which he thought was a good thing—he thought if he stayed in a room too similar by himself, he might lose the energy he initially had. He’s saving that for nighttime. After taking a long, hot, shower, and changing into his pajamas, he dragged a seat to the balcony looking out onto the Sapporo streets. It was bright but it wasn’t the metropolitan lights you’d witness at a downtown Tokyo apartment. 

He was nervous—Jaehyun offhandedly, but intentionally mentioned that Johnny was arriving that night just in time for the ceremony the next day. For years, he wanted him to come back, he just wanted to see him again, but now that he was, he wasn’t ready to do so. Johnny would know how he felt—how he feels, as he practically confessed through the notebook he left him. If he read it, that is. He didn’t know if he’d grown enough and developed enough for now. Is it going to be okay this time? Is he happy with himself now? Fortunately, he was. As he sank himself deeper into his work, he started to genuinely enjoy it. He developed a healthy work-play pattern. Play being meeting up with his friends or staying at home to exercise. He also developed a weird liking for Netflix cooking and cleaning shows which did nothing for the state of his cooking or even the messy state of the house. It wasn’t canonically messy, but it wasn’t acceptable to visitors yet, and he hasn’t invited anyone over in months. The past year, he spent a lot of time with his sister, mentoring her with her new job, as well as helping his parents with retirement.

He wasn’t of much help for the wedding except for his limited knowledge of Sapporo and his contribution to the songs to be played during both the wedding and reception. Well, it wasn’t like Ten, Taeyong, and Sicheng were much help, either. Plus, Yuta being Japanese was his only contribution, himself. He leaned against the balcony, humming to the song playing loudly on the floor above his. He remembered that song, he hadn’t listened to it in such a long time now.

He’s always loved the singer and he still listens to his songs but he cautiously avoided listening to that one, feeling like the lyrics hit too close to home. He smiled while he hummed quietly, careful not to startle anyone who might start thinking he’s a ghost. He can barely make out a voice singing along quietly, stopping momentarily every now and then before singing again. It seemed like the song was on repeat, playing over and over again, and the listener didn’t tire of listening to it. Eventually, Taeil couldn’t help but sing along, but not too loudly. He’s still cautious about frightening the person upstairs if they suddenly heard a random person sing along. “There’s a room, in my heart where the memories were made, took them down but they’re still in their frames,” he sang, smiling bitterly to himself. He hasn’t opened his box of photos in more than a year now, scared of feeling nostalgic and missing Johnny again. Those might be dusty now, he was just sincerely hoped none of them was faded or was destroyed. 

As the night progressed, the everything had slowly become quieter and quieter, until Taeil just decided to go back into his room to finally get some sleep.

 

—-

 

Johnny’s secretary arranged a car for him at the airport and he was supposed to pick Yuta up on the way, who went grocery shopping somewhere near the hotel. As soon as he sat down, he tied his Omamori around the rearview mirror wishing for a safe drive before driving off, a practice he’s gone used to doing ever since he left Korea. He looked around the highways of Hokkaido, lively and colorful because of the fully grown lavender fields planted just by the roads. He lowered the windows, enjoying the cool spring breeze as it caressed his skin and messed up his hair. He drove for quite some time before a welcome sign for Sapporo finally greeted him into the city. His heart suddenly drummed in excitement, a smile unconsciously creeping up his face.

He made a few turns before he finally spotted Yuta, standing by the sidewalk with a few paperbags sitting around him as he looked around for Johnny’s car. He stops right in front of him, excitement filling his veins as he immediately jumped out and ran to Yuta, who immediately beamed at the sight of him.

“Johnny!” he exclaimed, smiling widely and opened his arms for him to immediately run into. He slammed against his friend hugging him tightly. He missed him so much, as well as everyone else, and he’s suddenly so excited to see everyone else.

“Let’s talk in the car, let’s get in,” Yuta instructed, rushing. “We can’t park here.”

“Oh, right, right,” he helped Yuta with the bags and loaded them at the back. 

While Johnny drived, they talked and talked and talked, mostly updates, some were gossip. A few minutes before the arrived at the hotel, though, Yuta suddenly stopped talking. Johnny glanced worriedly at him for a moment, “What’s wrong?”

“Where did you get this?” he touched the Omamori, turning it a little and studying it.

“I got that at a Shinto Shrine here,” he hesitated. “Three years ago. Taeil hyung prayed and bought this for me. He says it’s something to keep me safe so I’ve been using it every time I drive,” he explained while his best friend continued to curiously peek at it. “A Japanese employee of mine told me the Omamori only has one year validity so I just went to a Shinto temple in Chicago and had it ‘re-blessed’,” Yuta suddenly smiled fondly and leaned back against his chair.

“I think you should read the letter in there,” he advised.

He has considered it multiple times in the past, especially since the first time the validity of the omamori expired. But he didn’t really want to part with it, since Taeil gave it to him. So he just had his “luck” re-established and he was told never to read the letter unless he wanted to let go of the prayer inside it. 

“I don’t know if it still works I haven’t taken it to the temple last year and I was planning to take it here,” he shrugged, slightly weirded out by the smiled Yuta had. “That explains  _ so much,”  _ he smiled. “Well, at least, for me,” and for Johnny it didn’t.

“He loves you  _ so much, _ ” he chuckled affectionately just as Johnny parked at the basement space of the hotel. They had to get the paper bags and Johnny’s suitcase, and take the elevator up to his room, so they got busy with all the things they had to hold on to. When they’ve settled on the elevator, though, he finally asked. “What does any of that mean?”

“For Shintoists, an omamori bears not just only the blessing of the deities but the protection of the prayer of the person who gave it to you,” they were nearing Yuta’s floor so he handed him the keys to his own room as his room was one floor up. “Plus, that isn’t a protection omamori, it’s embroidery is too pretty. You should read the letter in it, it’s a love omamori. He probably prayed to love you for a long time,” he shrugged, just as the elevator doors open, leaving him dumbfounded in a hotel elevator.

 

—-

Each pair visited his room early in the evening, catching up and talking for quite some time, none of them mentioned his arrival to Taeil. When his room was finally silent and empty, he finally decided to take a little break do what he has been itching to do since he got there. His room has a very similar view to the one they had three years ago. He can still imagine watching Taeil move around the room busily while he sat at the balcony, drinking his early morning coffee. The sky was brightly lit with stars and he was already anticipating the good weather for the wedding the next morning. 

He messed around with the speakers he asked Yuta to buy for him and starting setting the mood. He turned all the lights off, chose a song and went to the balcony, and looked out onto the city. It was bright, but not in a polluted sense like the view outside his office window—it was a soft glow, casting all over the city. The song he chose played in the background repeatedly but he didn’t seem to get tired of it. He heard quiet humming from somewhere—he wasn’t sure if the singing was coming from someone the floor above him or the floor below him, either way, someone was enjoying his music as much as he is. He wasn’t also sure if the person was singing along to the song that he was playing or if it is a mere coincidence since they stopped occasionally in a while. 

He fumbled with the omamori in his hands, continuing to wonder if he should really open and read it now. He wasn’t religious but there was something symbolic about not opening it but at the same time, he’s also dying to confirm if Yuta’s right. The person humming along finally softly sang, he couldn’t make out the voice exactly, as it is drowned out by the speakers behind him, but he’s sure someone is singing along somewhere. 

Finally, he decided to open the omamori. For three years, he held on to it, taking it almost everywhere with him like a good luck charm. He reached into the small folded piece of paper inside the pouch and unrolled it. It was hastily written, with tiny letters all squished to one side. Johnny suddenly remembered that day and that Taeil was trying so hard to hide what he was writing from him. It wasn’t like Johnny could’ve seen it anyway but he still made an effort to do so. But that wasn’t the thing that made Johnny stop and just stare at the piece of paper in his hand.

The very first words were,  _ I love you. _

He closed his eyes and willed himself to breathe properly. His hand shook but his fingers were almost too strong and held onto the paper tightly--too tightly. He stopped himself from thinking that the three years might have been for nothing, but he managed to convince himself that it was necessary. They both needed to grow up. They didn’t need to change- but they really needed to grow up. Did that mean, that the entire time when they were in Japan…?

 

_ I pray to the gods that you be with me forever. _

_ I pray that you’ll continue to love me. _

_ I pray to the gods that I may love you forever. _

_ I pray that you’ll be happy all the time. _

_ I will always pray for everything that’s good for you. _

_ I hope I am good for you. _

_ I want to stay with you. _

_ I love you. _

 

Johnny promptly turned the music off that reminded him too much of Taeil and sat on his bed. There was no avoiding it now, the next day, at the wedding he would have to face what he has been trying to hard not to remember, and he will have to do something about it. How would Taeil be, then? What will happen? Trusting that he really has grown enough throughout the years, he might just have to leave and entrust that to tomorrow and he’ll have to hope he won’t fuck it up.

 

\---

 

Taeil sat at the very front with Doyoung’s side of the family as his best man while the entire place buzzed in excitement while waiting for the ceremony to start. There were so many guests it was a surprise they all fit in the clearing in the middle of the woods. Low-hanging lanterns and light illuminated the place in the late afternoon while the cool breeze which was more refreshing than the environment itself. He kept on looking around, looking for things he thought he could fix. He fussed over Yuta and Sicheng who were both starting to get annoyed with him constantly walking around restlessly. 

“Sit down,” Yuta pushed him down by his shoulders, and he did relent but he still kept bouncing his knee. “Are you the one getting married? Why are you so nervous, you’re pale,” Yuta chuckled but Sicheng elbowed him, gesturing to the back of the venue. Taeil followed his gesture and his world instantly stopped. He stopped bouncing his knee, and he couldn’t hear anything except the rush of blood in his ears. He tried his best not to look like he’s affected and as if the air has just been knocked out of his system. And he couldn’t stop looking. Johnny was standing there, slightly older, tall, beautiful, and still looks like the boy he fell in love with. Of course, he can be different now, may  _ a little  _ bit more mature, but  _ god  _ does he still look as beautiful as ever. How is it that all this time, he’s been wanting to get angry, to see him and tell him how much he’s suffered all this time that he was gone, and suddenly, it’s gone. Now he just wants to run to him and be with him again.

Johnny looked right at him, expression that usually held all the emotion in his heart, now unreadable and conflicted. His mouth twitched into a tiny smile and his heart spread with warmth.  _ They will be okay. _

 

\---

 

They hadn’t had the chance to talk throughout the ceremony. As Jaehyun’s best man, he sat on the other side of the aisle the whole time, and they were both whisked away from each other when it was time to go to the reception, looking over each other’s shoulders without a word to each other. When the reception started, they were both sitting at the same table but were divided by the grooms. There really was no time to interact except for when the dancing finally comes on. Johnny, however, disappeared even before then and Taeil had to wait again. Well, if he’d managed to wait more than three years, he sure could handle a few more minutes. 

When Jaehyun whisked Doyoung onto the center of the dance floor, Taeil quietly retreated to the bar, ordering a simple drink that didn’t burn his throat and didn’t reduce him into a crying mess in 3 glasses. He quietly watched the couple dance, forehead resting against each others’ looking into each other’s eyes while brandishing the most content smiles. 

“They look happy,” Taeil startled when Johnny suddenly appeared beside him, casual but cautious. He fought against expressing how much he’d missed him right away. He had to test the waters first.

“They do,” he spoke quietly, like he always does.

They were quiet for a while, an air of uncertainty bubbling around them. “How have you been?” It may not seem like to him, but to Taeil, this is a loaded question. How does he even answer that? The first year was miserable? That he cried himself to sleep half the time? That the second year he was just an overworked zombie? That this is the first year that he  _ finally  _ started to recover? How is he supposed to say that?

“Better now,” he summarized. “You?”

“Better now,” he nodded, copying his safe answer.

“I heard you’ve taken over,” he added to the conversation.

“I have,” Johnny smiled. “We’re expanding and I’m heading it. Plus, I’m super tired so it has been a blast,” he chuckled, pointing at his expertly concealed dark circles. Taeil looked up at him to look at his dark circles and he couldn’t help but glance at little at the eyes that he hasn’t looked into for so long. He missed him so much and he doesn’t even know how to act. Can he at least hug him once? He deserves at least that, right?

Johnny’s smile faltered, looking down at him straight in the eye. The heavy bass of a guitar intro came in the background, and it was like their smiles were synchronized. He was sure the memory was still fresh in their minds. They were in Johnny’s room, lips locked and kissing languidly, not rushing into anything, but they were just relaxed and comfortable, limbs wrapped around each other, smiling against each other’s lips or Johnny’s lips curling up against his neck--he knew they were both thinking of the same thing when they heard it.

“Would you think that…” he pretended to think, “It’s disrespectful if we didn’t dance to this song?”

Taeil couldn’t help but smile widely, scoffing good-naturedly. Johnny took a step back, offering his hand. “May I?” Taeil felt like his heart was an overexcited puppy, in front of his master, it’s just leaping and jumping out of his chest, unstoppable in its mission of cuddling up.

“Sure,” he took his hand gently, and he has never felt ever more right. He can feel their friends’ from across the room, watching them curiously, but he paid them no mind, focusing on having Johnny back, even just for a little while. They went into position naturally, because admittedly, they had done this countless of times, Johnny’s arms around his waist, and both of his hands rested comfortably on top of his biceps as they swayed quietly to Ed Sheeran. It’s reminiscent to the old times, and he suddenly felt like that isn’t real, but that it is a memory, instead. Of him and Johnny swaying, his heart finally back with him, and that he might be somewhere, right now, in reality, crying himself to the delusion of him being back.

He did a small squeeze and Johnny winced a little, that moment might have been real. 

“Are you okay?” Johnny leaned in to whisper to his ear.

He shook his head, inhaling deeply. He decided to be honest. “I just can’t believe you’re real.”

Johnny instinctively tightens his arms around him, holding him closer and flush against him, prompting Taeil to move his hands up to his shoulders and leaning his forehead against the base of his throat. He felt Johnny take in a breath as he tried to quietly sing along.

“My heart’s against your chest, your lips pressed to my neck,” he chuckled before continuing. “I’m falling for your eyes, but they don’t know me yet.”

Taeil smiled, it’s been a long time ever since the last time he heard him sing to him. “I missed you so much,” he finally admitted.

“I did, too,” Johnny almost choked up. “I missed you, too. So much.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's more to come, i hope i can update soon
> 
> what did you think? please leave a comment if you'd like  
> you can dm me too on twitter @choisoftcheol


	24. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> from 0 to 100

Taeil woke up to hesitant knocking on the front door—he wasn’t expecting visitors anytime that day, especially not this early. Fortunately, he has bathed and brushed his teeth for a meeting supposedly at 9 AM but was canceled. He has, therefore, retreated back to his room and struggled to finish Aristotle and Dante on his own before falling back to sleep. The doorbell rang one more time so he sleepily rushed to the door, glasses hastily perched over the bridge of his nose, and hair still unbelievably messy.

“Who’s there?” Against his good judgment and against the advice of every safety advisor in the world, he opened the door before the person outside got to answer. He froze on the spot, breath hitching to his throat. It was Johnny outside the door, equally as surprised as he was, if not more. Johnny didn't go back to Chicago, yet, saying he still had things to take care of in Seoul. He left for Korea on the same day but at different times, and he hasn't seen heard from him since. He wanted to get into contact with him, of course, but if he’s only visiting for a little while and he’d be gone again, he’d better just start believing that the entire encounter was nothing but a really good dream and nothing more.

“Hyung…” he faltered, still confused.

“Johnny,” he breathed, unsure what to do but say the name back. “What are you doing here?” 

He tilted his head as if to ask, _isn't he supposed to ask that, himself?_ “I wanted to check on the house and check on the renters.”

“Ah,” he cleared his throat awkwardly. Despite admitting that he misses him, he still didn't know where they stood, and he had no idea how he should act. “That would be me.”

Johnny gaped a little, as if he expected it but was still surprised at the same time. “Come in, come in,” he stood aside allowing Johnny to re-enter the threshold of the place that once was home to _both_ of them, and was the place where Taeil started realizing that way he wanted to bathe in his best friends’ eyes wasn't normal for someone who claimed what he felt was simply “just a little crush”. Johnny stopped in the middle of the living room, staring at the picture on display, unchanged ever since Taeil put it there almost exactly three years ago. He pretended not to mind that his entire heart is practically on display because of the photo, he goes straight to the kitchen and takes a glass of cold water before putting it on the living room table. Johnny was still looking around, marveling at how the place has changed, but not changed at all.

“How long have you been living here?” he asked, probably painting a timeline of all the renters, when there was actually only one.

“Four years,” he answered, making Johnny look up. He counted the year that they lived there together. “I never left.” Johnny's expression was frustratingly unreadable, and he couldn't figure out if this decision was wise or not.

 “Why didn't you?”

 “I couldn't,” he immediately admitted. “I found a new apartment, it was perfect. It was near the studio, it was much smaller, it had a little balcony, too, and it didn't have traces of you all around it,” he paused when Johnny's lips slightly twitched downwards into a frown. “But every time I came back here to pack I just couldn't get myself to leave,” he quietly pushed the glass of water towards him. “Drink first.”

Johnny quietly took the glass and took a sip of water, quietly thanking him. He continued to look around, picking up anything and everything within his reach. He eventually reached for a box Taeil placed under the living room table the night before. He wanted to stop him from opening it, but he was aware of its existence so it wasn’t like it would come as a surprise. He just let him open it. He called it his Pathetic Box. Years of being pathetic and weak and dense, all in one convenient location. Pictures of Johnny, both planned and spontaneous, movie tickets, the first notebook he filled with notes, the handkerchief he left in Taeil’s room that he used to wipe his tears when he’d confessed to Sicheng. It was pathetic because he consistently claimed to be in love with someone else, but had kept nothing from them even when they lived together as roommates. He cried because he almost destroyed a friendship just because he couldn’t get his shit together and because the person he should be confessing to is the one who sank on the floor, crying with him.

Johnny opened the box and looked at all the contents. “Ah,” he nodded as soon as he realized what it was. “I didn’t think you actually had this box.”

He raised his eyebrow, not realizing how much Johnny refused to believe there was ever a chance. Was he that cold, for him to firmly believe that Taeil would _never_?

Did he really make him feel that? “I’m sorry if I made you feel like it could never happen,” he said quietly, trying to slowly ease himself into actually saying something honest to Johnny.

He nodded; his eyes remained glued to the pictures the older has collected throughout the years. Some were fairly relatively recent: his birthday party three years ago, a picture of them in bed, cuddling and smiling, a picture of Johnny leaning over the railings dangerously while he tried to snap one camphor leaf, a picture of him eating cereal on the counter, a picture of him surrounded by boxes while he watched American sitcoms...and so much more. He hadn’t made the effort to count them but he’s pretty sure there were more than a hundred of the photos.

“You have _years_ of photos here,” he commented, mostly to himself. He proceeded to check the envelopes, turning them over curiously. Neatly written at the back was his full name and Chicago address. He looked up at Taeil, then back at the sealed envelope.

“One year ago,” he sighed, preparing to explain. It’s one of the things that he didn’t even allow himself to acknowledge. “After giving me the receipt for the rent, the landlady accidentally included wiring for you. It had your exact address on it. For a while I got so excited,” he looked down, smiling bitterly to himself. He can still remember how fast his heartbeat once he realized he now had direct contact with Johnny. “I wrote you a letter. Asking about when you’ll come back, asking about why I wasn’t given any contact, asking if I can still talk to you,” his voice shook involuntarily. There was a reason it was in the pathetic box. The box also included memories of things he regretted. “But then I thought: you could be happier. You could be enjoying life, you could be better there. So I didn’t send it,” he smiled kindly, before stepping away to open the door to the smaller room.

Johnny’s eyes lit up, his face immediately indicating the shift in his attention. “They’re still here!” He smiled widely, immediately getting up to survey his books and instruments. “Ten and Taeyong didn’t take them?”

“I asked them not to,” he shrugged, obviously downplaying the fact that he practically pleaded them not to. “Plus, it wasn’t worth the effort. I’m still here,” Johnny nodded, understanding that it _was_ a logical move. He went further into the room, carefully running his hands through the well-organized shelves, occasionally looking for some titles in particular. He eventually went to the side of the room where he arranged his instruments and sat in front of his keyboard. Taeil watched Johnny’s back from where he stood, as his muscles relax, preparing to play a little. Soft, repetitive notes filled the room, which Taeil immediately recognized as Spiegel im Spiegel. Johnny played softly, _so softly_ , and he felt like he was being entranced—entering a world that wasn’t his own. His feet have minds of their own, slowly taking Taeil forward, approaching ever so quietly.

He watched Johnny's fingers move against the keys, treating them so gently like he’s scared they would disintegrate if he pressed a fraction harder. He scooted slightly, inviting Taeil to sit beside him. He did take the vacant space so he can take the repetitive parts while Johnny took care of the rest, and even though Spiegel im Spiegel wasn’t a duet, they managed to sit there side by side, the sounds of the piano filling not only the room but also their fingertips.

The song eventually ended, and silence filled the room, as both of them refused to speak up. “It’s still in tune,” Johnny commented in a very quiet voice.

“I play it regularly,” he answered. “And I clean it often.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s nothing, really. They’re yours, so…” he didn’t complete his sentence, not wanting to divulge more without being prompted.

“So?” Johnny prompted.

“I didn’t have you to take care of,” he admitted. Committing to expressing in honesty from now on. “Might as well take care of your things. It distracted me enough.”

Johnny slowly turned to face him, swinging his long right leg over the seat, straddling it, before reaching for the hand nearest to him. Taeil looked at it, his hand finally around Johnny’s, and he couldn’t stop. For years, he’d envisioned how he’d feel if he held it like that again. He’s thought about it _so many times_.

But nothing compared to the real thing. Johnny leaned forward, leaning his forehead against his shoulder, taking quick, shallow breaths. Taeil held onto his hand tightly, like if he didn’t he’d disappear again. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, willing himself to act logically. Step by step.

Johnny slowly looked up and replaced his forehead with his chin on Taeil’s shoulder. “Hyung,” he whispered, ever so slightly, making him realize that he actually had his eyes closed. He blinked them open, turning to him. Johnny had never been this up close ever since their last kiss, more than one month before he left. Maybe slightly like this at the airport, but that was filled with pain. This one is filled with anticipation.

“Hyung,” he whispered again. This time, Taeil turned to him, desperation edging his soul, clawing at his chest—everything about him _ached_ for Johnny again. He clasped Taeil’s jaw gently, searching his face while his thumb caressed his face. It was placating the wild emotion inside of Taeil. It was like he had him under his control—all of him was powerless when it came to the younger boy. They pressed their foreheads together, breathing each other’s air, and it almost became too much. All the feeling in Taeil’s chest just came bubbling out the surface, and it felt like he wouldn’t be able to hold out any longer. He kept making tiny sounds from his throat as if he was struggling to stop words from spilling out.

Being in love with Johnny scared him all the time. Not because he was scared of the feeling itself—but because he knew he could hurt him. And he would let him do it. Johnny pressed the lightest of kisses on his tear-stained cheek—tears he didn’t know had fallen.

“I’m sorry,” he choked against Taeil’s cheek. “Were you hurt?” He tried to say no, he tried to reassure him. But he promised he wouldn’t hide anymore. So he nodded. “I’m so sorry,” he cried against his neck, wrapping his arms around him.

“I’m sure it was hard for you too,” he managed through his hiccups. “But it was _so hard_ , Johnny. It was _so hard_ ,” this time, the rush of his tears were unmistakable. “I missed you _so much_.”

“There were times when it got so lonely, even if everyone was around, I’d look around and look for you,” he choked out another sob, finally voicing out his entire heart. “And you weren’t there, I couldn’t find you anywhere.” 

“Most of the time, I’d find something to do. I’d work, I’d clean, I’d go around, _do anything_ —anything, just to stop thinking about the fact that only you can fill the emptiness. But you’re gone, and no matter how many times I _begged_ , Yuta wouldn’t give me your number.”

“Just _once_ ," he paused to breathe. “Just once. I wanted to hear from you. I wanted to hear your voice, I wanted to know that you exist and you weren’t just a figment of my imagination.”

“Sometimes I’d dream that you were beside me, sleeping peacefully, and I’d wake up and you weren’t there. One time I just sat there, and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I was betrayed by my own mind—it made me believe you were back but you actually weren’t.”

“I’m sorry,” Johnny cried against him, shaking and heaving. “I’m so, _so sorry_ ,” he lifted his head, his face marred with tears and Taeil’s first instinct was to reach over to wipe them all off. He hated hurting—but he hated it more if Johnny was. He cupped his face gently. “I don’t know if I can stand it if you left again,” he admitted. “If you’re leaving, and won’t come back again for years, please tell me. I just wanna get this over with one straight stab. I don’t want to get used to this just to be left again,” he winced, his phantom pain transcending to the physical. “Please,” he breathed. “If you’re just gonna leave again, please don’t make me remember how it feels to have you back.”

“Allow me to think you were just a dream.”

Johnny held onto his hand tightly, wiping his tears with the other. “I’m going back to Chicago next Sunday,” his heart dropped. As he closed his eyes, he immediately started wishing that he was just dreaming. “But I’ll come back again in a few weeks.”

Taeil looked up expectantly, his heart racing.

“We’re opening a branch here in Seoul,” he explained with a gentle smile in his face, more reassuring than anything. “And I’m gonna handle it. The headquarters is still in Chicago so I’d have to go back and forth. But my main office will be here in Seoul,” Taeil tried to suppress his smile by biting his lip, not wanting to assume what this meant.

“I’m coming back.”

—-

Taeyong’s latest professional success prompted him to throw a huge party that none of them can refuse to attend—well, maybe except for the newly wedded couple who were still in Japan for their honeymoon. Even though he didn’t want to, Taeil had to actually get dressed up for it. It was a huge party and Taeil continuously politely declined the invitation but Taeyong insisted. He was still preoccupied with his interrupted conversation with Johnny the other day. After he said he’s coming back Taeil had no chance to ask questions because he received an urgent phone call and had to leave right away.

He knew they had to talk again, though. Like… really talk this time.

The thumping bass of the music almost shook the entire place as it was filled with people both familiar and unfamiliar to Taeil. It looked fun and loud, but since most were adults who shared a professional circle, it was responsible. He was immediately attacked by Sicheng as soon as he came in, already slightly tipsy. “Wow!” He shouted in his face, making him back away a little. Hos boyfriend immediately rushed to their side, dragging Taeil to the center of the chaos. “You never attend shit like this!”

Taeil chuckled, amused by Sicheng’s surprise. “Taeyong threatened me to come,” he shouted loudly.

He was immediately handed a cup and a shot and was urged to drink right away. “Wait,” Yuta stopped him before he could even take the shot. “Did you have dinner?” No matter where they went or how drunk he was, Yuta always managed to be the caring one.

“Yes,” he nodded, prompting the small crowd of his friends to cheer and urge him to take another shot. Then another.

 

He eventually became shaky on his footing, but he still didn’t join the dancing. It was too wild and sexy for his liking. He preferred slow dances under soft music, not grinding to drum beats. He drank more, though. Considering it was Friday, he didn’t really mind having to sleep longer the next day. He walked outside to the balcony area as soon as those who were smoking cleared the place. Yuta and Sicheng appeared by his side almost instantly. “Hey there,” he stumbled to the nearest seat, followed by his boyfriend.

“Be careful, you two,” he took another sip as the two tried to sit properly after they’ve practically crashed onto the seat.

Yuta looked at the flowers decorated there and laughed, “These ones look familiar,” he chuckled again, squinting at the flowers. “You’ve grown a liking to flowers, hyung. What is this called?”

Taeil glanced at the pretty yellow flower. “They’re daffodils.”

“Daffodils! Oh,” he squinted at them again, trying to remember why they were so familiar. He looked at Taeil then at the flower again, and his face slowly transformed happily. “I remember now. These were the ones Johnny brought for the opening of your play!” He seemed very proud of himself, taking another swig of his drink.

Taeil tried to remember that day. Yes, he got flowers from a lot of people. But none from Johnny. He even got a flower from Sicheng as a congratulatory gesture, but he couldn’t remember if Johnny brought any. “He didn’t give me flowers that day,” he told Yuta.

“Yeah,” he nodded earnestly. “He saw you blushing at the flower Sicheng gave you and threw his away,” Taeil immediately felt like someone trampled on his skin.

_He what?_

“I saw him debating to himself if he should give it or not, he went in and wanted to give them to you but then he saw, and then backed away. I followed him out and saw him throw the bouquet away. He ever cried a little, poor thing,” Yuta tsk-ed. He was already honest when he was sober, now that he was intoxicated, even more so. “He was _always_ so sad,” Sicheng lamented in his drunk state. “Especially when I was around. He always looked at you looking at me and he always seemed like he gives up a little every time, poor thing,” he shook his head, “But I knew you liked him.”

“I told him and he noticed,” Yuta interjected.

“I was your unofficial rebound hoe!” He dramatically pointed at himself, fake crying with his boyfriend, reminding Taeil of the Kardashians when they fight. “You forced yourself to like me because you didn’t think Johnny would like you back,” he continued fake crying. He suddenly paused and looked up dramatically “All of this, and Johnny’s heart was **crushed** ,” he made a dramatic sound complete with movements before he was pulled away.

“Okay, okay,” Johnny appeared by the entrance of the balcony, fresh and handsome, pulling the two up from the couch. “Okay, get up, get up, get some water, wash your faces, go, go,” he slapped their butts to get them going, prompting them to skip around shouting ‘choo-choo’ as they went through the crowd.

Johnny shook his head smiled, looking for the two before they completely disappeared from the crowd. Taeil looked at him. He didn’t know half of Johnny’s pain. He couldn’t imagine all the things he has said in done in all those years in college that could have hurt him. He buried his face in his hands, remembering the time he told him Sicheng was “the one” and that there could be no one else. How stupid was he? What was he trying to do?

“Are you okay?” Johnny knelt in front of him, holding both his thighs.

“Fine,” he sighed, looking up at him. “Just overwhelmed.”

“It’s okay now, it’s okay,” leaning their foreheads together, Taeil felt like yes, it’s fine, but they still needed to talk about so many things. What are they going to do now? He held onto his shoulders, pressing his nose against his cheek, loving how he continuously reminded himself that this is real. “Is it still me?” Selfishly, he finally asked.

“It’s _always_ been just you,” Johnny had tilted his face and pressed his lips to the side of Taeil’s. “Only you.”

Taeil tilted his head a little—the moment their lips touched it was as if three years of waiting disappeared at a snap, crumbling and disappearing right before his eyes. He was home, and nothing mattered but Johnny’s lips against his. Johnny pulled away slightly, “Is it still me?” He asked back.

Taeil slowly smiled, “Still crazy in love with you,” he mirrored the growing smile in his face before their lips crash together again. This time, there was nothing gentle about the kisses they shared, they were open-mouthed, lips against lips and lips against teeth, Taeil was bent backward as Johnny kissed him with more intensity and hunger that he hasn’t experienced before. He pulled Taeil up by the waist, maneuvering them together until Taeil was flush against the wall, panting at the ministrations and the tongue inside his mouth. He couldn’t help but moan at the sensations, melodic and gentle as Johnny’s mouth move to his jaw, leaving a trail of saliva in his wake.

He suckled on the sensitive skin on his neck, and it almost became too much for Taeil. “Let’s go,” he whispered with urgency. Johnny cradled his head and went back to his lips, kissing deeply and wantonly. “Johnny let’s go,” he panted in between kisses. “We should move somewhere more private,” he panted, smirking devilishly. Johnny smiled against his skin and pulled his arm, taking the longest strides, even picking him up to carry him when he couldn’t keep up, taking him out of there.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhhhhh it is me or does these two need to talk MORE?
> 
> please forgive me for any errors, i would do the overhaul editing process as soon as i’m done with the story
> 
> what did you think? please leave a comment when you like, and thank you so much for reading! ❤️❤️❤️


	25. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’M BACK CRUMBNATION I RISE FROM THE ASHES (mushu voice) I LIIIIIIIVE!
> 
> i’m sorry this took too long my brain stopped working for a while there. i hope you enjoy this ❤️❤️

Warm sunlight filtered into the room an assaulted Taeil’s vision, making him groan and squint away. He had black curtains which were always drawn shut so there was no reason for him to be attacked this early in the morning. He squinted one of his eyes open—heart immediately stopping when he made out a silhouette of a tall man standing there, looking out the window onto the balcony.

“Johnny,” he called out, coming out softer than he imagined it. “It’s too bright. And too early,” he complained, turning away from the window, willing himself to go back to sleep.

He could hear light footsteps padding across the room towards him and he tried to stop himself from anticipating. The mattress sank as Johnny knelt by the edge, leaning down to press a kiss against his hair, murmuring quietly against it, “It’s too dark in here,” one of his hands went to his bare back, caressing lightly. He pressed another kiss against his temple and Taeil couldn’t help but smile. “That’s the point,” he tried to sound annoyed but he was weak against him especially when he was that cuddly.

Johnny’s arm finally draped over his stomach, his thumb gently caressing while he tried his best to go back to sleep, but to no avail. “You don’t want to spend the entire day with me?”

“I wanna sleep more,” he clarified. Even though he _did,_ they slept so late the night before he’s sure he hasn’t had more than 3 hours of sleep. “Why did we sleep so late,” he groaned, burying his face further into his pillow.

Johnny adjusted and laid down to spoon him, leaning in close to his ear. “You’re the one who wanted to go one more time,” he whispered, teasing. He tried to shove him off, annoyed. “Aren’t you really gonna wake up?”

“No,” feeling that Johnny was finally giving him what he wants, he settled comfortably and allowed him to press soft kisses against his hair. “Okay, I can make breakfast and I’d just wake you then. Okay?”

He nodded before turning around to face him, pulling him a little closer. “You can go make breakfast when I’m sleeping again,” he murmured against his shirt. He can always _pretend_ to be annoyed by him, or he can just ignore whatever he says but when it matters, Taeil will always, _always_ want to be near him, and look at him, and feel him and remember that they have this now, and they should work hard to make it _work_ this time around.

The next time he woke up, he woke up to two fingers pressed against a spot on his neck as Johnny leaned over him quietly. “Are you checking my pulse?”

He jumped away, surprised. “Thank God,” he sighed in relief. “You were so still.”

“And your first instinct was to _check my pulse_?” he groaned as he sat leaned up against his elbows. Because of all the drama between the two of them, he had almost forgotten how adorably goofy the other was. However, he felt that he was on edge, smile not quite reaching his eyes.

 

“Listen,” he sat back down in front of him, wrapping a warm hand around his ankles. His hand was soft against his skin, caressing gently. “My flight back to Chicago is tomorrow.” His heart dropped. He _just_ got him back, it hasn’t even sunk in yet, he still feels like this is a dream. That all of this is a very vivid dream that his strained mind had formulated on its own—that all of this is just his mind playing tricks on him. And now he has to go and leave again.

His distress might have been obvious since Johnny immediately reached for his hands, kissing both of them before wrapping them around his tightly. “I’m coming back soon, don’t worry. I just need to sort out my transfer, I need to prepare everything I need, and then I’ll come back here. Give me two weeks, max. Is that okay?”

 

Taeil stayed quiet, not exactly willing to let go of someone he felt like wasn’t completely there, yet. But it wasn’t like he could actually stop him—that would be selfish. If he wanted to change things and do it right this time, he knew he needed to be understanding and he knew he had to trust Johnny. He didn’t have to worry. He’s gonna come back.

He nodded, “Yeah, sure,” Johnny pulled him forward leaning their foreheads together. “Do you wanna eat now?” He whispered, breath gently fanning his face.

 

Taeil was suddenly overcome by a strong emotion and he suddenly had to close his eyes. Hey could feel Johnny tense up, so he held his arms, caressing it gently to assure him that it was nothing. “Hey,” he coaxed anyway. “Are you okay?”

He nodded, cracking a smile. “I just,” the heavy feeling lingered in his chest, but he _knew_ it wasn’t supposed to be there anymore. “I just couldn’t imagine how I survived the three years,” he started involuntarily laughing at himself. He’s being so dramatic for no reason. “I’m okay,” he assured, planting the lightest of kisses against the others’ hand. Johnny quickly turned it over to cup his jaw gently. “I know we still need to sort out a lot of things, and we need to talk about a lot,” he said quietly while he caressed Taeil’s cheek with his thumb, observing the additional cushion to his skin. “I thought that I would have to reserve it when I come back—I don’t want to leave you hanging again.”

Taeil nodded. At least this time, he has something he can hold on to: a promise. He couldn’t deny that there was still a tiny, obstructive voice in his head that fear-mongered him into thinking that Johnny might leave him again, but he tried to ignore it.

“And I have plans for us,” he smiled enthusiastically, sending shots of pleasure throughout Taeil’s body. Nothing made him happier than seeing Johnny smile—especially because and in front of him. “It’s a secret for now, and I still have a lot of work to catch up on but I’ve got it all listed down.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” he replied honestly. He anxiously chewed on his lips, a habit he developed while he worked at the studio. He always chewed his nails as a child but since he had to use both hands while he worked, he had to make do of his lips. “I honestly missed you so much,” he scooted even closer, wanting the assurance of Johnny’s warmth against him. “I’ve always been used to having you.”

“You _do_ know why I had to, right?”

He nodded, but he couldn’t help but feel but there was still something _missing_. “I hurt you, and it was important for you to figure things out away from me,” he nodded earnestly. He’s repeated this to himself so many times it almost sounds rehearsed—this was the only thing that kept him grounded all these years: the thought that Johnny could gain something positive out of all of it. “And in the process, you were hurt, too.”

“But no, it’s fine, I’m fine,” he shook himself out of it, immediately changing the topic on his mind. He tried to think of other things right away. “I still have work to do today, you?”

“I have to pack,” he nodded, getting up and offering his hands to help him stand. “Let’s go have breakfast.”

  
  
  


That night, since Taeil had work the next day, Johnny asked him out for dinner before he leaves for Chicago the next day. It was cool spring night, and it had been _so long_ since they were just like this. He remembered back when they were still in college and everything was so much simpler that what it is right now. They’d have a quiet morning shared without words as they tangoed around the house, preparing for school. Johnny would _always_ make food for two, and sometimes even lunch for him, too. He’d always remember where Johnny’s notebooks are and he reached for them under the couch or point to where he saw it last. They’d go to school and separate at the building when Johnny went to class in another building while Taeil went to the other side.

If neither of them text or call first about missing lunch, they always met each other at the fourth floor, they’d go back to class, then Taeil would go to practice for the production while he subconsciously looked around for a long-limbed boy to tiptoe into the hall and he always felt better--more relaxed when he did. He wouldn’t admit it to anyone but he constantly looked for him whenever he felt nervous because he knew that Johnny’s eyes didn’t judge him and that no matter if he fucked up or if his performance wasn’t as perfect as he wanted it to be, he knew Johnny thought very positively of him and it was such a boost to his self-esteem and confidence. He loved watching Johnny with other people, he had such charisma and he always knew how to be the sunshine of the room. He was always so nice, and kind, and spoke with such grace he hardly said anything that offended anyone--he was always in his element with other people and sometimes Taeil just looked at him, wondering how a person could be _that_ magnetic. He wondered how, this boy, who could attract anyone with working eyes and a fully functioning brain stuck with him when he could have just stuck with literally anyone.

But his favorite part of the day was when they went home. If it wasn’t raining or snowing or too cold, they would _always_ walk home together. Even when they weren’t sharing the house, yet, they lived in the same direction. Taeil’s apartment complex was nearer to campus so Johnny always walked with him before catching the bus on his own. If there was one thing he missed in all those three years—if he _had_ to pick one, it was the late night walks. Of course, the kisses and the hugs were good, but those were post-just friends Johnny and Taeil and that carried a lot of questions and complications with it.

But night-walks Johnny and Taeil…those were something else. It didn’t just highlight their relationship and it wasn’t just the foundation of what they have become, those walks encapsulated them both as _friends_ and as companions. It was never boring with him. It was never uncomfortable. It was always safe with him. They usually talked when they took those walks—about their days, about stupid rumors circulating around the school, about their friends, sometimes about books, sometimes about life in general. Those nights didn’t only show Taeil how starkly different they were, but how _compatible,_ too.

Johnny was always the one who stopped to look at the stars and always asked Taeil to watch them with him. If he didn’t, he might never look up. Taeil is the one who tells him about there are so little in the night sky now, though. Either indicative of rain, or of Global Warming in general, and Johnny just cracks up at how ironic he was. He usually wondered why the other found him amusing at times like those, but now he knew.

 

He was appreciative. But dismissive.

He was observant. But clueless.

 

But compared to all their other walks, the memories that this particular road had not been positive for Taeil. Well, for the both of them. “Hey, where are we going?” he stopped, the familiar road bringing up some not so breezy memories.

“To the barbeque place,” Johnny smiled.

“This place…” he looked around, with the same rickety old street lights, the too dark alley that he wanted to desperately get away from, and that tiny crack in the middle of the road—that was right where Johnny stood when he confessed to him and he’d left him alone.

“Don’t think about it, okay?” he smiled, reaching over for his hand and squeezing it reassuringly. “Don’t worry about it, we’re just going to get some food, don’t be sad. That was all in the past. It’s different now.

Taeil nodded earnestly, squeezing Johnny’s cold fingers in return. “Okay.”

  
  


On their way home, Taeil had been rushing away, waddling quickly while catching up to him was of no challenge for Johnny. “Hey,” he chuckled when he finally caught up. “Why the rush?”

“I don’t like it here,” he complained childishly. He knew he was being childish and that he was acting irrationally, but he couldn’t help it.

“Ok, I’m sorry,” Johnny suddenly stopped, forcing him to stop his brisk walking to face him. “But I brought you here for a reason.”

He looked around, they were right where it all happened three years ago—Taeil could remember the same street light that stood directly over them. His heart sped up, pounding his chest, mostly from the exhaustion of speed walking on a full stomach. “What do you mean?” He inquired as he approached Johnny. “What are we doing here exactly.”

“Our problem is we never communicate with each other,” he said all in one exhale. “You have something bothering you, you keep it to yourself, I have something bothering me, I keep it to myself. All we encounter along the way is miscommunication and a lot of bottled up frustration, and we need to work on it,” he said gently, as if cautious that Taeil didn’t share the same sentiment. But he did. Oh, lord, _he did._ If there was anything the three years taught him, is that he and Johnny _needed to talk. A lot._ And not _just_ talk, but listen and understand, too. But the problem is, he’s never been good at that. So, as a gesture that he is willing to do his part, he _told_ him. “Johnny, I’m not good at this and you know that,” he started off. “But you are. And you can help me and I can help you with...whatever you struggle with.”

“I’d like that,” he smiled. “I brought you here for that very reason,” he looked around. Taeil did, too, and he tried to take up a Johnny outlook. If he was Johnny, what would he see right now, instead of the place where everything started going down?

Well, what he’d see are the vibrant, colorful flowers who thrived in the cool spring time. The air was fragrant and cool, and he was holding hands with the most beautiful boy in the world.

“I know you’re still scared,” he assured, occasionally caressing his hand gently. “And I am, too. But I thought, this all started when I agreed to help you move on,” he smiled mischievously, remembering the completely cliched beginning to all this. “So I’m gonna continue—I’m gonna help you move on from the bad memories. Let’s replace them,” Taeil’s chest expanded. He didn’t know what made him say it back then when _deep inside_ he knew it really didn’t matter to him much if Sicheng was in a really official with Yuta. He had known that Sicheng preferred his now-boyfriend over him and it was completely no surprise when it happened. There was a nagging voice in the back of his mind that told him that he just made himself believe that so he can have an excuse to spend more time with Johnny.

It was terrible. But it was just a thought. He didn’t know if those were his actual intentions.

Suddenly, Johnny let go of his hand and backed away. “Let’s change the history of this street,” he smiled as he moved around to get the exact spot. Taeil followed him, not really caring if it was exact, but he just made sure to keep the similar distance.

“Moon Taeil,” he took a deep breath and relaxed, his hands neatly tucked into his pockets. “I’m in love with you,” Taeil’s heart surged with an all too familiar feeling that filled his lungs and head, it made him feel breathless and woozy. He knew. He now clearly knew how Johnny felt about him, but there was still something so _special_ about hearing it. “I have been since we met, I was almost the entire time I knew you, I was still in love with you a thousand miles away from you in Chicago, and I am still in love with you now,” he smiled a little, but he stayed still, feeling like he still wanted to say more. “So now, three years since we were last here…” Taeil felt like he knew what Johnny was gonna do. He was the one who acted in a musical but Johnny was more of a performer more than he was. “Taeil what is this? What are we?”

There were no phone calls this time—and even if there was, he won’t take it anymore. He isn’t scared anymore.

“Well, Johnny Suh,” he wasn’t very good at this but he _wanted_ to. Even though his words might be sloppy and cringey, he at least has to try and deliver to Johnny at least a fraction of what he actually felt. “I’m madly in love with you, too, so if  it’s okay with you,” he put his own hand in his pocket, anxiously picking on a lint. “I’d like to be your boyfriend.”

To say that Johnny was surprised was an understatement. He gaped, mouth forming an adorable ‘o’, before he covered it with his hand. Johnny knew he was going to respond with something—anything. But he didn’t expect _that._

“Are you serious?” Johnny’s face was so comical he couldn’t help but laugh.

“Your face,” he cracked up. “I’m serious,” he stepped forward, trying to pry Johnny’s hand away from his mouth, still maintaining the gasp pose. “Hey!” He chastised playfully, pulling at Johnny half-heartedly.

“Never,” he exhaled. “Never in my entire life did I expect you to ask that.”

“Why not?”

“You know,” he frowned, putting his hand down, finally, just to rub Taeil’s biceps in reassurance. “I just never expected. I didn’t want to have false hopes,” he pulled Johnny forward, wrapping his arms around him, trapping him in a hug, including both his arms. He pressed the softest of kiss on his chest, “Answer me, though,” he joked.

Johnny shrunk into his arms, sighing. “I’d _love_ to be your boyfriend.”

Taeil loosened his grip on him and looked up to his watery eyes, “Hey, no crying, we’re both happy,” he chastised, feeling like Johnny was getting emotional. Johnny smiled and leaned down to press kisses against the side of his lips, then the tip of his nose, and although he has done it so many times before, it always made him feel like he’s doing it for the first time. His face and neck always heated up from the attention. Johnny pressed a tight kiss against his lips, before making it land on the side of his lips again.

“The production is having a reunion performance next month,” he murmured quietly against his cheeks. “Maybe you can bring me flowers and _actually_ give them to me this time,” the horror on Johnny’s face was much enjoyable than the last before he pulled away, faking offense and jokingly running away.

 

He can’t believe he’s so in love with that fucking dork.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whaddyu thiiiiink  
> i know i removed the /26 chapter limit but that doesn’t mean this isn’t gonna end soon. i just don’t know when EXACTLY it’s gonna end because i’m wordy and i may think the content may fit in 2-3 chapters but my ramblings may extend it further sksksksks
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this  
> it’s been 6 months since i published this, thank you so much to all those who are still reading
> 
> i love yall 💞💞💞


	26. Chapter 25

Taeil readjusted the headphones while he made some minor changes to the arrangement with the help of Jungwoo who was sitting outside the booth, waiting for his instructions. He added a few minor changes with the harmonies before putting the headphones snug around his ears again. “Jungwoo, I’ve changed some lines and harmonies can you bring it back to the top?”

“Sure thing, hyung,” the engineer smiled kindly, maneuvering the buttons to adjust the volume. He eventually looked up, “Ready?”

Taeil nodded before he started singing from the top again, carefully inserting the changes he made to it. After the first verse, Jungwoo paused the recording. “Nice,” he commented, saving the first part. They were both working on a song for an idol group, a ballad which Taeil was given his (first) opportunity to compose which gives him a lot more pressure. The song was supposed to be released in the group’s Japanese album so he had to work on its entirety with a Japanese lyricist but he was also allowed to write a Korean version, just in case. Jungwoo is quite new, but he was extremely talented, and Taeil got to take him under his wing right away.

“Hyung, not to be a kiss-ass,” he started doing the face where Taeil was sure he was about to kiss his ass. “These harmonies are _out of this world._ How are these boys going to pull this off?”

“Well, they’re known for their vocals so…” he shrugged. “Shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Plus,” he speaks to the microphone again. “You’re doing the demo? They have _big_ shoes to fill.”

Taeil smiled. It wasn’t rare for Jungwoo to unnecessarily flirt. “Shut up and play the next verse, Kim Jungwoo.”

“Yes, sir.”

 

 

Taeil had to rest for a while as he sat cross-legged in front of the panel, staring absentmindedly at the control panel while he sipped lukewarm water. “Is this good enough, Jungwoo?” He murmured.

“It’s _really_ good,” he faked sniffed. “It made me feel so many things.”

“Shut up, be honest!” He hit him with the water bottle.

“Honestly, hyung, the vocal and melodic harmonies alone are enough to make a grown man weep.”

“You’re always exaggerating,” he chuckled. A soft knock interrupted their quiet conversation as the receptionist peeked into the studio. “Busy?”

“We’re taking a break, why?” He turned his chair to face her.

“Somebody’s here for you,” she smiled, opening the door wider before Johnny’s grinning face came into view.

“Hi.” He smiled sheepishly, making Taeil’s heart skip a beat as he couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear. He wanted to spring off his seat and throw his arms around him, but he decided against it, especially since they’re in the company of someone who’s a stranger to Johnny. Instead, he opted for a much slower reaction as he set his mug aside and approached him without haste.

Johnny had gone back to America to prepare for the move and he hasn’t seen him in person in almost a month. A tiny part of him dreaded that he might never come back—but now, it’s gone. He’s back and he has never been more excited. “When did you come back?” He asked, his voice almost too high to be his.

“Just landed,” Johnny pulled him into a hug, which he returned for a second before pushing him away. “They’re moving my things to the new apartment right now but I just wanted to see you first,” he breathed, cupping his face gently with his hand. His face visibly reddened, just as Johnny turned his attention on the bewildered Jungwoo.

He raised his brows at Taeil, as if to prompt the introduction. Taeil immediately startled, turning to Jungwoo. “Johnny this is Jungwoo, he’s a Junior sound engineer and he’s helping out with the demo recording today. Jungwoo, this is Johnny my… uhh…” he looked at Johnny, unsure of how to continue. They’ve _confessed_ to each other, told the other how much they love them and they’ve woken up on the same bed multiple times, but they haven’t exactly discussed this part yet.

“Boyfriend,” Johnny filled in, extending his arm toward Jungwoo, which the other took firmly into a handshake. “I’m his boyfriend. Nice to meet you, Jungwoo.”

“Oh,” Jungwoo looked at Taeil curiously. “Hi, Johnny, nice to meet you, too. Pardon my surprise, I just didn’t know hyung had a boyfriend.”

Johnny smiled kindly, eyes crinkling. “Nah it’s fine,” he assured. “It’s fairly new.”

Taeil looked at him with his own surprised expression. When it comes to the two of them, Taeil had a higher propensity of introducing them that way just to avoid confusion. Johnny and his indecisiveness had less. Historically, Johnny had introduced them as even _much less._ Once, they had just become acquaintances and when someone asked, he said they were “practically strangers” even though he had Taeil’s number, and had even gone to get coffee twice before, just the two of them, simply because he didn’t want to be presumptive. To say that the move is highly uncharacteristic would be an understatement.

Jungwoo guided them back in, offering Johnny a seat. “Thank you,” he murmured absentmindedly as he stared at the recording booth. “You were recording something?”

“Yeah, hyung was just taking a break. You want me to play what we have?”

Johnny turned to him excitedly. “If he’s okay with it, it’s fine.”

“It’s not like you haven’t heard me sing in the shower countless times,” he sighed before nodding at Jungwoo’s direction who seemed perplexed.

“Ah,” Johnny chuckled, pleased for some unknown reason. “That’s true.”

Jungwoo eventually replayed the recording which Johnny attentively paid attention to. He seemed captivated, eyes glossed over and jaw hanging slightly open. Taeil’s heart swelled with how Johnny appreciated the song—smiled at Taeil’s favorite parts, although people usually don’t notice those parts. Johnny reached for his hand and pulled him closer before Taeil decided to sit gingerly beside him. Sometimes, he looked critical, but he thought was just the Music Executive in him seeping through. When the song ended, he immediately turned to him.

“You wrote that,” he observed, his voice filled with emotion Taeil can’t quite place.

“How did you know that?” Even though the entirety of the song had been in Taeil’s mind for _years,_ it had never completely taken a solid form and he had never let anyone hear it. To think that Johnny knew without him giving any clues about it is completely curious for him.

“I recognize it. It isn’t the entire song, just the intro.” He smiled. “I don’t know if you remember. This was _years_ ago. I was studying for an exam, we were in my room and you were playing with the keyboard absentmindedly. _That intro—_ you played it then, I think you realized the potential so you played it again and recorded it on your phone. You didn’t notice that I had stopped to listen to you. You were also harmonizing over it. ‘Better day, better day, better day’,” he smiled widely at Taeil, full of pride and other unexplained emotions.

“ _How_ did you remember that?”

“Well,” he suddenly seemed sheepish. “I remember a lot of things about you.”

Taeil wanted to throw himself over him—both in appreciation and because he missed him but Jungwoo suddenly cleared his throat, reminding them that they still had company. Taeil looked away awkwardly, trying to stop himself from giggling. “Anyway,” he smiled. “I need to record a bit more. Are you staying?”

“As much as I’d love to hear your beautiful voice over and over again,” he reached over to tuck a loose strand of hair behind Taeil’s ear which he instinctively swatted away. “I still have a meeting in about an hour and I need to change. 14-hour flight, you know.” He shrugged his coat back on and Taeil had the strongest urge to smooth the lines that have formed on his skin. It was dry and obviously unhealthy, while bags and dark circles formed around his eyes.

It was normal for company executives to be tired, but for someone who manages a company as big as theirs and as established as theirs, it made him wonder what is causing all this physical stress. When he squeezed his hand, he also felt that it was trembling slightly.

“Have you had any coffee for today?” He asked, seemingly nonchalant, although he needed him to answer that.

“Not yet,” he shook his head. “I went straight here.”

He frowned. Now that he has context (aka how much Johnny does for him out of love), he’s started to get frustrated about how much of his energy he pours for him, and it annoys him to bits. “Okay, don’t do that next time,” he chastised gently, giving him a tiny, but forceful, pat on the shoulder, making the taller wince. “There’s a coffee shop a few doors over. Get your caffeine before you leave.” He liked sounding stern, but even more so when it came to Johnny.

Although he had obviously moved away from his childlike self and moved to the responsibilities that he was given, he still looked sheepish when Taeil took that tone. “Yes, sir.” He joked.

“Let me walk you out,” he offered quietly and excused themselves to Jungwoo who smiled a polite goodbye to Johnny. When they were in the privacy of the hallway, Johnny immediately swiveled around, crouching to face him a little.

“I am _so_ sorry,” he breathed. “I’m sorry I did that without your permission.” Even without context, he knew that Johnny was referring to calling him his boyfriend. “I had no right to do that, I’m sorry.”

Taeil smiled, the Johnny he knew was seeping out and he can’t help but feel nostalgic. “Why, though?” He asked, without a lace of anger.

“Your workmate looked like he desperately wanted me to introduce myself as a friend,” he chuckled, motioning to the door which separated them from Jungwoo.

“What do you mean?”

“Hyung, no offense, but I speak by experience when I say you can be dense sometimes,” he reached for his hand, still leaving Taeil confused and clueless.

“I didn’t want to give him the impression you’re not taken,” he scrunched his nose. It may look like he’s just annoyed, but Taeil knew him, the expression Johnny had on his face at that moment meant even _he_ doesn’t approve of his own actions. “But that’s not for sure, though, maybe it’s just me being clingy.”

Johnny felt terrible. In a bout of possessiveness (which he _absolutely_ shouldn’t have), he almost outed that little boy. It was _so_ obvious that he’s smitten about Taeil—well, who wouldn’t be? And when Johnny came through the door, he saw it, the same look in his face and the look in his eyes whenever Taeil started talking about Sicheng back then: an uncontrollable expression that mirrors that tiny gleam of hope. But he knew he had to extinguish it right away. He didn’t want him holding on to something that might end in heartbreak. He hated seeing that look, not because the look meant that someone else had eyes for Taeil, but it just reminded him too much of himself, and he couldn’t help but feel sorry.

That boy may not even be out, and he just told Taeil that.

“You can tell him it isn’t true though,” he offered apologetically.

Taeil studied him, looking up at him. “Nah,” he shook his head. “Let’s keep it that way. I like it that way,” he added quietly, making the sides of Johnny’s lips turn up a little bit. However, he frowned again.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized.

“What for?”

“I wanted to ask you out better,” he frowned. “I wanted it to be more romantic.”

“Johnny,” Taeil suppressed a smile, cringing at what he’s about to say. “I’ve waited three years for you, even though I didn’t know if you were even coming back. Plus, you’ve done so much for me already, I don’t mind.”

“But—,” he frowned deeply. “I didn’t want it to be because I wanted to threaten a child.” Taeil couldn’t suppress his smile as Johnny complained childishly.

“You didn’t scare Jungwoo away, don’t worry,” he quietly reached over to clasp a hand around his wrist. Johnny exhaled, “I didn’t?” He finally joked.

“Go now,” he let him go, looking away. “You still need to see after your things.”

“I’ll see you on the show?” He reclaimed Taeil’s hand in his, squeezing gently before he pulled him forward into a hug. Taeil has been participating in theater productions again and for the first time in a few years, he finally gets to sing to a crowd again. Johnny wouldn’t miss it for anything.

Taeil subtly buries his nose against his shoulder, taking in one indulgent inhale before he let go. “See you then.”

—

 

Johnny stood outside the theater, watching as families, couples, and friends arrived for the opening, while he stood at that same spot back then, almost four years ago, freezing in the late autumn bite—now smiling the fresh spring breeze. He had a bouquet of flowers then, ones he threw away and ones that Taeil had never seen. Now, though, he only had a tiny envelope tucked inside his jacket: safe and snug.

He spotted Yuta and Sicheng by the door—Sicheng had not been able to participate in the production because of a minor injury that didn’t need agitation but he was continuously there to support, anyway. They waved for him to hurry, and just as Johnny slid into the hall, an announcement was made that the show was starting soon. They rushed to their reserved seats and waited until the lights dimmed, only to be greeted by Taeil’s soft, warm, voice, that opened the first scene.

—-

 

Just like the last time he went to watch Taeil perform and act, Johnny was immediately pushed back by the rush of people who had gone to take Taeil’s attention, and just like before, he had immediately chosen to stay back, sure that he was going to find his way to him anyway, more sure now than before. Yuta and Sicheng had gone backstage probably to greet the other cast members, especially Sicheng’s dance troupe.

He was held up for a long time, though—longer conversations with scouting directors, most probably, and some, Johnny even recognized as record label representatives. Although he led the advertising company now, he was still closely working with the recording company he previously managed but Taeil’s name had never been brought up. Maybe due to the fact they mostly focused on Asian-American artists in the United States and he hadn’t really been hands on with the branches outside of the United States. But he would be heavily disappointed if the company didn’t have a representative present and talking to Taeil.

He just sat there gingerly, waiting, until _finally,_ Taeil was making his way towards him, free from his fans. “Hey! Hey,” he had immediately reached out to Johnny, unconsciously opening up for a hug which Johnny happily accepted.

“Hi,” he greeted back with a huge smile, barely even managing to contain it. He planted the slightest of kisses against Taeil’s hair, conscious that the older might not appreciate the public display.

“Do you need some time to change?” He offered.

“Is it okay?” Taeil checked, apologetic that he has to leave Johnny again.

“Yeah, of course,” he nodded, patting his cheek gently. “Oh, wait,” he pulled him back. “I got something for you.” He fumbled for the envelope inside his jacket, before he gently handed it to Taeil.

“You got me something,” he smiled. “I thought you’re just never going to give me anything after the flower incident.”

“Speaking of,” Johnny tried to hide his mortification. “Where did you get that information? I’m pretty sure I never told anyone.”

Johnny was smiling but Taeil frowned. The memory still stung, but Johnny has moved past it—it’s been _years_ since then. But to Taeil, the information was still brand new. “Yuta. He said he saw you.”

Then it clicked. Johnny remembered that day. Yuta did call him back. “Forget about it. I got you something this time,” he giggled, absolutely proud of himself. “Don’t read it in front of me, though.”

Taeil walked backward and away from him, smiling slyly. “I’ll see you outside.”

“See you.”

 

—-

 

The wait wasn’t difficult since it wasn’t a cold, winter night, unlike the first time he’s had to do it. Plus, cast members who were familiar with him stopped often for a little chat—usually to tease him about Taeil and how long they’d been together. He had to clarify multiple times that, yes, they’re together _now,_ but they weren’t back then. Still, no one believed him. After a while, Yuta and Sicheng also stopped to chat with him for a while but they had to leave after a while.

Eventually, it was just Johnny by the parking lot which was almost emptied after everyone had left. He just stood there in silence, quietly wishing for Taeil to hurry as he felt the temperature drop. It wasn’t long, however, before quiet footsteps came up behind him.

He turned around to see Taeil, wrapped in a thin coat and scarf, staring at him with the most intense facial expression he’s seen him wear.

“Hey, wh—” he didn’t get to finish his sentence because Taeil had harshly pulled him by the collar of his coat and pulling him down for a hard kiss. It took him a while to react but when Taeil wouldn’t budge, he relaxed and pulled the older into his arms, moving his lips gently against his. Suddenly, Taeil took a sharp breath through his nose and immediately deepened the kiss and he pulled him impossibly even closer with his hands moving towards Johnny’s back, soothing through gentle circles. “I love you,” he whispered against Johnny’s lips and his heart _soared_ through impossible heights. There was nothing more intense than the feelings he had for Taeil and for years, he thought that it was never returned, and for years, he didn’t mind that it wasn’t.

But now— _now—_ Taeil had himself wrapped around him, lips pressed together, telling Johnny he loved him. And it took all of him not to cry right then and there. “Fuck, _I love you so fucking much,_ ” he repeated before pressing a kiss on the tip of Johnny’s nose, then under his eye. “I love you, Johnny.” Johnny’s eyes had fallen shut, and he didn’t even notice, not before Taeil kissed his eyelids gently to make it flutter open. “I’m sorry it took me too long.”

He immediately shook his head no. “You took the time you needed, and I did, too.”

Taeil pulled him into a tight hug, crumpling a piece of paper that Taeil had tucked into his own coat. It was the letter, not unlike the one Taeil gave to him before he left for Chicago. The envelope had, not only a letter but also a pressed piece of flower in between the sheet. Taeil pulled back only to lean in closer for another kiss.

“Oh,” Johnny pulled away for a while. “I love you, too.” Taeil laughed, before going back in for the kiss, as he held onto the letter, tight between his fingers, but careful not to crush the tiny flower inside.

 

_Daffodils - The Sun is Always Shining When I’m With You_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’M BACK! I’m very sorry this took me so long to update. For those of you who don’t know, more than a month ago, I got into a minor accident and I got a minor fracture on my right wrist. I’m left handed but it still made writing super difficult for me and I wasn’t able to gain proper, painless mobility until around 1-2 weeks ago. There’s still pain, but I really wanted to update this already. 
> 
> As you’ve observed, this fic is nearing it’s end, and I’d like to know what you think happens. Sorry if there are errors and mistakes, I will edit this as soon as I can. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are much appreciated! Thank you for reading ❤️


	27. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm alive. i have been resurrected

“Where are we going?” Taeil inquired, holding onto his jacket as he tried to keep up with Johnny’s long strides. 

“You remember the barbeque place near here?” As they turned a corner, the street had become familiar—too hauntingly familiar. His heart dropped and dread filled him when he realized that it was the same street where Johnny had attempted to confess to him and he had run away. 

Johnny turned to him innocently, smiling widely, but the smile plastered on his face immediately dissipated when he saw the expression on Taeil’s face. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Johnny,” he tried to express it without articulating. He looked around and he felt like he was being brought back to one of the worst nights of his life. 

“Wait, shit,” he cursed when it dawned on him. “I’m  _ so  _ sorry. I completely forgot. I—,” he sighed, looking around for solutions. “Should we just go somewhere else?” Johnny reached for his hand and accepted it held it tightly on his. He had lost weight significantly, it was hard to miss. His eyes were sunken and gray, and his clothes hung around him awkwardly. He was still extremely pretty, though, since his eyes still twinkled with mirth and his lips were pulled up to a smile. 

“You’re hungry,” he reminded him gently, bringing up Johnny’s hand and kissing his knuckles gently before tugging it forward. “Let’s go eat.” Johnny hesitated but Taeil pulled him gently. “They’re just memories,” he assured. “We’re here now.”

They walked in silence, still hand in hand, allowing the silence to envelop them comfortably. “Sometimes, memories can hurt—sometimes memories can kill, sometimes you’d just want to forget them” Taeil suddenly spoke up, walking slower and unconsciously leaning close to Johnny. The lines were familiar, almost  _ too  _ familiar for Johnny. It had been years when Taeil said something different, but back then, it had been about Sicheng. “But not with you—,” he cleared his throat. “When it comes to you, I would rather remember  _ everything  _ than remember nothing at all.” He looked up at him to smile. “Everything,” he emphasized. “The good  _ and  _ the bad.”

Johnny smiled and squeezed his hand gratefully. “But we can still do it, right?” Johnny asked, pulling him closer. 

“Do what?”

“Litter the little places with better memories,” Johnny’s eyes glint in anticipation. “I’ll watch you sing and I’ll bring you flowers every time and all our happy memories will trump all my memories of throwing away those flowers in the trash,” he suggested. “We can walk this path over and over again, talking just like this, until that night will merely become a distant memory. We can still do that, right?”

Taeil didn’t think he could love anyone else more than he loved Johnny at that exact moment. He instantly regretted all the times he said he loved something else or someone else because then, he realized that none of them had been true. This—he—Johnny is who he loves.

“We have infinite chances for it, my love.”

  
  


—

 

Johnny’s secretary told him he'd probably be working seriously but she buzzed him into their floor anyway. "He could be knee-deep in work right now," she warned quietly. "He hasn't intercommed in almost 2 hours. But busy or not, he likes seeing you so," she shrugged as she reached for the button underneath her table that unlocked the door to Johnny's office.

"Thanks, Yoojin," he smiled playfully, sliding a box of the premium donuts Johnny's secretary loved so much. 

"You never need to bribe me but you do it anyway," she giggled as the other secretaries looked over in anticipation. "Keep this up and these two will gladly buzz you in when I'm not here." She motioned to the two other secretaries.

"Good, then," he smiled at the two before grabbing his bag and leaving the three. Johnny's company wasn't steely and mechanic like many others that he had seen but was rather filled with framed records and brand logos of their wide clientele, most of which have already been secured through mother branches in the West but still needs validation in Korea and still needs Johnny's attention. He stopped at one of the photos which showed a young boy group endorsing a brand of canned soda. Johnny represented the brand, Taeil wrote and arranged for the boy group. He even had a hand in composing the song they eventually used for the ad, but he had never directly or even indirectly worked with Johnny. 

He knocked on his door. "Johnny?" he called in a low, quiet voice. "Babe?" He knocked again.  _ Maybe he was wearing earphones.  _ Taeil turned the knob only to find his boyfriend fast asleep on his chair, mouth hanging open and snoring loudly. He let out a chuckle as he immediately slid into the room quickly and quickly closed and locked the door. 

"What will I ever do with you, Suh Youngho." He shook his head fondly before making his way through the maze of paperwork haphazardly lain on the floor, careful not to misplace any of them. Johnny's system may be mayhem and chaos for others but  _ years  _ of studying with Johnny showed him that there was a system only Johnny understood and you should never mess with it. He even became closely familiar with this system when he started writing study notes for him back in college. 

Johnny continued snoring as Taeil stored the takeout into his mini-fridge then rummaged around for the blanket he kept somewhere. Based on the time of the texts he's been receiving in the past few days, it was obvious that Johnny has very little sleep. They have a huge deal to seal soon—a deal so big his parents were even flying in soon to help him out. He couldn’t even manage to do anything outside of work for weeks now. He either falls asleep in his office only to run home to take a quick bath before going back right away, or Taeil manages to drag him home only for him to go right back to work. Taeil had work to do sometimes, too, but he had to look after Johnny sometimes or he’ll just drop from exhaustion. He’d wake up in the middle of the night to find Johnny still practicing his speech, pacing back and forth across the living room. 

Taeil approached his sleeping figure, too out of it to realize that someone had been walking around his workspace. He gently puts a blanket over him, one that smelled of familiarity that Johnny always cuddled up to before he retreated to the couch to read and transcribe his new arrangement quietly while Johnny continued to sleep. He’d already texted Yoojin to make sure no one disturbs the room—her boss deserved this, and she thoroughly agreed. 

Taeil continued to work while Johnny slept and weirdly enough, he could concentrate deeply despite the snoring. He thought the snoring even helped his concentration. Jaehyun  _ had  _ asked him before since he’s already had experiences with Johnny’s snoring. “How do you sleep through all that? Do you wear earplugs?”

“No,” he frowned, thinking why it didn’t. He and Johnny had slept beside each other countless of times in the past and he always snored but Taeil managed to fall asleep anyway. “Well he’s comfortable and I always feel safe with him, maybe that’s why.” He shrugged. “Plus, I sleep like a dead person—there can be a fire outside and I can stay asleep unless forced awake.” He'd say.

Jaehyun chuckled, shaking his head. “A snorer and a dead sleeper—you’re made for each other.” 

“Babe,” Johnny’s voice suddenly broke the relative silence. Taeil looked up from his work, smiling at Johnny’s messy look. “How long have you been here?” He croaked. Taeil laid his work by the coffee table before glancing at his watch. “Around 2 hours now?”

The shock on Johnny’s face had almost directly manifested. “What?!” He sat up, blankly but frantically looking around. Taeil hastily sprang from his seat, striding over. 

“Hey,” he called gently before kneeling by his seat. “ _ Hey, _ ” he insisted a second time, prompting Johnny to look up. “What did you tell me back in college?”

“A lot,” he answered right away, jokingly. 

“Yes,” Taeil smiled, glad that despite everything, Johnny still managed to joke a little. “But what did you tell me about preparation?”

Johnny sighed. “‘Never lose sleep over preparation or you’ll miss things you wouldn’t if you had enough sleep’,” he quoted himself. “But babe,” his lips twitched upward a little, his body involuntarily reacting to the endearment. “This isn’t just me this time—thousands of lives depend on how I do.”

“Yes,” Taeil agreed. “But you’ll do much better, and you’ll secure their futures better if you made no mistakes—and you’ll achieve that if you just  _ went to sleep. _ ” He raised Johnny’s chin with his finger. “Baby,” he looked at him in the eye. “Your clients won’t receive you well when you’re looking  _ this  _ unhealthy, plus, your parents won’t like seeing you like this.” At the mention of his parents, Johnny’s face transformed into that of resolve. 

“Okay,” he sighed deeply. “Fine. I’ll sleep at a godly hour tonight and I’ll get 8 hours of sleep. Happy?” 

Taeil frowned. “Bitch, no,” he stood up straight. “Issue #2, meals,” he continued, prompting Johnny to laugh loudly. “I love you,”  _ he  _ craned  _ his  _ neck up for a change and pulled Taeil down by the collar for a long smooch on the lips. 

“You should  _ eat, _ ” Taeil attempted to continue even though their lips were still pressed together. “I got you a lot of food.”

“This is enough right here,” Johnny murmured, biting Taeil’s lower lip before attempting to soothe the pain with a quick swipe of his tongue. 

“Bad boy,” Taeil groaned against his lips before moving away completely, making him whine. 

“ _ Hey, come back. _ ” 

Taeil moved back to the couch and continued with his work. “Eat the food I got you maybe  _ then  _ we’ll talk.”

  
  


—

A few days before the client presentation meeting, Johnny had  _ finally  _ gotten color back into his skin and he actually started looking like a  _ live  _ human being all due to proper sleep and increased food intake. They both stood in the kitchen, seriously reading the instructions for the pancake mix while Johnny stood there without a shirt because Taeil had been wearing it. Before they could figure it out, however, Johnny had to run off to the bathroom for his daily morning deuce. 

Taeil tried to continue reading the instructions but the doorbell had rung. “Johnny!” He called out. “Someone’s at the door.”

“I’m pooping!” He yelled back. 

“But I’m not decent!” He quickly dashed over to the bathroom, knocking urgently as the doorbell rang again. 

“Just hide the bottom half of your body with the door, it’s fine,” he could hear the mirth in his boyfriend’s voice. Taeil grumbled, still hesitating—his last push was another urgent sound of the doorbell. 

“Fine,” he gritted out. “Coming!” He yelled towards the direction of the door. Before fully opening it, Taeil had pulled his shirt down sufficiently, thankful he at least had boxer shorts underneath even though they’re too short and Johnny’s shirt swallowed it. 

“What is it?” He asked as soon as he opened the door. He couldn’t help the horrified gape his face morphed into when he was met by the utterly kind expressions of the two faces that combined forcefully to make Johnny that beautiful. 

“Hi!” Johnny’s mom smiled. “Taeil you’re here,” she pulled him into a hug, not even taking notice of his less than presentable, and completely implicative clothing, before walking right inside. 

“Taeil,” his father nodded while Taeil frantically and continuously bowed at the both of them. “Did you have breakfast?”

“We were trying to cook some,” he answered nervously as he followed them to the living room. “Should I make you some, too?”

“Sure, darling, thank you.” His mom smiled, looking around the place. While they tried to settle into the couch, Johnny apparently had succeeded in the bathroom and suddenly bumped into him intentionally, wrapping him in a hug and tried to press a kiss against his neck before he noticed the company. 

“Your parents are here,” he smiled at him, although his eyes expressed all of his panic. 

His smile was frozen in his surprise, “Hi, mom, hi, dad.”

 

—

He didn’t know if it was adrenaline or the sheer pressure of trying to impress his parents but Taeil managed to make some of the pancakes as edible as possible and even managed to quickly dive for the maple syrup. Amidst all the chaos, he managed to leave Johnny with the pan while he changed into sweatpants and came back to his mom flipping pancakes expertly with him. “The secret is low heat,” she was whispering to him gently while his dad sipped coffee by the counter, listening and watching them intently.

Taeil approached the counter awkwardly but was immediately made welcome by his dad who had offered to make him coffee. “Thank you very much,” he mumbled when a mug was handed to him. They watched the two fondly as Johnny tried his best not to mess up while his mother giggled and encouraged him at the same time. 

“So,” his father turned to him. “Finally.” He raised his brows suggestively, but Taeil had no idea what he meant.

“Pardon?”

“Well… how long has this been going on?” Taeil shrugged, maybe about 3… or 4 years? “Around seven years?” Taeil raised his brows in curiosity. He knew that Johnny had liked him for a while before they even started… well, you know, but he didn’t know his parents knew. “Oh, he didn’t say who it was exactly,” he clarified. “But his mom and I connected the dots. He never mentioned anyone and then you and Sicheng came along, he mentioned both of you to us, then suddenly, one Christmas break while he was home, he suddenly asked us if it was okay he married a boy, so we  _ thought  _ ‘what brought this on?’ so we figured, it’s either you or Sicheng.” He shrugged. “But certain events in his life eventually led us to assume it was you.”

Taeil smiled, Johnny and Sicheng were close but not nearly as questionable as the closeness he had with Taeil. Although he tried to deny it for years, he honestly really couldn’t blame every single person who thought they were together since looking back, they did have a questionable friendship. “The Japan trip?”

His dad nodded, smiling. But he eventually pursed his lips seriously. “When he was back home,” he reached over to pat him on the shoulder as a gesture of comfort. “It was admittedly difficult to watch him. I felt like it was my fault for forcing him back home when he obviously wasn’t ready.”

“No,” Taeil shook his head insistently. “He wanted to go home. He missed you a lot, believe it or not, the first time we met, the first thing he said was ‘I miss my parents’.” Taeil smiled at the memory, attempting to comfort Johnny’s dad.

“How in the world were those his first words to you?”

“We were in Yuta’s apartment then, we were watching a movie and I was invited along with their usual group. The movie had a scene where the parents tried desperately to save their child. We were sitting beside each other and he suddenly leaned in and whispered, “I miss my parents” then he started crying.”

He laughed, looking over at his son who had turned to them. “What’s so funny?” Johnny demanded. Johnny’s dad looked mischievously at Taeil as they both just smiled at him. Johnny had a quizzical look on his face before he shrugged then turned back to cooking. 

Taeil turned to Johnny’s dad seriously. “Don’t think he didn’t want to come back because he wanted to, he knew you needed him and he loves you both more than anyone else in the world.”

“But he struggled so much,” the old man frowned. “He worked such long hours and came home at ungodly times of the night, and when he arrived home he had to constantly take care of me and his mother, checked my medication and made sure his mom ate and drank her own medicine. Once,” he frowned again. “I was rushed into an ICU, and his mother collapsed from the stress and fatigue, and it was just him.” As the talk had become serious, he decided to move back to the living room. He had a cane with him, which Johnny explained was something he used since half of his body still hasn’t completely recovered from the stroke. 

“Do you need assistance?” Taeil offered quietly.

“Just the cane, please,” he handed it for Taeil to hold while he tried to stand firmly before he asked for his cane back. Taeil walked slowly with him back to the living room, following vigilantly just in case. “We knew Johnny preferred to face that alone,” he continued. “And he wanted to deal with it alone. His mother told me he went to work at 8, left early only to get us change of clothes and food from home, looked after us in the hospital while he continued to work until dawn. He’d get 2 or 3 hours of sleep if he did, at all. We knew he felt more reassured that he was taking care of us, but I just keep on looking back thinking how much he could have needed support or even just a little care.” He frowned before glancing at Taeil. “Of course, that wasn’t your fault, I figured that he cut you off and I knew that he didn’t tell Taeyong or Yuta about it either. But I just wished he would just stop taking every single responsibility without asking for help.”

There was silence for a while before he continued. “I’m glad you’re here now, though,” he looked over to him. “When we skyped a few weeks ago, he looked weak and pale and frail again, so we were starting to worry. But looking at him now, I think you’ve managed to convince him to take care of himself. So, I’m gonna answer the question you’ve had in your mind ever since we arrived here: No, we don’t mind, we’re glad. The love we have for you is two-fold. We love you because he loves you, and we love you because you love him.”   
  


\--

  
  


That night, they decided to stay the night at Taeil’s apartment (their old apartment) and since the weather had been favorable, they decided to go back to their same old routine of sitting on the couch by the balcony with Taeil’s head on Johnny’s lap while he read him a book. And not just any book. After years, they’re finally on the last chapters of Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe.

“You know, I always thought this was gonna be about Political Science,” he admitted. “But it turned out to be something better.” Johnny smiled, then continued to read the last lines. “What was your favorite part?” Johnny asked.

“You sound like Dora the Explorer,” Taeil joked. “But it was,  _ ‘I bet you could sometimes find all the mysteries of the universe in someone's hand’ _ .”

Johnny reached for his hand and kissed his knuckles gently, prompting Taeil to smile and blush despite how long they’ve been together. If he put a time on it, it really wasn’t that long, ever since Johnny came back it had been almost a year, but considering how long he’s been in love with him, it had been long.  _ Too long.  _ “I find the mysteries of the universe in your hand,” he suddenly supplied gently, making Taeil blush even harder.

“Shut up, asshole.”

Johnny didn’t laugh, though. “Do you think…” he faltered before sighing and clearing his throat. “Do you think you could complete my universe by having this in your hand?” Taeil suddenly felt something cold touch his skin, and it took him almost too long to realize it was a ring.

 

_ A ring. _

 

He bolted upwards, turning to Johnny who held a small silver ring in his fingers. “What is that?” Taeil demanded.

“Taeil, will you marry me?”

As soon as he said it, Taeil’s world stopped. He held his breath and he couldn’t utter a word. He just shook his head, only to regret it a few seconds later when Johnny’s face dropped. “No?”

“No! No!” He tried to retract it, almost jumping to Johnny’s lap. “Fuck you, why, I- why,” he curses repeatedly as he tried to reach for Johnny, shaking. “Fuck. Shit,” he pulled him into a hug, willing himself to channel all of his heart through it. “I love you,” he whispered against Johnny’s hair. “Yes, asshole, I’ll marry you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the cliches, forgive me, i'm just trying to take back the 24 chapters of angst in one chapter
> 
> please tell me what you think!


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